Tentacle Hentai, Irish Edition: Grabbers Review, Part Two

19 Mar

(God, that title is going to get me a lot of views.)

Welcome back to the belated next part of our Grabbers review, the movie designed to prove every stereotype about the Irish that doesn’t involve leprechauns!

Wow, I want a pub run by giant tentacles!

Previously, on GrabbersAlien tentacle monsters are descending on the little Irish town of Erin Island, which is bad news for Officer Mick Jagger, a living embodiment of alcohol poisoning, Officer Lisa Cute, intern cop, and Russel Tovey, the actor who, seriously, how the fuck did they afford him?

Ahem!

The guy dozing in front of a horror film classic on this dark and stormy night, Irish Jason Statham, is woken up when something comes rapping on his door. Seems some drunk guy is waiting outside, waltzing back and forth with his hands stuck above his head. You know, I never thought I’d get to see the Monster Mash in real life, and you know? Not that impressive!

He flops down, and when Statham tries to check up on him, a tentacle grabs him and yanks him on to the roof. Boom, twenty points! His wife tries to lock down the house, but it turns out our friendly neighbourhood alien is actually Santa Claus, and comes down the chimney! Only instead of gifts, it’s tentacle rape! Aww, again?!

… Google Images, why the fuck is THIS what you think best represents “tentacles”?!

We cut to Officer Jagger downing a bottle of whiskey as he heads over to ask Lisa out for a drink. Of course, the fact that he’s completely and utterly wasted means he tanks his charisma score. God, this is just awkward, like watching Martin Riggs trying to grope Roger Murtaugh.

While Lisa tries to get Jagger to sleep off the tanker of grain alcohol he must have drunk, we cut to Irish Bruce Campbell going to check on the creature, only to find it’s escaped it’s little cage, and has taken up refuge in the corner. “You interrupted my time-out, mortal? You shall diiiiiiie!”

Campbell and the alien fight for a bit, and just as he starts curb-stomping it in the corner, we cut to Lisa having a conversation with one of the bartenders. See, it turns out Jagger is actually a widower, and the barkeep not-so-suddenly ships them. Oh, go stick it up your ass, Little Miss Tumblr, we’ve got tentacles to go deal with!

At the police station, Lisa lets Jagger out of the cell that she locked him in to sleep his buzz off. The phone rings, and it’s Batman- er, I mean, Irish Bruce Campbell. He’s given the “Grabber”, as he’s taken to calling it, to Russell Tovey for an autopsy. Wait- he killed that thing with his bare hands?!

The Irish rock, I’m just saying.

Are there any Irish pictures that AREN’T horribly offensive?

Tovey examines the Grabber, and comes up with the script of exposition: It’s alien, the tongue gives +10 to all grapple checks, all it needs to survive is blood and water, it ain’t got no testicles, and this particular one laid an egg.

… Who wants omelettes!

During their drive, Jagger and Lisa spot the missing construction worker’s car by the beach, before heading to examine Statham’s house, because… I dunno, their alcohol sense was tingling? Jagger tries to make a move on Lisa, gets shot down, and they decide scaling the roof is clearly the better plan! Spider-Irish, Spider-Irish, does anything they fuckin’ want…

Lisa heads up there while Jagger takes a drinking break, and when she finds Statham’s head, she accidentally brains Jagger with it. Oh god, hurt him if you must, but let my liquor go! They take it to the local country doctor, who gives the diagnosis: Tiger attack! Good god, you’re a detective genius, you put Nicholas Cage to shame.

Campbell wanders over to tell the duo about the massive hole that got punched in his bathroom wall, and they put all of the points together: There’s another one out there, bigger and meaner, with the ability to throw tigers at people! They figure it must be able to move about in the rain, which wouldn’t be a problem if they lived in a nice dusty place, but Erin Island is apparently the god of storms, so there’s another one tonight. Damn you, Irish weather systems!

The trio heads to a spot where they think the Grabber is, a seaside cave which is currently empty in the low tide, and they head in to investigate. Well. Lisa and Jagger do, Campbell just stands outside and looks embarrassed. “So. This is a cave, huh. Yup. Cavey.”

In the aforementioned cave, Lisa and Jagger find the remains of the fishermen, while Campbell passes the time searching for more eggs. Which he does indeed find, buried in the sand, but Lisa and Jagger’s find is far more impressive: The Grabber, the size of a house, hiding in the caves.

… I’m sorry about that omelette joke?

They get chased through the caves, taking the time for some groping along the way, until they finally escape. Naturally, the first thing they do is call for reinforcements, but with the storm coming, all boats are all recalled in accordance to the “hah hah fuck you” laws of horror movies.

Lisa and Jagger realize that anywhere the female one went, the big male one did also, so they head over to Tovey’s lab to ignite it. They douse it in gasoline, ignoring Tovey’s protests the whole time. “Wait, no, you can’t!”

“We have to!”

“Yes, but if you light it in here, you’ll just-”

*FRRRRRRM!*

*tssssssssh*

“… Set the sprinkler system off and get it wet. God, you… you really are Irish.”

It was actually a line from the movie! Don’t hate me, Irish people!

3 Responses to “Tentacle Hentai, Irish Edition: Grabbers Review, Part Two”

  1. Tim Hurley March 20, 2014 at 11:38 pm #

    You know, regardless of how this movie pans out (tentacles FTW), I really have to start a slow clap for you using that Nick Cage clip so perfectly in the context of the review.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. I’m A Rambler, I’m A Gambler, I’m A Long Ways From Home: Grabbers Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 21, 2014

    […] on Grabbers: People grabbed things while Irish people were incredibly Irish! Seriously, almost lethally […]

  2. If Moonshine Don’t Kill Me, I’ll Live Till I Die: Grabbers Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - March 21, 2014

    […] on Grabbers: With the drunken revellers of Erin Island on one side and a tentacled mass of “I […]

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