What’s that? It’s St. Patrick’s Day? Well, it’s time to get utterly wasted!
[Editor’s Note: … You’re under-age.]
… Well, now you tell me! Okay, Plan B: Review a boozed up horror film!
Every year, I like to head to Wikipedia’s list of horror films released that year, just in case I missed any, and that’s where Grabbers came to my attention. And really, any film who’s summary includes the words “blood sucking”, “tentacles”, “alcohol”, and “Irish”, deserves at least a cursory glance!
Our film opens with a big shot of Earth, with plenty of it apparently engulfed in flame. Jesus, either that’s light pollution, or somebody lit a bonfire with all of Asia. A massive glowy light streaks across the sky and lands within eyeshot of an Irish fishing trawler. Oh god, it’s apparently landed in the Irish version of Parasitic! Abandon all hope, ye who aren’t a cockmonster!
The trawler heads over to find the “mysterious flare”, but something nabs one of them straight off the boat, before taking out the second one who makes the mistake of standing in the exact same place. The last one at least takes the time to get an axe before our tentacled assailant tries to get him from above. Great, it’s Alien Sharktopus, we’re all fucked now.
As our last meat shield- er, I mean, poor victim- expires, we cut to some disgruntled guy getting out of bed with a bottle of whiskey already in hand. AND PEOPLE SAY STEREOTYPING THE IRISH IS WRONG! It’s inter-cut with a cop taking the ferry to this Irish island, and she manages to be both very professional… and smoking hot. Yowza, if all cops looked like that, “resisting arrest” would be another word for Valentine’s Day.
She makes it to Erin Island, as the sign proudly declares, and it picked up with Mr. Booze-A-Lot. Yes, it seems the Irish version of Kesha was actually a cop the whole time! Which works, because this guy actually DOES look like Mick Jagger. Crossed with a soaked weasel, maybe.
After we see an old man staring forebodingly at the beach, we cut to Exposition Playhouse at the police department! Okay, lets get this out of the way… (deep breath)… Most of the residents of Erin Island are leaving for a festival elsewhere so Officer Cute is being brought on as a temp because the chief is leaving for two weeks and doesn’t believe Officer Jagger can handle the work load for that amount of time on account of him being a drunken asshole and Officer Cute takes her coffee black!
Okay… okay, I think we’re good. If anyone has any further questions, please direct them to this empty bottle of whiskey!
We cut to the docks, where Irish Bruce Campbell is showing off his find to Irish Jason Statham: A wiggling tentacle, which takes the time to ejaculate all over Statham. With that over with, Officer Cute and Officer Jagger are bonding over a car ride. Wait, so you’re saying the guy with the prickly personality isn’t actually a completely reprehensible personality and is taking the time to connect with the new person? OH GOD ACTUALLY DECENT PEOPLE IN A HORROR FILM I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO THIS.
Over at the beach, it turns out the dramatic old man was looking out at the corpses of some pilot whales. They’re being examined by the remainder of the police force, and… hey, it’s Russell Tovey! He’s the werewolf on Being Human, and the crazy guy in Sherlock, and Alonso Frame from Doctor Who! You know, that British guy who’s always in everything but you never bother to learn his name! They could afford you?! Fuck, I just hit the big time, huh!
Anyway, he’s the marine guy this time around, and they’re trying to figure out what could have killed the whales. See, they died at sea before washing up here, but seeing as they’re not whale cops, they don’t spend too much time here. Aww, no! Midshipman Frame, come back! You’re the closest I ever get to quality on this show!
Officer Cute and Jagger drive off to the next portion of their day, and when two guys wolf whistle at her, she tries to write them up! Oh. Oh, right, that was unbelievably sexist. Note to self, call her by her actual name, “Lisa”! And get rid of all those “Officer Cute” plushies I just ordered!
We cut over to Irish Bruce Campbell, putting his new pet tentacle in to his bathtub for safe keeping. Aww, aren’t you just the cutest eldritch horror! Yes you are! Yes you are! Oh, I could just pat you on the head and call you Yog Sothoth!
Over at the beach, a group of construction workers tow the whales away, only for one of the workers to get snagged and dragged in to the water. This is, of course, after all of the other construction workers have gone away, in accordance to the movie monster rules of “No Playing With Your Food In Front Of Company”.
We cut to the mandatory Irish pub, with Lisa borrowing an iron from the barkeep in front of the judgemental eyes of the Irish Council Of Silly Hats, and after she leaves, the other barkeep tries to convince Jagger that she has a thing for him. Ah, yes, you can tell from her glare of complete disgust every time her enters the room.
… Oh, what am I talking about, that’s how every one of my relationships started.
Irish Bruce Campbell tries to tell Jagger his story, just like any old man who’s had too much to drink, all about how he has a sea monster in his bathtub. Okay, I think that means that he’s either telling the truth… or trying to seduce you, really, it could go either way.
Outside, it’s a dark and stormy night, but inside, some guy’s dozing in front of the T.V while… Night Of The Living Dead plays?!
I officially love this movie.