Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series held together with narcissism and a bit of chewing gum.
According to the space/time continuum, Freshly Riffed is where I make fun of the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts. Also, I’m my own grandpa. That’s a problem.
Each title will be linked to the original authors, as an offering to the great god of view counts, Viewtan! If you are one of said original authors, tally ho! Stick around, eat some Skittles, and keep in mind: All mockery is for mockery’s sake only, and should not be taken seriously.
Our Love Affair With Mediocre Food: The original title was “Sticking My Dick In Some Taco Bell” but WordPress made them change it.
The Bar Behind Bars: They have bars in prison now?! Isn’t that like sticking a potted plant in a “Lumberjacks Anonymous” meeting? Or a nursery in a “Baby Punter’s Association” club house?
(Wait, do “Baby Punter’s Associations” even exist?)
Leaving Gender At The Door: That would explain that bucket of vaginas hanging off the mailbox.
Because Of The Bacon: Yeah, I tried that excuse. The police don’t really like it.
What? Look, it’s either that or a “why’d it have to be psychic snakes” joke.
Par For The Horse: Centaur Golf: THE SPORT OF THE FUTURE.
What Counts The Most: Well, Alex, I’m going to say “what is calculators” for 500.
In The Trunks Of Our Cars: Okay, I don’t care what the hell you’re talking about, but telling somebody it’s “in the trunk of my car” is a solid TEN on the creepy scale. Right beside “baby-sitting in my sex dungeon”.
Oscars Recap: One Flew Over The Oscars Nest: Wait, people still care about the Oscars?
Huh. Learn something new every day.
Are You A Handwriter Or A Typer?: Oh, definitely a typer. I need to save my right hand for… other things.
Loving My Body For Lent: Apparently today is “Masturbation Sunday”.
Our Affair: And if that’s not your thing, we also have “Adulterer’s Afternoon”, absolutely free!
Bitter Pill: Why Medical Bills Are Killing Us: Wait, medical bills are killing you? I think you’re doing it wrong.
Stripped Of My Desire To Create: This is the worst burlesque show ever.