There’s A Gremlin Destroying The Plot: Area 407 Review, Part One

30 Sep

You know, sometimes, I have to wonder… when will I ever see another unique found footage film again? Will I ever see a movie that actually does something interesting with the genre?

[Editor's Note: Well, I don't know about that, but this one has dinosaurs in it?]

… GIMME.

Pictured: The Lost sequel too awesome to actually exist.

Oh, I’m sorry, did I spoil the whole “dinosaur” bit? The whole marketing campaign for Area 407 tried to keep it a secret, but I guess nobody told whoever made that poster, because… yep, that’s a dinosaur eye! Maybe a velociraptor was the one driving the plane?

Ahem!

We open with- the IFC Logo?! Stop following me around, IFC! Erm, anyway, we open with a big title card saying that everything is totally real, fo’ shizzle. And in the plot proper, we see two sisters filming themselves as they board a plane. Wait, they let you board with cameras?! When I tried that, everyone was just like boohoo, your novelty shotgun tri-pod is totally inappropriate, blah blah blah.

The younger sister with the camera is all talkative, sayin’ hi to everyone, gossiping about people, making fun of them, and generally being that special brand of little kid that is simultaneously charming and I WILL PAY ANY DINOSAUR TWENTY FISH HEADS AND AN ACRE OF LAND TO WHICHEVER ONE GUTS HER.

[Editor's Note: You're not exactly a people person, huh.]

Is that really such a surprise?! I’M GRUMPY!

So yeah, they take off, and then they… just kind of waste time! Talk to people,gossip, film the backs of seats, they even- oh, for fuck’s sake, they film the safety procedures?! Nobody even gives a damn about those when they’re actually there, never mind in a fucking film!

You know, I’m not sure how many people actually know how I write these reviews, so lets give you a rundown. See, I usually have the movie open in one tab, and WordPress open in the other, and I write it literally at the same time as I’m watching it! I don’t do that for video reviews or my big projects, of course, but it’s my usual way of doing things. And I just bring this up because WE ARE FIFTEEN MINUTES IN AND THEY ARE DOING SMALL TALK THEY ARE JUST DOING SMALL TALK THAT IS LITERALLY ALL THAT IS HAPPENING HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO WRITE A REVIEW WHEN NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

Okay, okay, FINALLY something is happening! The flight starts to hit some turbulence, after about fifteen minutes of wasting our fucking time, and then- bam! Down it goes! The plane has officially crashed!

Alright, everyone is dead now.

Good night!

[Editor's Note: ... Dude, you've barely started-]

Shhhhhhh if I don’t acknowledge that the bad movie exists, it can’t hurt me.

This actually makes a very good metaphor for most of the movies I’ve watched.

Internet Campfire Tales: The Woman In The Oven, A Creepypasta Review

29 Sep

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, the only web series written entirely in a Bela Lugosi impression!

internet_campfire_talesOoooh, yessss, Halloween is sneaking up on us, and bringing with it a bevy of pumpkin related beverages. And hey, what with October almost upon us, let’s get busy with the foreplay and review another Creepypasta! This time, The Woman In The Oven! Let’s dig in!

Ahem!

“During the summer of 1983, in a quiet town near Minneapolis, Minnesota, the charred body of a woman was found inside the kitchen stove of a small farmhouse.”

Yeah, but it was Minnesota, so nobody cared.

“A video camera was also found in the kitchen, standing on a tripod, pointing at the oven.”

The inevitable future of all web based cooking shows.

“No tape was found inside the camera at the time.”

Oh right, people in the past had to use TAPES! Those were made extinct when they allied with the dinosaurs against God and he had to smite them, right?

“Although the scene was originally labeled as a homicide by police, an unmarked VHS tape was later discovered at the bottom of the farm’s well, which had apparently dried up earlier that year.”

V/H/S 3 has officially run out of ideas. Either that, or they’re starting some kind of gang war with the Ring Girl.

“Goddammit, where’s my glasses?!”

“Despite its worn condition, and the fact that it contained no audio, police were still able to view the contents of the tape.”

“It’s time to bust this case wide open-“

“It depicted a woman recording herself in front of a video camera, seemingly using the same camera that the police found in the kitchen.”

And… doing duckface, apparently.

“After positioning the camera to include both her and her kitchen stove in its view, she turned on the oven, opened the door, crawled inside, and then closed the door behind her.”

… Second worst recipe ever.

“After eight minutes into the video, the oven could be seen shaking violently.”

When the oven’s a’rockin’, please come a’knockin’ because that means I just locked myself inside and oh god I set it to broil this was a terrible idea.

“At this point thick, black smoke emanated from it. “

You know, they’re not getting the warranty back on that thing. So… you know, thanks, lady.

“For the remaining forty-five minutes of video, until the batteries in the camera died, it remained in its stationary position.”

Eh, still a better found footage film than Paranormal Activity.

“To avoid disturbing the local community, the police never released any information about the tape, or even the fact that it was found.”

Except for… you know, when they released this to Creepypasta. Yeah, the police stopped giving a damn YEARS ago.

“Police were also not able to determine who put the tape in the well, or why the height and stature of the woman in the video did not come close to matching the body that they had found in the oven.”

Oh snaaaaaap plot twist! And that’s it! Seriously, that’s the whole thing. Short review, huh? How was it? Actually, pretty damn good!

The use of a detached, analytical tone gives it a serious atmosphere, and it makes it seem more realistic. The story is creepy, unnerving, with a nice little twist, and it’s short enough for a quick little read! Seriously, I thought it was really nice!

Huh. I guess liking things isn’t nearly as funny as hating them.

That looks like a really unpleasant place to sleep.

 

Previews? Is That A Thing That We’re Doing Now?

28 Sep

Yesssssss, the latest video review is coming along just fine! Well. I’m over halfway done the script after about two weeks of writer’s block, so fuck off, this is finally working out! But writing two reviews in one day is a little much, even for me, so instead, here’s some of my favorite quotes from the in-progress review!

“I’d start a drinking game out of all the pointless scenes, but you’d be getting your stomach pumped before the plot got started.”

“You know, most movies would keep the fact that their protagonist is an utter dick weasel a secret, but no, this movie is bold enough to let you know that yeah, you’re gonna want this fuckbarrel to stick his cock in a blender by the time it’s over. I can’t wait for them to remake Silent Hill 2, ‘Oh And Did We Mention He Killed His Wife’ Edition.”

“DO PEOPLE WITH GOPROS HAVE SOULS?!”

“Oh look, something promised to be exciting and entertaining and instead just leaves the faint odor of shame and disappointment. Either this is a preemptive metaphor for this movie’s entire existence, or somebody found the way to perfectly encapsulate my sex life!”

“I CAN TASTE HATE. I SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO TASTE HATE.”

“For the first review, I found something notorious that isn’t actually that bad, and for the second one, I found something nobody had heard of that was just terrible. And so for the third one, I wanted to find something that is just unfucking watchable. SO! LET’S DIG IN!”

Omegle Versus The Lord Of The Dance

27 Sep

I eventually plan to make these Omegle titles so obtuse that not even understand them. ANYWAY! OMEGLE! I’M GONNA MAKE FUN OF IT! LET’S ROLL!

Ahem!

What is your gender?

What?! I have a gender?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

so you like sex

Wait, one second, I have to get the proper soundtrack for this question.

Much better.

Odd fact, go!

If you laid your internal organs out across an entire football field from end to end, you’d be dead when you’re done.

i fuck you?

Goddammit, Enrique Iglesias, I’m not falling for that twice!

Female who will rate your dick for a limited time.

Gosh, the Amazon “Customer Reviews” section has gotten weird.

Ever considered incest with a hot relative?

Be right back, going for a hot shower. Of battery acid. That might wash off the first five layers of AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

What is wrong in your life?

The fact that I’m on Omegle instead of marathoning Portal 2!

THIS IS WHAT YOU’RE KEEPING ME FROM.

Your dick is so small I bet when you were born they thought you were a girl!

Pssh, oh yeah? Your dick is so small, you leave pinpricks when erected! You could probably use them to sew pants! You have to take a quart of  Viagra before you can replace a button! The medical community has praised your dick for it’s many invaluable uses in micro-surgery!

(You’d be surprised how much longer I can keep doing this.)

Now You’re Thinking With Procrastination

26 Sep

Just bury me in here. Nail up the windows, board up the doors, just leave me in my bedroom, I’ll be fine to die here.

[Editor's Note: ... I've always dreamt of hearing those words, but I never thought I'd live to see the day. What's up?]

I may have made some unwise spending habits. Or possibly SUPER wise, depending on your point of view! I just bought Portal 2 for PC!

[Editor's Note: Sooooo you no longer fear death?]

I found the Perpetual Testing Initiative. Infinite. Original. TEST CHAMBERS.

[Editor's Note: ... How long have you been playing?]

Sixteen hours.

[Editor's Note: Annnnnd when did you buy it?]

Yesterday.

[Editor's Note: I'd consider an intervention, but to be honest, your descent in to Portal related dementia is pretty entertaining.]

DAMMIT YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME GLADOS/CHELL IS MY OTP.

The Beauty Of New Life And Also Ghosts In Yo’ Face: Fertile Ground Review, Part Four

25 Sep

… That title just utterly mystifies me, and I’m the one who wrote it. That’s never a good sign.

I think I have that thing as a paperweight.

I think I have that thing as a paperweight.

Previously, on Fertile Ground: Stuff happened, go check the other parts to find out.

Ahem!

So yeah, Emily walks in on Possessed-Nate eviscerating the rabbit he just shot, and they proceed to eat it over a very awkward dinner. Oh, man, it’s just like the time my girlfriend vivisected a bison and expected me to dig in! Worst Easter ever.

[Editor's Note: ... Is that real?]

Oh, of course not! That would require that I have a girlfriend!

That night, while Nate stays up all night painting in the shed, Emily can’t sleep, and she spots a ghost child running in there to play with him. But of course, once Emily gets there, neither Nate nor the ghost are in there. Instead, the ghost leads her on a merry chase to… a child’s grave. And who does she find inside but Nate! Oh, and then the Ancestor ghost hits her with an axe, and she wakes up from this obvious dream. But… you know, with dirt on her hands from the grave! Ooooh, spooky!

(Either that, or her hands were putting on black-face while she slept.)

The next day, Emily kills time spelling out “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME” with alphabet blocks, until GHOST JUMP SCARE! HOLDING A DEAD GHOST BABY! She runs off (Emily, not the ghost), and finds Nate in his shed, who dismisses her and tells her that everything is just fine, and they should totally stay in this haunted house!

… Emily immediately runs off, tells him to fuck himself, hops in the car, and starts driving away. Which, and I could be wrong here, but I think that is officially the smartest thing anybody has ever done in a ghost movie. But before she can get too far, she starts convulsing and clutching her womb and drives back. Because… I guess she thinks her haunted house is bad and all but… like, fuck this car, yo.

Once she makes it back to the house and crawls in to bed, Nate’s voice chimes in over the inter-com and apologizes and says oh yeah I’d never hurt you Mary oh wait who the fuck is Mary?! And suddenly, Nate appears behind her! The woman who got tossed out the window is dead, and now he has to go into the city for some work, and you’ll totally be fine all alone in the haunted house, right, pregnant wife?

… In case it’s not clear yet, I want this film to end with this guy turned in to pink goddamn mist.

Pictured: This guy. Exploding.

We cut to- wait. No, no, it’s been a while, I know what’s going to happen, I know what’s going to fucking happen-

“REVELATIONS.”

[WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH]

So, all alone, Emily wiles away her days, until she follows one of the ghosts to a big stack of papers in the middle of the room, with a big porcelain doll as a paper weight. And underneath said doll is Mary- the ghost who’s been following her around, the one Possessed-Nate keeps calling her, the owner of that skull they found- yeah, it’s her diary. And it turns out, every single thing that’s happened in this house has happened to the original Mary. The moving in, the house party, the woman tossed out the window, the pregnancy, the husband getting called away on work- everything, and it’s happened to every single couple who’ve lived here, right down to the very dates! Oh, and it ends with them dying. Just by the way. In case you’re curious. Little tidbit.

Emily calls up her best friend to come help her, because what with what happened before, she can’t leave without tremendous pain. So, the friend is on her way, and who decides to show up early for his murder spree, but Nate! So Emily grabs a knife and decides to start swinging at anything that moves!

*SHNK*

Oh, hey, best friend. Here a little early, huh?

Emily accidentally murders her best friend with the knife, tosses Nate down the stairs to slow him down, then runs off. She makes it on top of the balcony, and Nate follows, and the two engage in an epic fight! … Well, epic, except for the fact that he looks like the ancestor ghost now and IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE A BAD GUY WITH SILLY MUTTON CHOPS SERIOUSLY.

They fall off the balcony, and she manages to wrestle the knife away from Ghost-Nate, and slices him and his silly facial hair to ribbons. And at the hospital, under police guard, there’s absolutely no sign that she was ever pregnant! Annnnnd cut to her singing creepy nursery songs in a padded cell at the asylum?!

Wait, so, was she crazy the whole time? Were the ghosts real? Was Nate really possessed, or did she just imagine it? Was the pregnancy real, or did the ghosts get rid of that too? Or did they just make her think she was pregnant? Or… what? A little more clarification would be appreciated, movie!

Also goddammit this was just Maternal Instinct, wasn’t it?!

GAAAAAAAAAH I TOLD YOU I WOULD DEVELOP A PHOBIA OF THIS FUCKING POSTER.

So, that was Fertile Ground! How was it?

Okay!

What, you want more than that?

It certainly had some interesting ideas and good acting, but a lack of decent scares and a lot of tedium keep it from being anything great! But hey, at least they’re trying, am I right?!

(I am not right.)

It’s A Baby Something! Fertile Ground Review, Part Three

24 Sep

I’m sure somewhere in this review I am just terribly insensitive. You know, maybe all those mentions of dead babies? Maybe just a little bit, or has the internet convinced us all that murdering babies is totally kosher?

(Incidentally, “Murdering Babies Is Totally Kosher” is going on a t-shirt.)

But waaaait, the skull they found wasn’t from a baby! PLOT HOLE.

Previously, on Fertile Ground: Emily and Nate are going through your standard haunted house plot, completely by the numbers, nothing too interesting to say about it… except for the fact that Emily, whose womb is so scarred that she can’t carry a child… is now pregnant.

*cue monocle pop*

Ahem!

Emily is all excited over the news, because every woman wants to hear that they’re carrying the fucking Unborn, but Nate is all dour over it. Hey, don’t feel so upset, dude! You impregnated somebody who can’t get pregnant! Apparently your sperm is magic!

(Also a good thing to put a t-shirt, now that I think about it. Or maybe the name of a self-health book.)

We cut to Emily staying up late and realizing that the drugs she takes to help with her depression aren’t supposed to be taken by pregnant women, so she decides not to take them. Because, you know, it’s not as if the doctor’s would have gotten her some pregnant-friendly drugs when they heard the news. And while Emily gets the ghost treatment- namely, the old ancestor who killed himself wandering around the house and shutting doors, Nate is out in his little work shed painting. Yeah, yeah, we get it, he’s possessed by the ghost of Christmas past or something, can we move on? If it turns out he’s just painting “All Work And No Play Make Nate A Boring Character” over and over again, I’m dousing the film reels in kerosene. And disappointment.

The next morning, it turns out that Nate never came to bed, and stayed up all night painting. Said painting he refuses to show her, and oh, he also refuses to come with her to the doctor’s appointment! Wow, you are so possessed, you make the guy from Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones look subtle.

What, is he worshiping the Deathly Hallows? (And yes, I will be reviewing this VERY soon.)

She drives to the doctor’s appointment by herself, passing… a homeless woman selling rabbit skins and a time distorted traffic light? That is… that is… I don’t… okay! Nice of the movie to just go completely fucking insane for a moment! Anyway, she makes it back home after the appointment, and while she’s completely pissed, she gives him the lowdown: She’s a high risk pregnancy, but as long as she stays off her feet and doesn’t get stressed out, she’ll be fine, right?

“MWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!”

Dammit, what’s with the ironic echoing ambient laughter?! I thought we fixed that!

So, cue montage! Nate paints, while Emily lounges around, reads books, plays cards, and watches… The Night Of The Living Dead? Huzzah for public domain! Anyway, Emily is bored out of her mind and decides to get her friends over for a house party, which pisses Nate off, because he has work to do or something! And also, he insinuates that he doesn’t care about the baby! Oooh, dude, you’re sleeping in the doghouse- wait, you already ARE sleeping in that tiny wooden shed. Um.

Moving on.

We cut to the gathering-

“THE GATHERING.”

ANYWAY! All of their friends show up to the house, and everything is all cheery and happy and blah blah blah, and Nate even crawls out of the shed to come say hi! Gosh, everything is happy! Well. He came to say hi to that one woman who he is obviously screwing, all while Emily sits there and glares at them kissing on the stairs, but same thing, right?

[Editor's Note: Not even close.]

I DON’T GO TO A LOT OF PARTIES OR KISS A LOT OF PEOPLE OKAY.

While Emily sits around and tries to light Nate on fire with her mind, she spots the ancestor ghost wandering around the party, but gets interrupted when a hipster douche accidentally spills wine on her. Oh, and Avery’s shown up to tell her more about the house! WOOT! GO TEAM PEOPLE NAMED AVERY!

[Editor's Note: That is SO not a team.]

Emily runs upstairs to change out of her dress, and runs in to Nate’s cheery-friendly-mistress, and we cut outside to Nate talking with Emily’s friend… until the mistress gets her ass tossed through the window.

*innocent coughing*

She’s still alive, apparently, and the EMTs cart her away. And we cut to Emily admitting to her best friend about how she sees ghosts, who is… surprisingly understanding! Damn, most of my friends would be halfway into slapping me into a straitjacket by now, and not in the fun way.

The friend has to go home, so Emily goes for some rest… until she hears a gunshot, and finds Nate eviscerating a rabbit on the kitchen counter.

Worst Bugs Bunny cartoon ever.

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