The Elephant In The Room

24 Oct

People, you know me.

I don’t shy away from controversial topics. I will look an uncomfortable truth in the eye and consider it in all it’s imperfection.

And I think it’s time that this brave new world admits one of the greatest indignities this world has ever known.

Namely, the fact that they sing “I’ve Got No Strings To Hold Me Down” in the Age Of Ultron trailer is fucking ridiculous.

Oh, no no, Ultron, GO AHEAD! QUOTE ANY OTHER FUCKING DISNEY MOVIES WHILE YOU’RE AT IT! What, is it going to end with him snapping Iron Man’s spine while humming “A Girl Worth Fighting For”?! Not like that’d make it any worse! Or maybe he should have told the Avengers to “Let It Go, Let It Go”! And at the end, Thor throws him into the fucking sun while telling him to wish upon a star!

Who thought that was a good idea?!

Internet Campfire Tales: The Opposite, A Creepypasta Review

23 Oct

Wait, have I seriously not reviewed a Lost Episode Creepypasta yet? How the balls can I be running a segment where I read Creepypastas and not cover one of those?! Well, it’s time to get it over with, and welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales!

internet_campfire_tales

I’ve… I’ve gotta admit, from the title alone, I really don’t know what The Opposite could possibly be about. Usually these things make it freaking obvious from the get-go- Squidward’s Suicide, Dead Bart, Whose Line Is It Anyway, and so on, but this one? This thing’s a friggin’ mystery!

Wait, there’s a Whose Line Is It Anyway Creepypasta?! Why the fuck aren’t I reviewing THAT?!

Ahem!

“I was up pretty late one night revising for my exams as I had 8 exams in the space of 3 days. I stayed up pretty much all night to revise for science; my worst subject.”

Oh, really? From this Creepypasta, I could have sworn your worst subject was ENGLISH!

*oh snap*

*studio audience reaction*

*mic drop*

“I had the television on in the back ground, like usual. I love old cartoons so I had reruns on. The Kim Possible theme music caught my attention. Kim Possible used to be my favorie cartoon when I was younger, so I stopped everything I did and focused on the television screen.”

Wait- this is a Kim Possible Creepypasta?!

*pull out Rufus the Naked Mole Rat plushie, puts on red wig, Shego fan art at the ready*

You have my undivided attention.

THERE IS SO MUCH KIM/SHEGO FAN ART ONLINE AND I AM ABSOLUTELY FINE WITH THAT.

Um, so yeah, just in case you never watched it: Kim Possible, about the titular Kim and her incompetent sidekick Ron Stoppable and his hyper-competent sidekick Rufus the Naked Mole Rat, fighting evil super-villains to save the world! Including Shego, super-villainess just as strong and badass as Kim is.

The internet has decided to ship the two.

… No complaints here.

“Everything seemed normal, but the theme tuned seemed a bit off. In the background were screams, screams full of pain.”

Um. Okay, hi, whoever the hell is supposed to be watching this? Just a little heads up, hearing your favourite cartoon theme song with screams of agony in the background isn’t “a bit off”. Losing your car keys is a bit off. Painful screams of the dying and damned in Saturday morning programming is SWEET JESUS MOTHER OF COCKS WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?!

“It actually made you feel pain it sounded so horrific.”

I can relate, that missing comma is what’s making me feel pain.

“It started on getting louder and louder. It ended up overpowering the music. I turned my television down so I wouldn’t wake my parents up.”

And of course, turning the TV off is never considered. Of fucking course.

“Kim Possible wasn’t her normal self, blood was dripping from her eyes, and Rufus was gnawing on her neck. He was getting to it pretty fast; I don’t know where Ron was though.”

Wait, what?! Weren’t you just watching reruns of cartoons?! What fuck-ass network would let THIS crap fly?!

“Hey, Jim, whatcha working on?”

“Eh, just editing old episodes of Kim Possible to sow seeds of fear in the hearts of men.”

“Huh. Do they swear?”

“Nope.”

“Have fun!”

You’d be surprised how long I can keep doing this.

“The episode started normal-“

Yeah, okay, cutting you off mid-sentence, but seriously?! It started with the screams of the damned and the mutilation of our titular hero. THAT IS NOT A NORMAL OPENING.

“The episode started normal, just the characters’ voices were a bit off. They sounded rough like they have been strangled or drowned.”

What… what does that even sound like? Do all the characters have Christian Bale Batman voices or something? “He’s not the mole rat we need, but he’s the one we deserve.”

“It started off with Kim waking up to a dark day. The sky was a grey blue colour, and the sun was a deep red. Not normal at all. “

… I’m sorry, what was that? “Not normal at all”?! Wow, good point! It’s not as though you said it started off normally TEN FUCKING SECONDS AGO!

“None of her family was there. The house looked uncared for, deserted. One of the twin brothers was sat on the kitchen table looking very aged, about end 30’s. His hair all rough: a hint of stubble. He had blood all over his face, dry blood, and his shirt.”

Um. Yeah, yeah, spooky, whatever, but… “None of her family was there”, immediately followed by “One of the twin brothers was sat on the kitchen table”? Do… do you know how words work?

“The knife was old and blunt but was covered in blood you couldn’t see the blade.”

Knife?! What knife?! There’s a fucking knife now?! And why do I feel like this episode is just me saying what a lot?!

“He had 3 shapes in front of him on the table. Three heads. Mother, Father and his twin brother, with their eyes gauged out, and their eyelids cut off.”

*look back at what I just read three seconds ago*

“None of her family was there.”

*look back at the previous sentence*

HELLO?! AN EDITOR?! ANYONE?!

Ah, this fan art is like my happy place.

“She didn’t seem fazed about it, she lingered in the kitchen normally. His screams were full of hatred, almost as if he hated himself. He picks up the knife and lifts it up to his neck. The scene changed instantly.”

Yeah, I ALSO keep scene transitions in my neck!

… Wait, what?

“She went to school as normal, the building was like ruins. More like an old battlefield castle. Bonnie was next to her locker, with a rope around her neck. She hung there, struggling. Her hands were pulling on the rope. She never did die, she just struggled for ages in the background. The halls were covered in blood, like a path of blood in the hall.” 

So, in other words, just like a normal high school.

“The screen flickered to a different scene. This one was where she was fighting Shego, her enemy. This time she was losing which I thought was pretty upsetting, I love it when she wins.”

Why do you feel the need to point out that you like it when the hero wins? When you say it like that, it sounds… creepier than anything else so far, to be honest.

“Shego was fighting quite violently, and aggressive. Shego punched her in the face which instantly knocked out. Shego dragged her to a contraption covered in blood, which had knives and scalpels all over.”

… Huh. Do we have any fan art for that?

Good enough!

“An image appeared for a split second, showing a very detailed drawing of Kim, with her stomach ripped wide open, with her smaller intestines dragged out of her stomach.”

… I really hope there’s not a fan art for that.

“The second image remained for a little while longer. 20 or 30 seconds maybe. This image was of Shego hung herself with Kim’s lower intestine, this time there was weak screaming in the background almost as if she is still weakly breathing but cannot gasp any air.”

Okay, this just doesn’t works, for something like this to work, you need either articulate detail, or some kind of pathos to give it some emotional punch! But this stupid Creepypasta? There’s no pathos, no reason, no detail, no… anything! It’s like the writer is just grabbing cliches from a big box, blending it all together, and smearing it all over my childhood!

“I could not sleep later that day so I decided to just continue revising, the next day it was a Sunday.”

So what, you went to church, why would you tell me that?!

“I remembered what had happened last night and I tried to research it. The creator of Kim possible, Bob Schooley, had a tiny mental illness that made him create this episode all by himself.”

… What.

“He now suppresses this in the back of his mind trying to not let him disturb it with his new work. This is why Kim possible had stopped. The television program was so successful they wanted to continue it. Bob Schooley ruined it, with this episode.”

… WHAT.

“I asked around to see if anybody else had seen that episode. No one did. Except me.”

WHAT- wait, no, that part actually makes sense. Yeah, spoiler alert, that never happened, that’s not why the show ended, mental illnesses don’t work that way, and creating an entire episode with one guy IS DEFINITELY NOT HOW THAT WORKS!

So! That was The Opposite! How was it? Well, I think I said everything I meant to say in the summary itself, nothing else to say. Except, oh, you know, IT SUCKED. In fact, you could say… it was The Opposite of good!

Eh? Eh?

Okay, one more fan art.

Eeeee! This game is FUN!

1313: GIANT KILLER BEES VIDEO REVIEW!

22 Oct

Oh, great, NOW you upload! Ladies and gentlemen, WELCOME TO 1313!

Because when I was thinking of something truly AVSP for my 1000th post, it came down to, as I always knew it would, to hot gay sex. I hope you enjoy, and feel free to check out the new “Video Reviews” page if you want to find the others!

HAPPY 1000TH POST!

21 Oct

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO OUR ONE THOUSANDTH FUCKING POST!

I… wait, are you serious? That’s… jesus, that’s a big number.

Um, ANYWAY! HIT THE MUSIC!

Okay, let’s get the nitty gritty out of the way first! Namely, it’s something of a tradition here that on anniversaries, I change something about our formatting, and so this time around, I’ve edited the “About” page! You know, removed all of the stuff that isn’t relevant any more. (Oh god, do you remember Freshly Riffed? The memories… I pissed so many people off…) Annnnd, far more importantly, I’ve added a side page where I’ll keep all of the video reviews!

Now. On to the sappy stuff.

A Very Strange Place has changed my life.

(… Wow, it sounds really fucking pansy-ass when I say it like that.)

I’ve been doing this for- I mean, come on?! 1000th posts?! THAT’S MORE THAN I’VE DONE ANYTHING EVER! I have spent so much time and energy in to creating something I could be so genuinely proud with, it’s just mind blowing. Possibly literally, I haven’t decided yet.

I’ve learned how to tell a joke, I’ve learned that most people can’t, I’ve learned that my writing style is angled more conversationally, with a tone like I’m just pickin’ up guys at a bar instead of any legitimate journalistic integrity, and that suits me just fine, I’ve learned what makes a good movie, and I’ve learned what just doesn’t. I’ve learned how much I despise bad writing, my own and others, I’ve learned all sorts of narrative and cinematic tricks- oh, and I’ve learned how to make dick jokes! Can’t forget about that part!

This site has been a constant for so long, if I can’t write for it, I start getting twitchy. I have, no joke, insisted on ending a vacation early before because I couldn’t stand being away from AVSP for so long. This degenerate motherfucker of a website has given me fans- well, mostly hate mail, but that’s good too, and hell- it even gave me money! I could be wrong, but I think I’m the only guy my age who got his first pay cheque from sex toys!

There’s a saying my mother used to use, and it always stuck with me; “We have to make a million terrible paintings before we can make one good one, so you’d better get started.” And that saying, if you strip away everything else- my love of reviewing, my enjoyment of making people laugh, my eventual hope of getting on That Guy With The Glasses by blackmailing Rob Walker- is the core of A Very Strange Place.

It started out as my millions of bad paintings.

And I think I’m finally starting to make a good one.

Stick around, you degenerate motherfuckers. This is where things get interesting.

[Editor's Note: ... Wow, that was so very poignant.]

Thank you! I worked hard on that speech!

[Editor's Note: It showed! ... Soooo your celebratory "1000th post" video review wasn't uploading, huh.]

I STARTED UPLOADING IT TWELVE FUCKING HOURS AGO AND JUST BEFORE IT’S DOWN, FIVE MINUTES TO UPLOAD TIME, YOUTUBE COMPLETELY FUCKS ME UP THE EAR CANAL! “YOU CAN’T READ MY VIDEO FILE” MY ACHING ASS!

Let’s Play Half Life 2: Part Four, “Pretty Generous Rounding.”

19 Oct

Apparently YouTube thought this episode was DELICIOUS, because it ate it about half a dozen times! Ah, so goes the glamorous life of Avery Strange.

HYPERVENTILATING WHY NO THANK YOU WE’RE ALL FULL UP HERE

18 Oct

EEEEEEEEEEE.

EEEEEEEEEEE.

EEEEEEEEEEE.

EEEEEEEEEEE.

EEEEEEEEEEE.

WERE YOU AWARE THAT IT IS OUR ONE THOUSANDTH POST IN LESS THAN THREE DAYS.

BECAUSE I AM AWARE THAT IT IS OUR ONE THOUSANDTH POST IN LESS THAN THREE DAYS.

I AM AWARE OF IT CONSTANTLY.

Internet Campfire Tales: Teddy Bear Picnic, A Creepypasta Review

17 Oct

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, the only web series that dug up Vincent Price’s corpse for perfect ambiance! Plus, it makes for a great post-coital conversation piece.

internet_campfire_tales

Oh, look at that! Teddy Bear Picnic? Wouldn’t that be a nifty title for a Creepypasta? Man, this is fo’ shizzle going to be creepy! Let’s roll!

Ahem!

“If you go down to the woods today you’re sure of a big surprise.”

Okay, so we’re starting with a quote from the nursery rhyme! Badly quoted and all that, but it sets the mood! Okay, now what?

“If you go down to the woods today you’d better go in disguise.”

Yep, that’s also the poem.

“For ev’ry bear that ever there was will gather there for certain, because today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic.”

I wonder what we’re leading up to!

“Ev’ry teddy bear who’s been good is sure of a treat today. There’s lots of marvelous things to eat and wonderful games to play.”

… We are leading up to something, right?

“Beneath the trees where nobody sees they’ll hide and seek as long as they please cause that’s the way the teddy bears have their picnic.”

Oh no. Oh no no no no no.

“If you go down to the woods today you’d better not go alone. It’s lovely down in the woods today but safer to stay at home.”

This… this is just the rhyme, isn’t it! There’s… there’s nothing else here, is there?! Fucking is there?!

“For ev’ry bear that ever there was will gather there for certain, because today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic.”

I’m getting punk’d, right? This isn’t actually happening, right? You guys have stuck, like, spy cams in my underwear just to film me freaking out at this right?! Right?! PLEASE TELL ME I’M RIGHT!

“Picnic time for teddy bears the little teddy bears are having a lovely time today watch them, catch them unawares and see them picnic on their holiday.”

… DUMB! THIS IS DUMB!

“See them gaily gad about they love to play and shout; they never have any care; at six o’clock their mummies and daddies, will take them home to bed, because they’re tired little teddy bears.”

That’s… that’s it?! You had nothing else here?! You went to Creepypasta with the express purpose of writing a story, and you fucking came out with the fucking Teddy Bear Picnic! MY GOD! That’s failing in entirely new directions that scientists have barely even conceived of! That’s like if you tried to play catch AND INSTEAD YOU CAUGHT SYPHILIS! 

SEE YOU NEXT TIME, I GUESS!

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