OMEGLE CHAAAANGED ME

25 Mar

You know what I need in my life? More dicks!

M- more dick jokes, I mean! Like- like the kind I’d make when I’m making fun of Omegle- OH SHUT UP.

Ahem!

Any girl to help me cum? ;)

Oh, golly gee, you must be super popular with the ladies.

Should I get off here and get back to work

Being on here is work for me! Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

Would you two have sex while I watch? Just try it…

Oh, yeah, because people absolutely can have sex through an internet connection.

Is it weird for 19 and 17 year old sister and brother to sleep together in bed and spoon/hug?

… WHY IS THIS SOMETHING YOU WOULD ASK OMEGLE.

can the domestication of fire be considered a technology?

You’re domesticating fire?! Put a saddle on that bad boy, and call me up!

“MA! FETCH THE FIRE LASSO, THIS IS A BIG ‘UN!”

where is the rap my good sir

That is an excellent question, sir! Strike my chassis, where are gallivanting manners. This lack of the rapalacious break-down is a fine-ass madness!

Bluuuuuushing

24 Mar

Sketch time! Don’t really have enough time to colour properly, but I kinda like the sketchy look anyway!

cuties

(Wait, is this the first time anybody has ever blushed on this website? Hmm. Somebody should probably check on that.)

Internet Campfire Tales: The Suicide Photographer, A Creepypasta Review

23 Mar

… Aaaaand stick the dismount. Yes, that’s right, two Creepypasta reviews in a row. Either I like you just that much, or I really, really hate you. Probably a bit of both!

internet_campfire_tales

Alas, with Satan On The Muppet Show, we strayed a tad into the “unreasonable” territory, even for Creepypastas, so let’s check with something closer to reality!

… Not that it’s any more realistic, I mean, just that the category is literally called “Reality”. For a bunch of horror writers, Creepypasta writers have apparently decided that reality is something that happens to other people. The Suicide Photographer, let’s roll!

Ahem!

“I am a photographer.”

Gasp! Could you be… a suicide photographer?!

Yeah, kind of played your cards a bit early with that one, huh.

“People hate my work. You may ask why, but when you see my shots, you’ll understand.”

The deadliest Instagram page.

“My work is very controversial. I am sadly proud of my photos, for I may be the only one who’s adopted this style.”

Pictures of dogs in sweaters?

“I capture photos of suicide.”

That was my second guess.

“No matter where I go, I carry my camera with me, ready to shoot anything that may happen.”

I think we just explained every single found footage film ever.

“There’s surprisingly a lot of suicides in this city and the next city over. I’ve gotten beautiful shots.”

And literally all of them were duckfacing.

“The most common ones are those of people jumping from buildings.”

Ah, yes, the most common cause of death: Re-creating the opening scenes from The Incredibles.

“Of course, there’s usually a crowd of people pleading for the person to come down, so I know right away what I am about to get. I stand to get a good perspective, hold up my camera, and snap the photo right as the person plunges to their demise.”

“I take a couple one after the other so I make sure to get the perfect shot. People surrounding me shout at me and call me heartless.”

Yes, but that’s how most people talk to photographers, so don’t take it too hard.

“On the contrary, I am more caring than them.”

… You’re a special kind of stupid, huh.

“That person wanted to end their life, so they had a perfect reason to make that decision. I’m showing them support and kindness by capturing their last moments.”

My arm is not big enough for the jerk-off motion in my soul.

“However, I don’t remember the last time I smiled.”

Was it the time you watched Young Frankenstein? Because that movie rocks.

“I have a splendid dark room to develop my photos, which I pin to the walls in my house. I have pictures of jumpers, people shooting themselves, taking pills or cyanide, jumping in front of a train, people stabbing themselves, and even some more unorthodox methods.”

‘… A trombone is involved.’

“It’s funny. I can see the idea form in their heads by looking into their eyes or reading their body language. For most of the most spontaneous ones, like the shooters or the train jumpers, I kindly approach them, explain that I’m not going to stop them, and ask if I could take a picture as they commit suicide.”

Half the time, it turns out they’re not actually committing suicide, and it’s super embarrassing.

“I’ve never had someone say no. The model will even wait for my cue. I have them point the gun to their head, and give them the signal to shoot. I wait until the train is close enough as they stand there, preparing to jump, and I give them the go.”

I’d like to know how many times he screwed up, and completely missed his chance, and caught them with a really embarrassing expression.

“Some even give me their names so that I can attend the funeral and visit their grave. They ask me for a copy of the photo. I oblige, but I lock the photo in a box so no one takes it away. From below the earth, I can almost hear the faint “thank you” coming from the coffin.”

And the crazy keeps on coming. Hot and cold running neuroses.

“I couldn’t make money off my hobby. No one wanted to show my art. But I think I’ve found someone who will…”

Faces Of Death?

“It’s a suicide cult.”

Also good.

“I let them know what I do, and that I myself don’t want to end my life, but they are awed by what I do. As their cult grows, so does my gallery, for now we have scheduled photo shoots. We have our own art gallery for people fascinated with suicide. I’ve even had a few non-suicidal people come in just to admire the horror.”

Oooh, “Admire The Horror”, good name for that electro-screamo-porno band I’m starting.

“I’m making money now. Capturing suicides is now my career.”

Try putting that on a resume.

“Here’s my card. Call me to schedule an appointment.”

Oh, please tell me he has a secretary, that would be the best/worst job ever.

So, that was The Suicide Photographer! How was it? Well, I’d say it made me want to kill myself if I was the witty sort- ooh, I totally should have used that on Life Of Deaths. Um, anyway, it was really good!

Nice and simple, with good word choices and an uneasy tone that sticks with you!

Internet Campfire Tales: Satan On The Muppet Show

22 Mar

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, the only web series that started as a Doctor Who spin-off, but then we got confused.

internet_campfire_tales

Yeah, yeah, I know, we still haven’t finished Necrosleep, but I’m taking a bit of a break from that story for totally legitimate reasons, and not only because I hate it so much that all I can taste is hatred and it tastes like Nutella.

Anywho, Satan On The Muppet Show, let’s roll!

Ahem!

“When I was a child, one of my favorite television programs was The Muppet Show.”

I really have to wonder, why are none of these “lost episodes” about shows they just, you know, sort of liked? Kind of watched on the side? Caught an episode here and there- oh no, no no no, it always has to be “mah most favorite shows ev-ar”.

“Every night, before I went to bed, I would tune into the show. I would always get so excited when my favorite character, Kermit, appeared.”

Which, considering how often Kermit appears, means you were pretty much in a constant state of orgasm.

“Right after dinner one night, I tuned in to see the green frog that always brought a smile to my face. The show started out normal, with Kermit introducing a special guest star. However, things turned a little strange when Kermit introduced the special guest ‘Satan’, and instead of the normal, happy singing, there was no sound at all.”

Oh geez, I would love to see the “Scooter gets the guest ready” sketch for an episode like that. Couldn’t be any weirder than that time the cast of Star Wars was on the show, just saying.

“Instead, the camera faded into a black and white doorway. As the camera inched closer and closer, I began to hear small bits of white noise.”

Ah, white noise, the go-to for lazy horror writers who don’t feel like going into detail about their ambient noises. All I’m saying, you had a golden opportunity to have “The Rhyming Song” as your horror story soundtrack.

“It then cut to a scene of Kermit, in front of the standard red theater curtains. There were several things out of place, however, Kermit’s head seemed warped and longer than usual.”

My god, it’s PROTO-KERMIT! You know, the older Jim Henson muppet who starred in coffee commercials, and frequently slaughtered anyone who refused to drink the coffee, up to and including threatening to shoot the audience in the face?!

“The colors he was composed of were now different, and darker. The bricks were also covered with a very bright substance, which seemed to be carelessly spattered about the wall.”

I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to assume they’re talking about blood, but I’m willing to bet it’s just Wilkins Instant Coffee.

“Kermit did not say anything. Instead, he just stared blankly at the camera, barely moving. I’m not quite sure how long the scene lasted, but to me it seemed to go on forever.”

Staring blankly? Barely moving? But enough about my love life, how’s the Pasta?

“Finally, the scene transitioned to a very dimly lit room that seemed to be someone’s attic.”

Nothing says terror like dusty storage spaces.

“The film was in black and white again, and the only source of light came from behind some boxes in the back. The room was very dirty, and had random objects scattered across the floor.”

Just dildos. Dildos, like, everywhere.

“There was a dirty, old projector toppled over in the middle of the room as well. I stared at it for a bit, until something suddenly moved behind it.”

… Wait, why a projector? The Muppet Show is a stage show.

“What I saw will haunt me for the rest of my life.”

As long as somebody is getting haunted from this crap.

“An overstretched, limbless, and filthy Kermit puppet was being slowly dragged across the floor by an unseen string.”

“Iiiiiiii’veeeeee gooooooooot noooooooooo stiiiiiiiiiiiings toooooooooooo hoooooooold meeeeeeeeee doooooooooooooown…”

“It looked lifeless, until the head began to crane towards the camera, even though no one was puppeteering it. It took ages for the poor frog’s gaze to finally reach me, but as soon as it did, the program cut to static.”

… Wait, that’s it? That’s seriously it?

“I just sat in silence, frozen by fright, and staring at the TV. To this day, I still don’t have a clue what happened that night. The Muppet Show will always be one of my favorite television shows, but it’ll never be quite the same because of that fateful night.”

Oh my. That’s… wow. I think we may have actually reached the super-critical cliche. I… the floor is spinning, I need to sit town.

So, that was Satan On The Muppet Show! How was it?

… It’s called Satan On The Muppet Show, what the fuck do you think?

It’s cliched, too short, undetailed, and boring. Although, the idea of a filthy Kermit puppet dragging itself across the floor of dark attic is a pretty interesting image! I just wish the rest of it was as interesting.

… And let’s be honest, a Wilkins Instant Coffee Commercial Creepypasta would be the scariest of all.

Get A Haircut And Get A Real Job

21 Mar

You know, maybe I could get a job easier if I took that part about getting paid to advertise sex toys.

Just a thought.

when the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away

20 Mar

Oh, what’s that, computer? You’re going to screw around with one video review? WELL NOW I’M MAKING A SCRIPT FOR ANOTHER HAH HAH MOTHERFUCKER HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT.

“What are we going to do with all these dildos?!”

“Is that a rib cage in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Expecto-vomit bucket, I guess.”

“This isn’t going to be the first time I’ve had to tell a woman this, but you don’t look nearly enough like a cheerleader.”

“‘Are you-‘ OH GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAAAAAACE.”

“Either she’s getting really sarcastic, or she’s having a staring contest with a spider on the ceiling.”

Dammit where’s your cleavage- LOOK, IT MAKES SENSE IN CONTEXT, PEOPLE.”

OKAY NOW YOU’RE JUST MESSING WITH ME

19 Mar

graaaaaaaaaagh NO REALLY IT’S FIIIIIIINE, computer, it’s completely freaking fine that after getting a thousand words into writing a video review that you UP AND FUCKING HIDE THE MOVIE ON ME! I swear to god, Pendleton, you’re about five minutes away from getting replaced with a goddamn Commodore 64. 

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