Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Omegle

18 Apr

God, how long has it been since I’ve made fun of people on Omegle? Must have been years! I can’t even remember what it’s like! Lets do it again!

[Editor's Note: Actually, it's only been a couple weeks-]

IT WAS BACK WHEN THE DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH MOTHERFUCKER WE’RE DOING THIS.

Ahem!

Is dubstep dead yet?

Not quite sure! One sec, hand me that gun.

*bang*

Okay, unless dubstep is actually a vampire, I think we’re good.

Do you believe in ghosts?

… Okay, fine, play the song.

AND YOU SAY I DON’T SPOIL YOU.

A girl likes a guy. Guy doesn’t go for it. She pursues him for two and a half years until he asks her out. She gives him a definitive “yes”. Then, she disappears and ignores him. Why?

Because, obviously, she was secretly Batman, and he was about to figure out her secret identity!

[Editor's Note: I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.]

Yes, which is what makes my imagination so much better than real life.

Do you want to build a snowman?

Do you want to go and play? Come on, lets go and play-

DISNEY CORPORATION COPYRIGHT DRONES ACTIVATED.

Oh god! No, Disney, I’ll stop-

LEGAL ELECTRO-SHOCK CEASE AND DESIST ACTIVATED.

ARRRRRGH!

 what are you talented at?

Well, I don’t mean to brag, but they don’t call me “Gloryhole Gordon” for nothing!

… Wait, nobody calls me that.

your pen is hot (delete the space between pen and is)

I DON’T EVEN OWN A PEN.

WHAT ARE YOU EVEN.

How do I know if I’m gay or just bi?

Dip your genitals in can of red ink, and if it hums in the presence of George Takei, you’ll know.

When you where in the back seat smokin a cigarette,thinkin it would be your last I fell deep deeply in love with you.

“And then, when I realized you were getting cigarette smoke on my upholstery, I filed for divorce.”

God knows you.

… Is he in the room with me now?

… How close is he?

… Is he at least wearing pants?

The Movie That Time Forgot: The Slender Man Review, Part Two

17 Apr

You know, considering how crazy the internet goes for anything tangentially related to Slender Man, you really have to wonder why The Slender Man fell completely off the radar. Either the world is a wildly different one than I’ve been led to believe, or all they had for an advertising budget was ten bucks and permission to upload it to YouTube.

Previously, on The Slender Man: Tall, dark, and tentacled himself has decided that kidnapping children himself is way too passée, so he nabbed Beardsley’s son and gotten the poor schmuck to do it for him. Jesus, even eldritch horrors are out-sourcing. Meanwhile, two siblings are investigating the detective who is investigating the kidnappings, because they’re trying to form a vast human centipede of detecting.

Ahem!

After stashing the latest little twerp, Beardsley takes the time to weep in the living room of his special secret kidnapping house, because he hates having to kidnap little kids. Which, hey, would be sad and everything, if we didn’t cut to him trying to feed the little fucker to Slendy. Ah, yes, we feel so bad about how you have to consistently murder little kids. Next you can weep about how stomping on kittens messes up your shoes!

The kid escapes before he can get eaten, and flees in to… the vast network of abandoned buildings that apparently surround this guy’s kidnapping lair. Seriously, I count about four, maybe five of the damn things. How much did it COST you to buy your super special evil lair, anyway? Couldn’t you just dump the brats in a ditch, save on mortgage? Or is Slendy giving you a loan?

Anyway, Beardsley wanders around for a frankly unreasonable amount of time, trying to find the kid, even going so far as to wander in to the woods. Uh oh, if he goes down to the woods today, he’s in for a big surprise! 

A teddy bear picnic, naturally.

He eventually finds the kid, standing completely straight in the middle of a field. Okay, either he’s secretly a scarecrow, or-

*KSSSSSSSHHHHHHH*

Yeah, he’s slender chow.

This time, instead of an order, Slends leaves behind a note from Beardsley’s son, begging for help. Because Slender Man is a dick, naturally, why else would he start taunting people? Beardsley wanders over to the spot where he first lost his son, and finds a note carved in to a tree. Don’t ask WHAT kind of note, mind, trying to read wood carvings in the middle of the light via shaky cam is a feat mildly harder than masturbating to climax on a unicycle.

But apparently whatever it is convinces him to go google the dead dad from the sibling’s story, and we cut to him driving up to their house. My god, are the two plots finally going to intersect? (Well, three plots, but the detective one is so bland, I’m not entirely sure I didn’t just dream it all.)

Beardsley wanders around the outside of the house for a while, looking in all the windows while he keeps the camera zoomed in as much as possible, and when he spots the sister looking up pictures of Slends, he bolts. Yes, yes, I too am intimidated by google images.

He looks prickly.

Before Beardsley leaves, he plants a note outside the house, and we cut to the sister, fetching the mail. And while she does it, the detective calls back, to set up a meeting. And while he does that, the sister reads the note, which turns out to also be a request for a meeting from Beardsley. Jesus, aren’t YOU Little Miss Popular all of a sudden!

The detective makes her promise not to show up to the meeting, so naturally, we cut to the siblings showing up to the meeting. Oh, ho ho ho, it’s funny because YOU TWO ARE FUCKING MORONS. They show up at Beardsley’s theme park of kidnapping fun times in the middle of the night, and surprisingly, don’t get fucked by tentacles in the first twenty seconds! I know, I’m as surprised as you are!

(And disappointed.)

Beardsley meets them at the door with a big bucket of popcorn, because he is just a motherfucking pimp, and invites them in to explain the plot. And by that, I mean he stabs them the second they get in! Eh, still not the worst first impression I’ve ever seen.

And… oh god, back to the fucking detective. He’s talking to some woman who I don’t think we’ve ever seen before, and it’s HER turn to explain the plot. Basically, German faerie, fucks with children, tall as balls. There we go, just summarized everything you need to know. Movie over now?

Pictured: Tall. (Addendum: As balls.)

The detective does some more “research”, by which I mean, google searches! He figures out that, basically, the brother was kidnapped when he was a little kid, and after his dad kidnapped enough little kids and fed ‘em to Slends, he got to go free, and that must be what is happening now! Um. Well, yes. We figured that out an hour ago. Is that… is that really the best detectiving you can do?

… Can we have our money back?

We cut over to shortly before the siblings got to Beardsley’s place, and we see the man himself getting… far too intimate with Slends. Either he’s getting possessed, or Slends is introducing him to the slender thing in his pants. Anyway, cut to after the ambush/kniving, where he has the siblings all trussed up, and he starts his diabolical monologuing!

… Well, I assume it’s diabolical, the entire thing is so poorly mic’d that while the sister’s screams are shaking my speakers to pieces, I can’t hear a word this fucker says. For all I know, he just explained the secret to eternal life and chocolate orgasms, and I wouldn’t know the difference.

This goes on for a while- I am dead serious, I have no idea what the fuck they are saying- until we cut to the detective. He’s heading down the highway, looking for adventure, and whatever comes his way. Booooorn to be wiiiiiild.

He grabs his gun, and- goddammit, now we’re back to the Muffled And Screamy Variety Hour. Look, Did you guys just brake your microphone? Is that what happened here? Anyway, Beardsley leaves for a minute, and the siblings start their escape attempt. CUE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME.

The detective holds Beardsley at gunpoint, until he runs off after getting shot, and meanwhile, the siblings trek through the woods. Just like every protagonist in a Slender project, naturally, union rules. And cue the movie’s climax! Wait, did I say “climax”? I mean, everybody walks around a pitch black forest while static plays, and Slends plays “find the jump scare”.

After a whole lot of walking, and a judicious application of the fast forward button, the detective finds Beardsley in the middle of the field. Oh no, how ever will you stop him-

*BLAM*

… Well. That was simple.

Meanwhile, how are the siblings doing?

*JUMPSCARE*

GODDAMMIT SLENDER MAN GET A HOBBY.

Slends bamfs in and nabs the brother, so the sister and detective make it back to their car. Annnnd they just drive away! Huh. Is the movie over? Can I leave now?

We cut to the sister in a Skype call with the most annoying collection of motherfuckers in this movie, annnnnnd who’s that behind her? Why, if it isn’t tall, dark, and OH GOD WHY WON’T THIS MOVIE END himself! He nabs her, the Skype call divides by zero and cuts in scary imagery, annnnd we’re done!

So! That was The Slender Man! How was it?

Not that bad!

I really don’t know why this movie was forgotten so easily, it’s not that bad! The acting is okay, and although it drags a lot, it has some pretty decent scares!

AND NO I AM NOT GOING TO BREAK THE FOURTH WALL DURING A SLENDER REVIEW AND HAVE HIM ATTACK YOU THAT IS SO PLAYED OUT.

Tall, Dark, And Gangly: The Slender Man Review, Part One

16 Apr

That’s right, you guessed it, mysterious voices in my head! Today, we’re looking at The Slender Man!

… No, not the games. Or the stories. Or the ARGs. Or the art. Or the songs. Or any of the billions of other things about that tall, perpetually well dressed motherfucker. See, that’s kind of the problem when you name your horror movie THE MOST GENERIC NAME EVER.

Produced in 2013, for $10 000 dollars, by the Super Movie Bros, The Slender Man is also proud owner of the blandest IMDB page ever! Honestly, this thing just amazes me. Not ONLY is it a found footage movie, based on an internet meme, but it’s also entirely on YouTube! My god, what kind of angry deity did this movie piss off so much, it got kicked in to the waste paper bucket of history?

… Lets hope it’s not me, huh.

Ahem!

Our found footage film opens with a shot of someone setting up a camera before a game of catch with a little kid. Oh, great, as if Slender Man wasn’t NAMBLA enough. The… I’m going to say “son and father” play for a while in a forest clearing, until the boy chases the ball in to the woods. Well, I mean, come on. You’re in a Slender Man movie, stepping ten feet in to anything with wood is either going to result in a quick tentacle raping, or you’ll get tossed out of the gay strip club.

We get our credits, which is comprised of stock footage of woods, until we cut to two people driving over for something involving dead dads. Charming, it’s like somebody made “My Life. The Major Motion Pictures”. The guy is in a fancy suit, and the girl is toting a camera around to film the funeral, because it’s about the most disrespectful thing you can do a funeral that doesn’t involve fucking it.

Fortunately, the guy convinces her to shut it off for most of it, and we cut to them clearing out daddy deadest’s house. It’s about as interesting as it sounds, and after that, they find out that his computer is full of news articles about kidnapped children. The… okay, I’m going to guess “brother and sister”, are confused over this, because their dad doesn’t write books about children, and- wait, seriously?! The dead dad is a WRITER, too?! This is my life, where the fuck is my royalty cheque?!

“Here, have a bag of money.”

Anyway, finding a file of kidnapped children, including a “how to guide”, is pretty damn weird, and the sister is determined to turn this in to a documentary. But the brother thinks it’s fucking stupid, and just walks out. Hey, think I just found a likeable character! The sister finds another file, titled “slenderman”, and after we see a list of Slender-sightings, we cut to a few days earlier. A man with a lumberjack beard is… talking to a tied up, blindfolded little girl in an abandoned basement?!

My “Slender Man, agent of NAMBLA” joke is gaining whole new dimensions.

Beardsly tells the girl that everything is going to be alright, leads her up in to a corner,and- uh oh, staticy sound effects! You know what that means! Yes, Slender Man nabs the scrumptious little brat in a burst of static, and… wow, is that really your Slender Man costume? I’ve seen better costumes in Tribe Twelve, and that series was shot entirely using a can-do spirit and a big moustache!

Our despicable Beardsly tries to apologize, but when he wanders out of the abandoned house, he makes the terrible mistake that everyone in the Slender Universe makes: He lives by the woods! Oooh, classic mistake. He wanders around a while, presumably because the script says so, until he finds a note on a rock.

“OLDER”

… Is… is he placing a fucking ORDER?! This isn’t a goddamn restaurant of little kids, Slendy! And even if it WAS, you know the rules! No shirt, no shoes, no obeying the dimensional constraints of the universe, no service!

He’s less “slender”, more “portly”.

And we cut to our next… character? Segment? Movie? I’m not entirely sure how this movie works. Anyway, our new guy is filming out of his skyscraper at dawn, presumably because it looks pretty, before walking through the hallway from Left 4 Dead: No Mercy, to a business meeting. He’s a private detective, presumably the one from V/H/S 2, here to talk to… a skyscraper daycare?

… We have those, right?

Anyway, our skyscraper day care volunteer lets the detective know about a missing boy, who was drawing Slender Man drawings shortly before her disappearance. Unfortunately, this is apparently NOT enough evidence to call the Ghostbusters.

The detective goes to the mother’s apartment to ask her a few questions, and also to ask her where her husband, Beardsly, is. Oh, and Beardsly turns out to be the father from the beginning! And also this segment takes place two days after Beardsly’s clip, and the same day of the sibling’s clip! Pay attention, there’s a fucking quiz later!

The mother insists that Beardsly is to blame for the kidnapping, even to the point of believing he falsified that video clip of him getting kidnapped. Jesus christ, lady, there is a point when blaming your dingbat of a husband goes a litttle OVERBOARD. “In fact, not only did he kidnap the kid and falsify the tape, but there never was a kid to begin with! That was him too!”

Annnnd back with the siblings! Holy hell, you just gave me whiplash. The sister has been studying the files, and is filing the brother in. Here, sing it with me now! “CREEPY GUY IN A SUIT IS KIDNAPPING LITTLE KIDS.” Seriously, small children in the audience have figured this crap out by now.

They find some record of the detective, and- wait, the detective? They say that he investigated a couple years ago, but- but the time stamp, and it- it said- the same year, and-

I think you just gave the space/time continuum a swirly.

“Duuuuude, stop iiiiit!”

The siblings head to… a local school, apparently, to look for the detective, but all they find is tall, dark, and jump scare himself. Seriously, all they do is drive up, jump scare, drive away.You… couldn’t afford to film inside the school, huh. On the drive back, the sister leaves a message for the detective, because TALKING ON THE PHONE WHILE DRIVING IS BOTH FUN AND SAFE!

We cut over to Beardsly hanging out at his kidnapping place, setting up various cameras, before heading out for a drive. And naturally, he slams right in to the driving montage from Manos: The Hands Of Fate. He drives to what I think is supposed to be the funeral home, before punching the car and driving off. Yeah, poorly chosen exterior shots piss me off too.

Beardsly calls his wife, and she tells him about how she just stuck a detective on him. So, he blows off steam the same way any of us would: Kidnapping another child!  Ah, yes, I remember the days when I would sit back, relax, and go chloroform a toddler!

I think my soul died a little, just from saying that.

THIS MOVIE MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

THIS MOVIE MAKES ME VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

SILENT HILL 2 REVIEW

15 Apr

Man, it’s time to get in to that one horror game that everyone keeps telling me is the best thing ever since sliced sex! Lets rock this!

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

*walking*

… I forgot how boring this fucking game was!

Things Are Easy When You’re Big In Japan: Attack On Titan Review, Part One

14 Apr

(I REFUSE to believe I’m the first one to come up with that title joke.)

Yes, today we’re stepping a bit out of our wheelhouse! (What is a wheelhouse, anyway?) Instead of a bad horror movie, we’re going to be looking at the first episode of the anime, Attack On Titan! Because, frankly, it was that, or My Little Pony, and I figure I’d give all of your terrified and confused genitals a break.

… That quote is going to be very confusing out of context.

This is NORMALLY when I’d give a preamble, explaining some backstory about the show… but I know exactly nothing about this show. It’s an anime. It’s big in Japan. People keep telling me to review it. And they’re going to go ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NUTS if I don’t give this a positive review.

Yaaaaaay.

Ahem!

After the remarkably obnoxious Funimation logo, we get… geese! Oh, so this is about CANADIAN Titans. Everyone in this town are staring in shocked disbelief at the geese, until we eventually pan over to reveal a massive wall around the city, complete with a big hand that looks like it was made out of beef jerky groping it!

Our narrator starts up, about how humanity was reminded about how sucky it is to get fucked over by giant hunks of beef jerky, while the giant stands up and just kind of stares over the city. Either that, or he’s searching for a glory hole. “Aww, yeeeah, sexy humanity is going to get oppressed TONIGHT!”

We cut to a squad of people on horses with machine guns, heading out through the forest to “set up a human outpost” outside the wall, and happen to run in to a… well, I’m going to say Titan, because they’re in the title. Anyway, they start… sending out grappling hooks? Okay, who the fuck gave Batman horses? ANNNNND JAPANESE CREDIT SEQUENCE WITH LYRICS THAT HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY, GO!

I swear, the people who make Japanese opening themes need to actually start WATCHING the series they’re writing for. Anyway, after that’s done with, we cut to a field of pretty flowers. Which then immediately splice in pictures of horrible war. Aww, darn, and you almost went a whole minute without showing something violent!

That part turns out to be a dream, and a young boy with eyes about six times too large for his head named Eren wakes up in the field of flowers. A girl, named “She Is Not Named Here But She Has A Scarf So Her Name Is Now Scarf Girl”, tells him they should get going. Uh oh, that was the magic words for “FLASHBACK”! We flashback to… 875? Don’t ask what reference that has to the current time, this show has a relationship to exposition like a drunken hobo, half-heartedly belting out lines of the Digimon theme song as he steals from Girl Scouts.

Anyway, the flashback shows a bunch of naked men scratching at the walls as- wait, this ISN’T a flashback? It just cuts back to Eren and Scarf Girl carting sticks back home! Yeah, little hint, when a show flashes a big date before cutting to a completely different scene, it USUALLY means it’s a flashback! Or, hell, maybe that wasn’t even the date, maybe that was the number of naked men on screen.

Anyway, Eren and Stick girl get stopped on their walk home by… a drunken hobo? Oh god, don’t let him near the Girl Scouts or the Digimon theme song! Actually, it turns out he’s a guard who’s supposed to be guarding for Titans, but getting drunk is more fun! A man after my own heart.

Eren goes off on him about how unprepared they’d be if the Titans attacked, but Drunky McFreeloader says, “oh, it’s cool, we have REEEEEALLY big walls”. Well, yeah, but what if the Titans get that Batman technology?! THEN WE’RE ALL FUCKED!

“What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think I am?! I’M THE GODDAMN TITAN!”

Eren tells Scarf Girl about how wants to be a Scout when he grows up, and lo and behold, the Scouts are back! And by “Scouts”, I mean the Regiment of Batmen! But when the duo go to see their brave entrance, things are… in remarkably bad shape. Turns out, a bunch of dweebs trying to take on giants with grappling hooks was as bad an idea as everyone thought! GODDAMMIT, WHO FUNDED THE “LETS FEED HUNGRY TITANS” PROJECT!

A woman runs up to the Regiment of Batmen, and asks where her son is. “Your son? Oh, sure! Hey, Paul, hand me that bucket!”

Apparently, “ability to not be a dick” is the first casualty of giant attack.

The Captain says, “oh yeah, your son was so helpful”. Oh, wait, I’m sorry, I thought this was one of those HAPPY, FEEL GOOD anime! No, instead he bursts out crying about how terribly incompetent he and all the Batmen are and how they’ve accomplished nothing. OI, JACKASS, POINTING OUT HOW MANY DICKS YOU SUCK IS MY JOB. YOU JOB IS TO SUCK DICK. LETS STICK TO WHAT WE KNOW.

When one of the crowd starts bad mouthing the Batmen, Eren smacks him, so Scarf Girl… holy hell, she fucking tosses him across the street with one hand! Good god, just send HER to fight the Titans, she’d have the whole thing cleared up in no time!

Scarf Girl and Eren make their way home, because… apparently they’re brother and sister! That explains why… they look nothing alike? Hrm. Anyway, Scarf Girl tells the parents that Eren wants to sign up for the “All You Can Eat Me” buffet- er, I mean, Batman Brigade, and the father is remarkably understanding! “Well, good luck with that. I’m going to go on a far off business trip to get out of the plot.”

“… But we live in one giant city.”

“… Well. In that case, I’m going to lock myself in the closet for a couple months. Lah dah dah dee dah.”

Actually, that closet is probably better than their house.

Eren runs off to go… jump inside a Titan’s mouth, I assume, but instead finds some bullies beating up on… Herbie the Misfit Elf?! Just because he wanted to be a dentist, you didn’t have to do THAT! Anyway, they get ready to beat the living tar out of Eren, but one look at Scarf Girl, and they’re off running. Seriously, she is terrifying. I’m pretty sure she could wrap the whole damn Batman Brigade in her own scarf.

Herbie and Eren discuss how unfair it is that leaving the city is taboo, while Scarf Girl just barely tolerates them, and meanwhile, we get dramatic shots of wind. Annnnnd… oh god! It’s the geese! Run, everyone get out! The geese can only mean one thing-

*KKKKKKSHHHH*

“RAAAAAAAAAAAWR!”

fucking told you!

That’s right, one giant lightning strike later, and the Titans are back. Teen Titans, GO! Their first move? Fuck the wall!

… An unorthodox strategy, to be sure.

This whole lets all the slightly-less-titanic Titans in, and the giant naked bastards start… I don’t know, being naked at things? Using their cock lasers? Smiling creepily? Anyway, Eren and Scarf Girl head to their house to see how their mother dealt with having the wall dropped on her head.

“AAAAAARRRRRGH OH MY GOD I ENVY THE DEAD!”

Better than I expected, to be honest.

Mummy dearest is pinned under the rubble and a Titan is coming, but… it’s Officer Drunky McFreeloader to the rescue! I’m sure HE can kill that monster!

“Fear me, you deformed naked maniac! I shall slay you, for little girls everywhere!”

“…”

“Did you hear me? I… I have a grappling hook and a big knife? I’m going to kill you now!”

“…”

“Are you even THERE?”

*creepy stalker smile*

“…”

Yes, without his liquid courage, Drunky doesn’t have any of his regular courage, and he scoops up Scarf Girl and Eren and runs for the hills. And, of course, we get to see the Titan pull the mother apart limb from limb, like a breadstick.

[Editor's Note: Do breadsticks have limbs?]

They do if you’re eating them right.

So, that was the first episode of Attack On Titan! How was it?

… NAKED GIANTS NAKED GIANTS NAKED GIANTS NAKED GIANTS.

No, but seriously, it was fine! Good animation, nice soundtrack, good story telling engine set up, good characters, good… other generic traits that one usually says about a good thing! (Look, I’m not used to saying nice things about the stuff I review.)

So, tune in next time, in which the Titans are stopped by a surprise team-up with Godzilla AND the Earth Defence Force! Oh, and then Eren starts making out with the Titans, because you know that he’s always kissing guys!

There we go, I think I referenced everything.

This Is A Thing That Exists

13 Apr

Oh my god, why.

Why.

WHY.

WHY IS THIS A THING THAT EXISTS.

AND WHY HAVEN’T I HEARD OF IT TILL NOW.

AND WHY IS IT JUST.

SO.

GREAT.

That’s No Bad Movie, It’s A Space Station: Apollo 18 Review, Part Three

12 Apr

I think I’m finally starting to see why people hate found footage movies so much: They are SO GODDAMN BORING! I mean, say what you want about V/H/S 2, but at least something HAPPENED! There were characters! And things! And boobs! GOD, I MISS BOOBS!

… Er. Forget I said that.

There’s no monster, it’s just that space is full of prat falls.

Previously, on Apollo 18Something happened. Probably.

Maybe.

Ahem!

While Bland Astronaut Number One is repairing the rover, he feels something moving inside his spacesuit. Don’t worry, that happens to every boy growing up. Actually, it’s one of the alien critters, and when we see it inside the helmets, its actually a weird spider monster! Goddammit, either this thing turns in to a rock when we’re not looking, or I just lost ten dollars.

Bland Astronaut Two heads outside (in his suit, he didn’t just pop out in his thong, and drags Thing One inside. Man, it sure is a good thing being the cold vacuum of space doesn’t harm anyone, right?

… What?

Thing One is freaking out and hyperventilating, while Thing One gets the oxygen back in to the cabin, so now he’s a-okay! While, except for the fact that now he’s got a Yeerk stuck in his head. Generally, an oxygenated enema doesn’t help with that.

They can’t get in contact with Thing Three, the one who’s stuck up there, floating around the moon. And, of course, when they call up the government, they just say the worst thing they possibly could: We’re the government, and we’re here to help!

Thing One is all shell-shocked after his cuddle with the rock-spider, and they find a huge gash in his chest. Oh god, it’s a chest burster in reverse! They feel around inside to make sure it’s in there, and after such a “positive” diagnosis, this pull it out with a set of salad tongs. Because in space, no one can hear you toss a good caesar.

Spoiler Alert: The alien is actually a type of crouton.

Turns out, chest surgery is remarkably simple and clean, and they whip out the slimy little buggar! Oh, and yeah, it’s a rock. Hah hah, it IS a rock spider! Pay up, you degenerate motherfuckers! Oh, and then Thing One smashes it with a hammer. My god, space is actually a game of Minecraft!

Houston tries to get in contact with them, but although the astronauts can hear them, Houston can’t hear a word. Great, NOW who is supposed to be completely fucking useless and say that they have everything “all in hand”! Thing Two finally realizes that those stupid radar transmitters aren’t for spying on the Soviets, no no no, it’s actually kind of a dinner bell for the aliens! It seems that Houston specifically sent them up here as bait for the alien rock spiders. (Well. That, and without them, we wouldn’t have a movie!)

Thing One and Thing Two head out to go destroy the transmitters, but the aliens are WAY ahead of them. Oh, and they see something else. Apparently. Look, it’s 1974, cameras ain’t exactly ahead of their time. I’m pretty sure my phone could make a better movie. (In more ways than one!)

Back at the lander, Thing One’s wound has gotten infected, which is kinda expected. I mean, if moon rocks could fuck up Cave Johnson, sentient moon rocks might as well carry tiny shotguns. Thing Three is still floating about, humming quietly to himself, and Houston keeps calling them. They know the astronauts can’t hear them, but they’re TOTALLY WORKING ON THE PROBLEM AND AREN’T TRYING TO KILL ANYONE AT ALL!

And what does the committee say to that?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Thing One is getting sicker and sicker, and he feels his own thoughts fragmenting. Because… these are psychic alien rock spiders, apparently! Of course, don’t you know anything about SCIENCE?!

Thing Two, meanwhile, continues his vlog about how he knows they’re dead meat (geez, spoiler warning), until he spots blood dripping on him from his monster- er, I mean, fellow astronaut! When Thing Two tries to help, he’s apparently talking to the Jekyll side of the psychosis, who tells him to fuck off. Hey, speaking of fucking, I wonder, what happens when you masturbate in space? Someone should try that.

Of course, now it’s Thing One’s turn on the vlog, and which is comprised entirely of making spooky faces at the camera. Oh, and when we see one of the rock spiders dash across the dashboard camera, he starts hulking out and smashing everything in sight. Well, I can’t see THAT ending badly!

Next scene: Things are going badly! WHO COULD TELL! The atmosphere is leaking fast, because… breaking the cameras apparently damages the hull itself. Good god, are you in a space ship, or the USS Porcelain Egg? They hop in to their spacesuits and start driving away, presumably because you can just drive to Earth, but Thing One insists that he’s dead meat, and crashes the rover. Unfortunately, he apparently crashes in to the moon equivalent of the tall grass! ROCK SPIDER, I CHOOSE YOU!

According to all the google searches, I’m not the only one who calls these things “rock spiders”! DAMMIT I WANTED TO BE A TREND SETTER.

Thing Two dusts off his suit, picks up the camera, and heads off to find the Russian lander, as well as whatever happened to Thing One. (Hint: It rhymes with “bessily beviscerated”.) Actually, he DOES find Thing One, who says that he’s heading in to their… city? Nest? Burrow? Nightclub? Anyway, he heads in to their big crater, and while he’s in the middle of his big speech, they yank the poor fucker in. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE A MOVIE POSTER!

Thing Two STUPIDLY follows afterwards, and hey,we have our first scene played entirely via strobe light! But we do get to see the hoard of little rocks unfurl their little legs and start chasing him out of their crib, which is the alien way of saying “get off our lawn”.

Somehow, the hoard of aliens don’t manage to kill him, and he manages to get to the Russian lander and begin the start-up sequence. And, of course, he keeps trying to get a hold of anyone. Dude, they’re not going to call you back, just get over it!

A Russian transmission starts up over the radio, and it patches Thing Two through to the Department of Defence. Sorry, Captain Bland, but “the government is really evil” is pretty popular right now, so you’re fucked! The Department of Defence tells him that they’ll stay on the line for him, but they’re not gonna bring him back, because horror movies can’t have happy endings- er, I mean… actually, he doesn’t offer a reason. Maybe it’s not in the budget?

Thing Two lays around, waiting to die because this movie is very cheery, until Thing Three finally manages to get a hold of him. They begin the countdown for launch, until Zombie Rock Spider Thing One shows up, and he starts knock knock knockin’ on his door. Fortunately, I guess the spiders are good guys now, because they pop his seal of freshness before Thing One can break the window!

Thing Two takes a while to contemplate that, until he finally remembers to lift off! Meanwhile, the Department of Defence calls up Thing Three and tells him not to save Thing Two. “He’s contaminated!”

“By what?”

“Rocks.”

“…”

“And also spiders.”

The Department of Defence breaks it down for him: Either he lets Thing Two fry, or they won’t give him the approach vectors. Which very quickly ceases to be a problem, when the rock samples that the Russians had gathered spring up when he hits orbit, and then hastily devour his tasty meat-flesh! Which is kind of a problem when you’re driving directly for another spaceship.

“Thing Two, slow down!”

“ARRRRRGH OH GOD MY FACE.”

“You’re… you’re heading right for me!”

“GRAAAAAR PINCERS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO THERE.”

“… Could you at least put on Space Oddity before you crash?”

(God, that VIDEO. Science fucking rocks, that’s all I’m saying.)

But before you can walk out of the theatre, it’s time for all the special features that the director thought you wanted to see! We get the reports on how the astronauts “officially” died, the URL for the website that “found” all this footage, and a list of how many lunar rock samples were brought to Earth. Oh, please, we know those can’t be spiders, because apparently the spiders get fucking panic attacks in space!

So, that was Apollo 18! How was it?

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

It’s not that this is BAD, not exactly. (Well… okay, it is, but- shut up!) It has a couple good ideas, a nice concept, good atmosphere, and it is just SO DULL. Most of it is just watching people trying and failing to use the radio, and the rest of it is staring at rocks! Still, I’m glad that a horror movie about the Apollo program EXISTS, I just… wish it wasn’t this one!

Oh well, at least I won’t have to worry about another space horror movie until I get around to reviewing Gravity.

[Editor's Note: Actually, that one is a thriller, not horror.]

Please, thrillers are just horror movies who are too much of a pussy to admit what they actually are.

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