the hellhounds demand good grades

3 May

Oh, my poor, poor teacher. Post is off for today, because my teacher requested a research project on “The Hound Of The Baskervilles”, and I proceeded to respond with a several page essay on the history and etymology of hellhounds. That’s what happens when you don’t specify what we should research, teacher!

Internet Campfire Tales: The Silent Vixen, A Creepypasta Review

2 May

A title… with the word “Vixen” in it.

Give me a moment, I’m not nearly drunk enough for this.

internet_campfire_tales

On the bright side, according to the change log, the original title was What Does The Fox Say. My god, that makes this title look like a fucking masterpiece. Let’s take a look, won’t we?

Ahem!

“It was a normal June night in the little country town I live in. I was enjoying the cool night from my enclosed porch. My wife had taken the kids to her parents for the day and hadn’t returned home yet.”

‘Which, of course, meant I was already three sheets to the wind.’

“As I raised my glass to take a drink, I saw a small creature emerge from the woods across the yard and slowly start walking towards the road.”

That’s a terrible thing to call your children.

“The neighbor’s dog must have caught the scent of it because it started barking in the direction of the creature. It was about the size of a Collie so I figured it was a stray dog, and I went back to my drink.”

Even he’s trying to drink those titles away.

“I was unafraid of the dog as it walked towards the road and it came near a street light and I saw that it had reddish orange fur, realizing it to be a fox. It was larger than the foxes I have seen scampering around the field at night, which interested me a little.”

I swear, you have the weirdest fetishes.

“As I watched the fox walking across the road I suddenly recalled the amusing little song that my kids would play on Youtube about what noise a fox makes, bringing a chuckle as I remembered all the weird noises the singers made in the song.”

You have ten seconds to change the subject, or I will bring you into the real world, and immediately light you on fire.

“Jokingly I looked in the fox’s direction and said in the same sing song tone that they use in the video, “What does the fox say”. This brought another chuckle from me.”

WELL THAT DOESN’T DATE THIS STORY AT ALL.

“Suddenly the fox stopped in his tracks and started looking around as if searching for something, its ears darting this way and that.”

He’s searching for a new story to be in.

“Did it hear me?” I thought to myself. No it couldn’t have. Slowly it began to raise up on its back legs, back still bent forward, front paws now resting on the ground reminding me of a chimpanzee.”

Gasp. It’s the dreaded Foxpanzee.

“The dog was now barking ferociously at the creature. The fox must have got annoyed trying to listen while the dog barked because before I knew what was happening the fox was rushing in the direction of the dog and was over the fence in a matter of seconds. I heard the dog yelp, then a loud snap, then silence.”

Huh. Do you do work for hire? I have a few dogs in my neighborhood who could do with a good neck-snapping.

“During the whole scene I must have been holding my breath because my chest was starting to hurt.”

Gosh, where’s an obnoxious cow to inform people to breathe when you need her?

“I let out my breath with a gasp and slowly started breathing again. My gasp must have been louder than I had thought because the creature’s head shot in the direction of my house.”

I hope you’re not speaking literally, although the idea of a fox’s head firing towards some sap at break-neck speed is enough to get me through the day.

“I dropped down as low as I could while still being able to peek over the ledge of the window. Slowly the creature climbed the fence again and started walking this way. It walked slowly, head never leaving this direction, shoulders low to the ground, like a wolf stalking its prey. Its eyes glowing a cold yellowish color.”

Motherfucker, are you getting spooked by a fox? Step on it! Kick it! Or… you know, just go inside.

“My grass was by no means overgrown, but as soon as the creature crossed the street and made it to the grass it disappeared and I lost track of it.”

The long grass? My god, it was a Pokemon the whole time.

“Scared beyond any point I have ever been in in my life I scanned the yard nonstop, but there was no sign of the creature. “Where is it? It couldn’t have just disappeared!” I screamed to myself.”

It’s clearly off cavorting with a hound.

Or running a conservative news station.

 

“Then I saw them, those glowing eyes staring right at me from the other side of the driveway. Slowly the shape of the creature came back into view. The creature raised its head as if it were howling but there was no sound. I watched, too scared to move, too scared to try and hide. Once again its head went up as if it were howling, but still no noise.”

God, if only the ridiculous song made no noise too.

Crack! I heard come from somewhere close. Then another and another. Looking around I realized that all the windows of the porch had started to crack.”

Weird, the same thing happens whenever I try to sing.

“The cracks worked their way across the entire window until the sound was deafening. Suddenly there was a loud explosion as the first window shattered raining glass on me, a few pieces nicking me and drawing blood.”

Maybe the fox is just drumming up business for a window repair company?

“I dropped to the floor and raised my arms up to protect my face. One after another the windows shattered.”

What is this, Black Canary’s new pet?

“When it was safe I sat up, shaking the glass off of my head. On the wall of the house I saw lights appear and start to grow brighter. Lifting up to peer out the window I saw headlights on the road. The car started to slow and turn into the driveway. It was my wife with the kids.”

‘Wait, that’s not my wife and kids! Oh god! Whose house have I been in!’

“I stood and ran out the porch door to warn her not to get out of the car, almost getting hit in the process. She slammed on the breaks and jumped out of the car to check on me.”

See, a real wife would have slammed on the accelerator.

““What’s wrong?” she asked in a worried tone.”

‘I’m trying to get the insurance money, duh.’

““There is something in the field, it shattered all the windows!” She looked towards the house. “There is nothing wrong with the windows. Are you okay hun?””

The proper response is to immediately smash the windows yourself, so you’ll never be wrong.

“I looked at the house and just as she said all the windows were just fine. I stood, staring at the house in disbelief.”

‘… Maybe I’m just really fast at window repair?’

““What is going on?” I thought to myself. Was it all in my head? No it cant have been. I felt the shards of glass cut me. I ran my hand across my face where I had been cut and looked at my hand. No blood. My wife, looking at me the entire time with a worried look on her face, raised her hand to my cheek and asked again, “Are you okay? Do you need to see a doctor?””

‘It’s cool, a magical fox just performed Inception on me. What’s for dinner?’

““No, no… I’m fine… must have fallen asleep on the porch and had a bad dream,” I told her, not completely believing it myself. We got the kids inside and tucked in and started getting ready for bed. As I walked around the bed to get to my side I stopped to look out the window and thought about the “dream” I had.”

I really hope you’re not talking about some kind of wet dream about the magic fox.

“As I looked out the window my eyes scanned the yard I saw the, those eyes, looking right at me, then they were gone. A feeling of relief came over me.”

Oh yes, because demonic foxes are very reassuring.

Wait, what.

“I stood there just staring out the window until my wife asked me if I was coming to bed. I scanned the treeline one last time before turning away from the window and crawling into bed.”

And imagining your wife as the fox the whole time, right? Well, that was The Silent Vixen! How was it? Actually, pretty atmospheric!

It’s not going to win any points in the scare department, but it paints an excellent little modern fairy tale- and come on, who wouldn’t want to be friends with a murderous teleporting reality warping screaming silent fox?

(That was a rhetorical question.)

Meet Cassandra

1 May

Drawing, draaaaaawing, always always draaaaaaaawing. This time, of an OC who’s been kicking around my head for a long while. Here, get some space to run around in, you super-powered little dork.

cass

Internet Campfire Tales: The Ruins, A Creepypasta Review

1 May

One of the most common ways to create an effective Creepypasta is to withhold as many details as possible. (This advice also applies to relationships.) And of course, there’s a way to it right, and a way to do it wrong!

This is the second one.

internet_campfire_tales

Fine, fine, no offense, The Ruins. Can’t play my cards too early, after all. Let us find out! Is it good? Is it bad? Did I already reveal it? Probably.

Ahem!

Author’s note: The Ruins is a story about a man awaking, not knowing who he is or why he is there as he progresses down the mysterious place. Where is he? Heaven? Hell? Earth?”

And you have completely summarized the entire story in the first two seconds. Congratulations. Feel free to go home, everyone.

“Water dripped onto my forehead.”

Um. That’s not water.

“I sat up looking up at the overcast sky, not much light could get through the dark grey clouds.”

Oh, is that why Edward Cullen lives there?

“I climbed to my feet, seeing nothing around me, just the dead soil with cracks in it and some small patches of dead grass. The green was faded away leaving behind the dull brownish tone.”

I guess there are no gardeners in Hell. Plenty of poetry majors, oddly enough.

“The wind and rain mixed into a soft melody before the rumbling of the clouds worked up, then the mighty crash of thunder echoed its wrath over the planet.”

The Weather Channel has gotten very strange, lately.

“A bolt of lightning flashed before me, hitting the ground just missing my feet. I jumped back, noticing the clouds spinning round above me like I was in the eye of the storm. What was going on?”

Obviously, you’re secretly recreating the climax to Merlin’s Shop Of Magical Wonders. I fully expect the plot twist to be that you’re the demonic cymbal monkey.

“I had no idea. Without even thinking twice I ran aimlessly until I was out of breath, my feet gave up, my heart racing as the pain of the stitch filled my chest.”

The shocking truth behind Lilo And Stitch.

“I pressed my hands on my knees, coughing violently, I breathed in the sweetness of the air. Then I started to hear the hammering.”

Oh god, Thor is drunk again.

“When I looked up, I saw I was standing by some gates, they had rusted from age. Once, they would have been a pinnacle of greatness, now they’re a shadow of their former self.”

This is a very long set-up for a review of some gates.

“A stand where a man once stood with a book, ticking the names that walked through them was left next to it.”

But he’s on break now. Getting some coffee. It happens.

“The gates looked bent, like something big barraged through them, bending the metal outwards.”

Dammit, God, we told you not to drink and drive.

“As soon as I walked through them, I started to feel like I was trespassing on someone’s grave. I looked to my side to see a mirror and the chilling thought filled my mind.”

‘Where’s my pants?’

“Who was I?”

If it’s Ethan Safe, they’ll never find the fucking body.

“A man stood in the mirror, he was in his early twenties. His hair was black, yet the blue in his eyes shone through, with the colour being brought out by the blue nylon jumpsuit that matched his blue converse.”

Oh, it’s just Joel Hodgson, never mind.

“Was that me? Why was I there?”

It is Ethan Safe. My god. Evacuate the pasta!

“As I continued to walk, I saw that I was now in the streets. At first, they looked all modern, before they started to change into those you might find in the Victorian, Stuarts, Tudors, medieval, dark ages eras, as well as many more, before it ended with the ancient Greeks.”

Good point, because Ancient Greece was the earliest civilization. … Wait.

“A temple stood out in the open. The street I walked down was only one of many that linked to the centre. A huge beam of white light shone bright, fighting through the clouds.”

It’s an orbital strike! OH GOD RUN!

“Around me, I saw stone statues of people bowing and worshiping it, some looked like they was begging to be saved. When another gust of wind blew, it wasn’t just the roar but I heard the chanting of different languages.”

Including Esperanto, oddly enough.

“Where was I? What happened here? Why was I here?”

“I walked closer to the light…”

And that is, no joke, how it ends. Well, didn’t we learn a lot today. Like… like… no, I’ve got nothing. Sigh. So, that was The Ruins! How was it?

Well, it wasn’t Creepy, so I think we missed a key part of the experience!

It wasn’t atmospheric, scary, or anything a good Pasta should be! It was just kind of there. I like the ideas of the gates of heaven being torn down, but I think the story needs a bit more to stick!

… And also, the less it reminds me of Ethan Safe, the better.

Hot Time, Omegle In The City

29 Apr

Back of my neck, getting dirty and gritty… hmm? Ah yes, posting. Hello dick jokes, my old friend. Me, Omegle, and the mockery thereupon.

Ahem!

What do you think of fat girls? This mexican girl in my class is fat because her dad works as at mc donalds(lol!). Her mom is maid(also fatty) who barely speaks english. I prank called her everyday!!!

Ah. Now my hands are stuck on permanent trachea snapping mode. It will be like this for the rest of the day. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a pre-schooler to get this out of my system.

hi, any girls out there bored, curious or maybe naugthy enough to get rated?

Allow me to check my Bored, Curious, Or Maybe Naugthy Girl chart. Hmm. Nope. Fresh out.

If you raise your child correctly, they won’t become: feminist, nazi, communist, liberal, vegetarian/vegan, gay, trans*.

And here I am, being all of those things. Darn the luck.

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD

AND SNACKS FOR THE SNACK GOD.

Fuck, I need some work or money.

Then, sir, it’s your lucky day! Have you ever heard of a little thing called… hired assassin? Or prostitute? Or, alternatively, both?!

I’m a guy looking for girls who will chat with me about sex while we both masturbate.

Well, as long as you’re direct about it.

reviewers have weird dreams

28 Apr

Taking today off of- well, most things, but posting in specific. Got no sleep last night, thanks to a particularly bizarre series of nightmares, in which The Babadook had two sequels, each one worse then the other, and I was forced to try and explain them to people on a bus.

This is what my life has led to.

This is what I am.

So many regrets.

From Beyond My Understanding: Banshee Chapter Review, Part One

27 Apr

Why, hello! Say, are there any H.P. Lovecraft fans in the audience?

Because if so, would you like to review this movie instead?

This is a DREADFUL sequel to Pin.

 

Look, I- I don’t have anything against H.P. Lovecraft! He seems like a talented, if tremendously racist, writer! But I’ve tried to sit down and read some of his works before, and my god, did that man need an editor. You need somebody to wade into his prose with a hedge-clipper and a fetish for cutting things before anything of reasonable size came out of the deal. Thankfully, that will hopefully not be a problem with Banshee Chapter, an 2013 adaptation of Lovecraft’s From Beyond!

… But I’m keeping my hedge-clipper nearby, just in case.

Ahem!

Our film opens with a text box, telling us about America’s old tests with mind control drugs, MK-Ultra, followed by old videos of people talking on the subject. Ah, yes, back when ugly people were allowed on TV. According to some modern footage of somebody discussing the project, each person given the drug claimed to see the same things. Presumably a Chapter- nay, even a Banshee chapter.

Our researcher guy turns out to be a friend of some lady, who talks about how he went missing, before cutting back to the past, with him taking a sample of said magical drug while his friend videotaped it. After a while of no effects, they both here some funky-ass warbling sounds (that’s the technical term), and head through the house to go investigate it. And it turns out to be… a radio. Like, a spooky radio, but still.

Eventually, the noise gets louder and louder, until something darts by the window, and everything gets all glitchy, and we get the scariest thing of all: the title. Cut back from that, and it turns out that both the guy who took the drug- his name’s James- and the guy making the film, disappeared soon after, and the lady who knew him back in college decided to investigate his disappearance. The lady, who I doubt is the Banshee- although she could be a chapter, I suppose, searched James’ house, and finds a some information about radio waves. Blues Clues would be so proud.

She heads to the local radio enthusiast for his opinion on the matter, and finds that the signal in James’ house was an old Numbers Station- creepy-ass old radio stations that broadcast numbers and letters and other incredibly useless information. To record the information, she’s told she has to head out into the desert in three in the morning with a receiver. Which I believe means that this movie is in canon with Fallout: New Vegas.

When I’m drunk, anyway.

 

She tells the radio enthusiast that she knows he used to work as a code-breaker for the CIA, which is… neat, I suppose. I’m sorry, I’ve met way too many government code-breakers to that to be impressive. (They drink a lot more than you’d expect, incidentally.) After waiting for several hours in the desert, she finally begins picking up the signal, which is more of a problem then you’d think, if only because scary voices muttering incomprehensibly over a staticy radio connection is about three levels of hell all in itself.

While she searches outside the car, she happens upon some terrifying monster- well, not exactly terrifying, more… blurry? It looks like a Silent Hill monster, only in the desert- so, a Welcome To Night Vale monster, then- look it was uncomfortable is my point gosh you asshats.

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