SAVIOR OF SPAMBOTS

19 Sep

[Editor's Note: Just... just how long have you been awake?]

Depends. Does humanity still use the Gregorian calender?

[Editor's Note: Oh, for fuck's sake. What are you even doing in here, other than bring the local property taxes down?]

There’s a woman who desperately needs my help!

[Editor's Note: On the internet? Dammit, have you been checking out those depressing Russian bride services again?]

No! Well, yes, but not now! See, this woman sent me a private message, and she says she’s been struggling with her sexuality!

[Editor's Note: ... Okay.]

And also, she’s being beaten by her husband!

[Editor's Note: What.]

And she just got out of the hospital, and she doesn’t know what to do with her kid!

[Editor's Note: And have you considered, just maybe, she might be lying?]

What?! Don’t be so callous, you monster!

[Editor's Note: So, just to be clear, you find nothing weird about the way she randomly jumps topics from her bisexuality, to spousal abuse, to be baby, and back again?]

… Maybe she just have a word-of-the-day calender that she’s trying to work through really fast?

[Editor's Note: Either you've been scammed, or being bisexual makes you a terrible writer.]

Huh. Then what’s my excuse?

[Editor's Note: ... Dude. Cock blocking my insults? Not cool.]

Time For A Good Training Montage?

18 Sep

Taggin’ out for the evening, ladies and gents! I think I’ve finally found the next film for a video review, I’ve been watching it, doing my research, getting all prepped, and… wow. This is going to be the first one I didn’t do a text review for first, and… jesus, you people don’t pay me enough for this crap. It’s going to be interesting, that’s all I can say.

… What Does Omegle Mean, Anyway?

17 Sep

… No, seriously, I’ve been making fun of Omegle for years, and… like, what? What… what even is that? That’s not a word, that’s a bad Scrabble hand!

Ahem!

What’s the most effective way to kill myself: gun, pills & alcohol, or hanging?

Well, Trash Humpers certainly came close enough.

Is it a good idea to grab someone sexy and tell them “HEY! GIVE ME EVERYTHING TONIGHT!”

Goddammit, who gave Pitbull an internet connection?! Somebody get the tranq gun!

how many cocks have you sucked?

In total, or currently? Because, currently… okay, gentlemen, please take a number so I can get a full count!

Is it truly worth it to die for a family member or friend? Yes, you’d be a hero, but that person would feel guilty for your death for the rest of their lives. Is that “brave” act actually cowardly bec

… You can tell that this is a DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION, because it gets cut off halfway through. What, did the internet’s pretension blocker finally have enough of your crap?

Also, please tell me the Pretension Blocker is a real thing.

I think I actually own that hat.

My straight friend just willingly purchased a Prius. How long does it take before he starts trying to fuck dudes?

Oh. Casual homophobia. Charming.

SHOOT ME IN THE FACE! FACEY FACEY FACE FACE FACE! AT THE SOUND OF THE BELL IT WILL BE FACESHOOTING O’CLOCK! BONGGGGG! KNOCK KNOCK WHO’S THERE SHOOT ME IN THE FACE! END OF JOKE! CMON SHOOT MY FACE!!!!

Can we put these last two guys together? I would PAY to see that buddy comedy.

How would you improve your memory? A lot of people have problem with rememebering but it’s pretty easy to improve your memory. All you have to do is practice this technique that allows you to memorize

Spoiler Alert: The technique involves doing the kinds of drugs that other drugs do to get freaky.

my dick is 7″ inches, fact.

Dude, if you feel the need to say that, trust me, your dick is so small, you probably make pinpricks when erected. When you get hard, you could use your cock to darn pants. What I am saying is that your wang is secretly a string a dental floss with aspirations of greatness.

[Editor's Note: ... How many of these do you have?]

Way too many.

Bow chicka bow wow.

Dearest Sydney

16 Sep

Dearest Sydney,

Hello. I don’t know you, and I certainly don’t think you know me. So you might be wondering, hey, why am I writing a letter to you? Also, how, seeing as letters are completely obsolete?

Well. First of all, way to be completely offensive to the postal service, Sydney. They have feelings too, you know. And secondly, well, you and me have some issues to settle.

You were in my desk today.

I mean, yeah, okay, not my desk exactly, but- actually, yeah, it is my desk. And, yeah, you being in my desk is also a bit of misnomer, because you weren’t in my desk. Your binder, your phone, and some bizarre ass Slurpee made up of every colour of the shame rainbow was there, but you were nowhere to be found.

But, you know, I’m a reasonable guy. Always use a coaster and all that, so I decided to sit somewhere else.

And then you just… didn’t show up.

I’m… I’m sorry, Sydney, mind running that by me again? You showed up ten minutes early, dumped your crap on… my desk, and then just decided, well, fuck it?! Good enough?! I just- what?!

Okay. Deep breath. I’m sorry, Sydney, I don’t know what came over me.

Anyway, the point is, I used the scissors in your pencil case to carve racial slurs in to your cell phone case. Not because I have anything against any particular race, I just wanted to make sure you could never come out in polite society ever again.

I hope we can be friends anyway, Sydney.

High School Of The Dull: The Haunting Of Molly Hartley Review, Part Three

15 Sep

That’s right, we’re back on the horse! After two days of birthday celebrations, we’re back and ready to continue watching The Haunting Of Molly Hartley!

Wait, The Haunting Of Molly Hartley?! 

WORST. BIRTHDAY PRESENT. EVER.

Let’s just replace the whole summary with nothing but fart noises, we’ll get the same result.

Previously, on This Piece Of Crap: We got to watch a dreadful teen sitcom, all while somebody tried desperately to convince us that it was secretly a horror flick.

(Holy fuck, I just realized, I never numbered part two of these reviews. Um. I’d go fix it, but I’m kind of tempted to leave it up as a vast monument to my incompetence.)

Ahem!

The resident Bad Girl asks Molly to take her to the party, and we cut to her trying to lie past her father to get to it. Which, you know, he totally believes, girls dress up and get all gussied up to go study all the time.

… No, seriously, do they? I don’t actually know.

As Molly and the Bad Girl drive to the party, they exchange back stories. Bad Girl’s adopted father died of lung cancer, Molly got stabbed in the chest by her mom which we already fucking knew, etcetera etcetera, wasting out fucking time, until they finally make it to the Love Interest’s freaking MASSIVE house party. And welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the shadow of the valley of tedium! Shove your head in to the nearest blender and switch it to “reviewer”, and maybe you won’t have to sit on your ass and wonder which of your life choices led to you watching a bunch of socially awkward teenagers HAVING SOCIALLY AWKWARD FUCKING CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THEIR SOCIALLY AWKWARD FUCKING PROBLEMS THAT WOULDN’T EVEN QUALIFY AS FUCKING PROBLEMS TO ANYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING CIVILIZED FUCKING WORLD!

DEAR GOD, I THINK I JUST POPPED A BLOOD VESSEL FROM SHEER RAGE!

SO! After the Love Interest and Molly flirt and dance for a bit, and almost make-out, he gets called away, and his ex tries to start a fight with her. Soooo Molly snaps the bitch’s wrist.

Wonderfully pragmatic solution to a love triangle, I’ll admit.

Molly storms out of the party, and decides to walk home. She makes it to a pay phone to call her dad for a ride, but suddenly- boom! Crazy Mom Jump Scare, who pounces and Molly and tries to save her by killing her. And although she does nothing more to Molly then try to give her a piggy back ride, Molly’s panic attack knocks her straight on her ass and they have to call the cops. Oh, and of course, it was just a hallucination the whole time. Geez, what is it with Molly’s and being batshit crazy? Lovely Molly, and now Haunting Molly? If Molly Ringwald ever tries to stab somebody with a potato peeler, well, lets just say I called it.

The next day, at school, everything is awkward. The ex is understandably pissed, the Love Interest is trying to be supportive, the Bad Girl is apologizing for refusing to give her a ride home last night, the Christian friend is trying to save her… wait, no, only one of those is actually awkward. The Love Interest and The Bad Girl are actually being pretty good friends, and the Christian… well, it’s like a puppy who brings you a dead rat! Not exactly wanted, but very endearing! So, Molly, doesn’t that cheer you up?

“Life is paaaaaaaain.”

Of fucking course.

Once she gets home, Molly decides to… slowly wander through the house for ten minutes to set up the jump scare? And yeah, Crazy Mom pops out again, once again trying to shank Molly to keep her from being evil! But this time, she comes with a helping of backstory. Basically, when Molly was born, she was stillborn, but a woman came out of nowhere and offered them a deal: She’d save Molly for 18 years, but then she gets dibs. You know, that’s actually a really reasonable deal. The Devil is a surprisingly generous negotiator! He’ll probably give you your security deposit back and everything!

“I ALSO OFFER LEASES.”

So, ergo, Crazy Mom has to stab Molly before the terms of the ownership switch over, but Molly just tosses the bitch over the railing, and she falls on her own knife! You know, it’s ironic, she just bought a whole bunch of knife sheaves and railing polish. The dad comes home, and insists that no deals with the devil happened and that Crazy Mom is just crazy which, to be fair, she totally is. But when he tries to take her to a mental institute, she conks him on the head and makes a run for it. Oooh, one murder down and she’s already trying for another!

She makes it the Christian friend’s youth group and begs for protection, so the Christian (sorry, that is literally her only character motivation) takes her to the church for some hot girl on girl baptism! But of course, the Christian is in on the whole “murder Molly to save her from the devil” schtick, and starts drowning her. Soooo Molly slams her head in to the side of the baptismal font and she goes toppling down. Um. Are we so sure that she’s not already controlled by Satan? Because- you know, murdered your mom and a Christian youth in one day isn’t a normal spree for anyone.

Molly runs in to the Love Interest, and he drives her to his house, and meanwhile, the Bad Girl stops by Molly’s house to give her a present! Aww, twue wuv! The Love Interest doesn’t particularly believe that Molly belongs to the Devil, but boobs are on the line, so makes out with her a bit and decides that they should skip town together. I’d say ‘aww’, but to be honest, Molly and the Bad Girl have WAY more chemistry. Also, a good band name.

While the Love Interest runs inside to go fetch some running away supplies, Molly stays in the car to leave a message for her shrink, until Molly hears him call out for her and she goes running. And by that, I mean wandering around very slowly and setting up the next jump scare. And by that, I mean… he got her a cake! And by that, I mean he is SO OBVIOUSLY EVIL YOU MORON I MEAN HIS FACE IS JUST SO BIG ON THE POSTER IT’S SO OBVIOUS.

[Editor's Note: ... Is that really what tipped you off?]

Yeah. Sounds stupid, I know, but it worked!

The Shrink shows up, and it turns out that she’s actually the woman who offered the parents the deal to begin with. And yeah, she and the Love Interest are working for the Devil. And the Shrink says, hey, God’s not going to help you, but you know what God would LOVE? If you stabbed your father in his face!

I don’t think you guys know how religion works.

But yeah, they have the dad here as a hostage, and instead of stabbing him, once the clock chimes “evil”, Molly tries to hack out her own heart. Which… apparently doesn’t work. We cut to the mental asylum, with the father all locked up, and Molly is EEEEEEVIL! And, by that, I mean she’s… mildly bitchy. And at the graduation ceremony, it’s a happy ending! Evil wins, God is dead, and we have a happy pop song playing over the complete victory of the villains!

This movie is very confused.

So! That was The Haunting Of Molly Hartley! How was it?

It was a teen drama about how much life sucks and oh by the way Satan wins.

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU THINK IT FUCKING WAS?!

Vodka Mudshakes Are My New Friend

14 Sep

[Editor's Note: So! How was your birthday?]

Mmm, it was goooood…

[Editor's Note: I- motherfucker, are you still drunk?]

N- no, no, of curse not! I’m- I’m like, pre-drunk. For the next time I get drunk. It’s indusyrious, see?

[Editor's Note: I- I don't even- how do you even GET drunk, you're like a goddamn giant! You're like ninety percent liver!]

See, that’s what I throught, but as it turns out, it’s ionly abiout seventy five. Plus, about seven Banana Flavoured Vodka Mudshakes would get anybody drunk.

[Editor's Note: ... Do I even want to know what those are?]

Think of it like a milkshake who hass made some serious mistakes in his life, add in a dash of Russian communism for thee vodka, sprinkle in some childhood regrets, then pour all of that out and go get a Vodka Mudshake.

[Editor's Note: Okay, that's it, gimme the keys.]

Keys? Keys to what, I still can’t drive!

[Editor's Note: I know, it just seems like the kind of thing somebody should say. I'm sure you could still do some damage if you palmed somebody's car keys, though. Like... I dunno, steal all of the cup holders?]

… Well, gee, thanks for spoilering your Christmas gift. Try to act surprised when Christmas comes and all of suden you don’t have anywhere to put your drinks, okasy?

 

NOOOOOOOOOOO

13 Sep

Oh man, I was just getting in to some of the old music from my youth. They were so great!

[Editor's Note: Did you know that 'Rockstar' song was done by Nickelback?]

No.

[Editor's Note: Yep.]

No.

[Editor's Note: Yep.]

NO.

[Also, it was my birthday today, which is why you get stuck with this filler post! I'm 17 now, what's up with that!]

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