Welcome back to the Equestria Girls reviews, or as it’s otherwise know, “I Have To Live With My Goddamned Life Choices!”.
Can I scream too?
Previously, on My Little Pony, Equestria Girls: The night before Twilight Sparkle (ugh) gets crowned as the prettiest princess pony wizard or… whatever, a thief by the name of “I AM NOT GOING TO USE HER NAME BECAUSE FUCK YOU” nabs the magic crown and hops in to a big portal in to another dimension. In this dimension, Twilight Sparkle gets turned in to a teenage girl, and Alduin the World Eater gets turned into a dog. Admittedly, a nightmarishly discoloured dog, but a dog nonetheless.
After Twilight Sparkle finishes screaming, she starts panicking over her new and completely bizarre body. I know how you feel, I hate it when I wake up in the body of a teenage girl. (… What?) But after she gets over her shock, she gallops off to go search the nearby castle, because you know, all suburbia has a castle now!
After seeing someone an actual normal human, though, she realizes she has to walk on two limbs now, and… err, now that I’m seeing her standing up, I can definitely say that that skirt is way too short. It’s barely a quarter down her fucking thighs! She walks too fast, she’s going to be showing this whole dimension her “magic crown”, so to speak!
Cue some “antics” as Twilight Sparkle struggles to figure out how to move in this body, until she figures out how to get the door open, and lets herself in to the “castle”… except that it turns out to be a high school.
OH GOD NO.
THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY HELL.
RUN, YOU FOOLS.
Twilight Sparkle bounces around the crowd of high school students for a while, each of whom has a completely different skin tone on all the colours of the rainbow, and all dressed in a complete different fashion as if they had to pick their outfits via blind man (Seriously, it’s like somebody nuked a Hot Topic and all the outfits mutated), and then… a musical number happens!
Which, lets be honest, does happen at high school.
Think of it as What’s This and Strange New World, run through a filter of… well, My Little Pony! (Hell, it goes so far that the chorus is just “Strange new world” over and over again.) It’s all about Twilight Sparkle examining this new world, and it’s… pretty bland, but inoffensive, it gets some necessary confusion out of the way, and fortunately for everyone, Twilight Sparkle can actually sing! Oh, thank god, can you imagine if they gave that Pink Abomination a musical number?
Please tell me they won’t give that Pink Abomination a musical number.
Twilight Sparkle manages to find the Thief yelling at the human version of… the buttery one, I guess. (Seriously, I cannot remember what her name was, she barely had a single line of dialogue before this scene.) Anyway, Twilight Sparkle interrupts her and the Thief laughs in her face and just wanders off, presumably trying to look as cool as possible and failing miserably. Seriously, bad dye job and a leather jacket does not a badass make.
YES I KNOW IT’S HER ORIGINAL PONY HAIR COLOUR BUT I’M GOING TO CALL IT A DYE JOB ANYWAY BECAUSE FUCK YOU THAT’S WHY.
Butter explains that the Thief is the school badass (ugh), and even establishes that she kept that unbareable fucking name in this universe too. Which, I’d normally object to, but seeing as this version of Butter is also named… whatever the pony one was named, I’m pretty sure names are just a universal constant. Like my annoyance, or all these fucking pastel colours.
Twlight Sparkle has no idea how there an be two different Butters in two different universes, but that’s okay, because she ends up distracted up Alduin. Oh god, Butter has the same impossibly short skirt as Twilight Sparkle! For fuck’s sake, I’ve seen subtler costume designs in a goddamn porno!
ANYWAY. Butter goes on about how she found the crown before the Thief dove through the portal to get it back, and gave it to… Principle Celestia and Vice Principle Luna?
How much absinthe do we have left?
[Editor's Note: About three bottles.]
NOT NEARLY ENOUGH.
Twilight Sparkle heads to the principle’s office and finds the big shimmery pony from the Shiny Pony Royal Family, and… Principle Celestia (ugh) tells her that the magical crown will go to whoever is elected princess of the school dance. Sooooo… you’re telling me that the forward momentum that will be driving this freaking movie is, “Who will be elected prom queen?”. Who will be elected motherfucking PROM QUEEN?!
Not really sure what I expected, actually.
We cut to the cafeteria, with Twilight Sparkle asking the Buttery one for help running for prom queen, which is so shocking that Butter drops her wet food all over Twilight Sparkle! And, before you can make any “she got her wet” jokes, the Buttery one immediately tops that by grabbing a stack of paper towels and rubbing Twilight Sparkle’s chest and crotch as vigorously as possible and getting her face just so- so- SO CLOSE TO HER THAT SHE CAN PRACTICALLY TASTE HER-
Oops! Sorry, I think somebody replaced my script with Butterface/Twilight Sparkle fan fic again.
Seriously, Deviant Art, the fuck?!
After Butter cools down and goes to change her panties, she explains to Twilight Sparkle that nobody in this school dares fuck with the Thief, because of reasons we just have to guess at, and Twilight Sparkle will have to convince every stereotypical social group in the school to vote for her if she wants to win. Either that, or I guess she’d just have to assassinate the Thief in her sleep, but I guess the ruler of a pony monarchy wouldn’t have any experience with tha- oh, what am I saying, she probably orders attacks on the Rebel Alliance in her sleep.
To get started with Operation: Every High School Movie Ever, Twilight Sparkle heads to the prom planning committee, and meets… oh god.
THE PINK ABOMINATION IS HERE.
*high pitched scream heard only by dogs*
Anyway, the Pink Abomination says that, although the prom is the day after tomorrow (why is the prom theme a Roland Emmerich film, anyhow?), sure, Twilight Sparkle can sign up! Because in this universe, I’m betting the Pink Abomination is on so much cocaine just to get through the day, it gives Snowflame a boner.
… Seriously?! Who the fuck decided to make a Snowflame Pony?!
Also, not only does the Pink Abomination have an unreasonably tiny skirt, but so does Brokeback Pony, when her inevitable human counterpart saunter in! Do pants just not exist in this universe?!
Anyway, Brokeback warns Twilight Sparkle against competing against the Thief, as she’s apparently the queen of backstabbing, with the only one half as good at backstabbing being Rainbow Goth. Oh, yes, she’s somewhere here too, and she’s apparently Rainbow Jock in this universe. Well, I don’t really care who backstabs who, as long as someone puts a knife into that Pink Abomination.
After Twilight Sparkle dashes off to find the Rainbow, the Thief barges in and starts dictating the necessary amount of balloons and streams for this prom they’re setting up. Jesus christ, nice to see you, Party Gestapo. But the wind is taken out of her sails when it turns out that Twilight Sparkle is running for prom too, and she stomps off to go find and/or murder and/or seduce her. Really, I’d believe any of them.
She corners Twilight Sparkle in a dark hallway, and the two begin arguing about the Thief’s evil plan. Of course, she tells Twilight Sparkle absolutely nothing about, just taunts her about the fact that she doesn’t know. Good god, you can cut the sexual tension between these two with a knife.
… Which would explain all this fan art.
With shots suitably fired, the Thief tromps off, and sets her bumbling minions to follow her around. (High school students have minions, right?) Twilight Sparkle bumbles with a vending machine, because SHUT UP, and heads off to the library to research this new world on the school computers. And of course, there’s some commentary about the internet and people making fun of your work online, because it’s not as if anybody would ever do that to Equestria Girls, right?
The minions videotape her bumbling antics for a bit, until it’s time to go home, but with no place to go, Twilight Sparkle and Alduin go to bed on a big pile of books. They find a yearbook, depicting Brokeback, the Pink Abomination, Rainbow Face, that one who I don’t think has shown up yet, and the Buttery one as all being friends. But they made it pretty clear that most of them hate each other, which is to be expected. After all, I hate everyone I go to school with!
(Except that one very pretty girl, who should clearly talk to me oh god I’m so lonely.)
The next morning, Twilight Sparkle gets ready to start campaigning for prom queen, which I think makes this the first time a prom has held the fate of the entire world in it’s hands. Go figure. Anyway, the students start snickering the second they see her walking down the hallway, but before she can ask why, she’s pulled in to a side room by that one pony who never really said or did anything, Rarity, and Rarity begins touching her all over.
I mean- not like that! I just mean she’s measuring Twilight Sparkle, it’s not- it’s not like she’s groping her! … Well, yeah, she is, but- actually, I really have to wonder, what’s with all the sexual tension? Do the ponies just sit around and fuck all day? Because if so, I might have to start watching.
Just when you thought it was safe to maintain an erection- bam! Rarity porn!
Rarity disguises Twilight Sparkle, and gets ready to disguise Alduin, when the rest of the Sexual Tension Team comes in, and let her in on the bad news: The Thief created an anti-Twilight Sparkle YouTube video, which means the odds of her getting elected now are slightly less than the odds of my running out of MLP porn to force you to see.
(And, of course, Rarity is also wearing the standard issue mini-skirt. I’m really surprised the animator could do all this work, seeing as he was apparently drawing with his fucking erection.)
The Pink Abomination, god help us all, has a plan to fix this major PR screw-up, but it becomes clear that everybody else in the group hates her with a seething passion. Ah, so I finally have a reason to relate with them all!
They devolve in to a bickering match, with everybody screaming and yammering at each other, until Twilight Sparkle gives the PG version of “Shut The Fuck Up And Get Your Cocks Out Of Your Ears, I’m Dropping Some Truth Bombs Up In This Bitch”. She points out how they all used to be friends once, and it becomes clear that the Thief was leading a massive campaign, with deliberate lies, falsehoods, and fake email accounts, just to drive this one group of friends apart.
Wow. Who knew evil was so… petty.
They head off to go make peace with Rainbow Jock, which inevitably devolves in to a hugfest with Brokeback, and no, I’m NOT going to make any more sex jokes at that!
I like my sex jokes to be like my sex life: Really freaking confusing.
In light of the newly joined Team of Sexual Frustration, Rainbow Jock says she’ll vote for Twilight Sparkle… if she beats her in a game of soccer. And, unfortunately for both her and Brokeback, it turns out she sucks at handling her balls.
(See? Told you.)
But, despite her bonecrushing defeat, Rainbow Jock says she’ll help out anyway, because she just wanted to see how badly Twilight Sparkle wanted to be prom queen! “Soooo… what, if I hadn’t accepted the game, you would have let a trans-dimensional emotional assassin solidify her grip on the school and destroy both here and her home dimension?”
“… I guess so.”
“Wow, apparently friendship is not only magic, it’s also a fucking asshole.”
At the trans-dimensional equivalent of Starbucks, Twilight Sparkle bumps in to the same guy she bumped in to at that first musical number, and after blushing so furiously I’m surprised we don’t get some lens flare, Rarity informs her that the guy with the blue spiky hair is the Thief’s ex-boyfriend. So, what, did the Thief come to this dimension to take over the world, or to boink a human?
Spoiler Alert: It’s actually so she can boink this car.
After Twilight Sparkle is done fantasising about Sonic the Hedgehogs taller brother, Rarity comes up with a plan to get more votes: Put a horse tail up our asses as a show of solidarity!
An original plan, to be sure.
Later, at the cafeteria, with their horse tails firmly in place, and with bright blue school sweaters on, they begin musical number two! You know, for a self proclaimed “musical”, there is a distinct lack of it here so far! These aren’t musical numbers, they’re musical fractions!
Anyway, they dance around, sing, proclaim the virtue of the good lord Twilight Sparkle, rub their butts together, get… far too touchy feely than is generally acceptable in public, and sing about “the magic of friendship”. Hmm, when have I heard that before?
It’s really a marvel of a musical number, with a combination of pretty good singing (even with the Pink Abomination, strangely enough), and music and lyrics so… sterilized that it makes my fucking skin crawl at the same time I’m humming along!
The Thief is infuriated by this display of musical abomination, because she’s clearly me in disguise, and later, she heads to Vice Principle Luna (ugh) to tell her that Twilight Sparkle completely destroyed the dance, and she knows it because she has proof!
“… Miss, this is clearly just your phone number scrawled on a piece of driftwood.”
“Yes, and if you want to examine it for more ‘proof’, you should call it after work some time. Don’t worry, the ‘proof’ will wear something nice.”
Oh, thank GOD, there is no Luna/Thief fan art.
Well, actually, the proof are some photos of Twilight Sparkle wrecking the prom, and Luna calls Twilight Sparkle to her office to tell her she’s S.O.L. This lasts for… oh, about five seconds, before Sonic walks in and tells her that the photos are ‘shopped. Nice work, you almost held the tension for a full second.
So, the damage to the prom is extensive enough that the prom has to be held tomorrow instead of tonight, which sets Twilight Sparkle in to a tizzy. See, remember when I said the portal between worlds was powered by plot? It’s time based, which means if she doesn’t get back in time before it closes, she’s stuck here for “30 moons”. (Which, seeing as there’s about 12 lunar cycles a year, would mean she’s stuck here for 2 and a half years.)
(… Yes, I did the math.)
(… Shut up.)
Anyway, this is such a problem that Twilight Sparkle completely ignores Sonic’s invitation to go to the prom together, and instead hides in a changing room at the local dress store where… I guess everyone is hanging out there now! Anyway, Alduin convinces her to go to the rest of the group and tell her where she’s really from, which the Pink Abomination has already guessed, because… um…
Everyone is rather incredulous about this whole “other dimensional pony” thing, as well as the fact that Alduin can talk, but talking dragon dogs are kind of a clinching fact in an argument, so they all decide to team up and fix the party in time to get Twilight Sparkle home! How, might you ask? With a musical montage, of course!
You all still have your cyanide from last time, right?
… Can you share?
Anyway, in the face of such toe tapping torment, the rest of the school helps out, if only to speed this along, and as Brokeback goes to grab to Twilight Sparkle’s shoulder at the end, she gives an expression that I can only truly describe as “bedroom eyes”, but that really doesn’t convey the filthyness of the expression. Seriously, could you at least wait until after the dance before humping her brains out?
The principles walk in, applaud how little they contributed, and send everyone home to get ready for the big night. Which means, yes, you know it… it’s time for a makeover montage!
Oh, I’m sorry, I have an itch in the back of my throat I have to scratch with my GUN.
Their party outfits: Because goddammit, I know ONE of you wanted them.
At the party, Sonic and Twilight Sparkle meet up, and they blush about as much is physically possible, and… n- no, of course I don’t think they’re cute! Shut up! Shut up all the way! I don’t have any emotions! Beep boop I’m a robot.
Anyway, the Thief is nowhere to be seen, and Twilight Sparkle wins the crown, but in the commotion, the Thief’s minions steal Alduin. They chase them over to the portal, which is on the statue in the front lawn, and the Thief is waiting there with a sledgehammer. “Here’s the deal, Sparkle-britches, give me the crown and I’ll let you go back to the Land Of Way Too Many Pastel Colours, or keep it, and I’ll break your way home forever.”
“Hah! I’ll never give you the crown, for if I do, there’s no telling what you’ll do to the people of this dimension!”
“Oh, and when I’m done with the statue, I’ll beat you and your friends to death.”
“… Can I have five minutes to think about it?”
Twilight Sparkle decides that the Land Of Pastel Colours can survive without her and the crown, but giving ultimate power to a bitch with a sledge hammer is probably not going to be too healthy for this dimension. So the Thief admits it was a bluff, shrugs, and just tries to beat the crap out of Twilight Sparkle and steal it anyway. Gotta love her pragmatic management style!
While the two are struggling their sexual tension away, Alduin manages to grab the crown and run for it, with everyone else following right behind. Cue an elaborate game of keep-away, until the Thief manages to finally get her hands on it. Oh, I’m sure it’s not going to be THAT bad-
Are you hiring?
The newly satanic Thief uses her unholy powers to turn her two minions in to demons as well, then begins screwing around with the high school students. Because, really, if I was forced to attend high school, I’d start torturing everybody else too.
She uses her powers to turn the whole school in to zombies, before telling our heroes that she wasn’t actually going to destroy the portal. No, why take over this crummy high school, when she could take over THE LAND OF THE SHINY PONIES!
(Okay, she phrases it differently, but still.)
Our heroes tell the Thief that they’ll stop her with the power of friendship, but when you’re dealing with the Dark Lady Beelzebub, that really isn’t a threat, so she just nukes the group at point blank range.
Is the movie over now?
Because it looks pretty over now.
Unfortunately for those who are fans of flaming dead teenage girls, they’re not dead. See, when you’re using a magic crown based on the power of friendship, you can’t really be surprised when he refuses to kill the power of friendship! No, instead, it just gives the group a Sailor Moon-esque transformation sequence as they turn in to the embodiments of friendship, and give a speech about how friendship is magic, and on a related note, I’m out of absinthe!
But unlike real life, where the magic of friendship is just metaphorical, in this world, it creates a massive laser that vaporizes the Thief, her minions, and frees the students. Oh, and when I say “vaporize”, I don’t mean that she just disappeared, I mean it created a fucking crater. Jesus christ, who knew that friendship was actually a code word for “artillery fire”?
The Thief is still alive, but massively scarred, and weeping as she explains that the reason she turned evil was that she “doesn’t know the first thing about friendship”. Um, actually, I thought the reason you turned evil was that you wanted more power than Celestia could grant you. Isn’t that what they explained at the beginning? You were a star student at Pony Wizard School, until you craved more power?
You’re lying about all this, aren’t you?
I mean, you have the embodiments of “friendship” standing over you, holding a magical laser gun to your head, and telling you to ship up, of course you’re going to lie and say that you see the error of your ways! Oh, I just bet, the second Twilight Sparkle goes home, you’re going to break that portal to keep anyone else from coming in, and learn how to harness “friendship” for your own ends. Like, maybe make friends with huge dicks so you can use your new powers to vaporize everyone else who bothers fucking with you?
… I like the way you think!
“This isn’t the kind of ‘friendship’ I was talking about, but… strangely, I’m okay with it…”
The whole school is surprisingly okay with all this, even the Satanic powers, the artillery friendship, the fact that now six of their classmates have fucking wings, and instead just spend the night partying! But fortunately, Twilight Sparkle still makes it back in time before she’s trapped in high school for 2 and a half years. Ah, yes, the ultimate hell.
She makes it home, all of her friends demand to know what happened in the other world, but all she can think about is how that pony version of Phoebus is this universes version of Sonic, that Pink Abomination takes some time to remind me why I hate her aaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re done!
So! That was My Little Pony: Equestria Girls! How was it?
Why the fuck did I review that?!
I mean, it wasn’t “bad”, per se, the writing got a chuckle out of me here and there, Twilight Sparkle made for a great straight man and was awfully cute, the animation was fine, the musical numbers weren’t… too bad, the character designs on the human versions of the main characters were pretty great, and actually way better than the pony versions! It was just… too happy.
[Editor's Note: ... Wait, is that a legitimate complaint?]
IT IS NOW.
Okay, one more picture of porn.
I spoil you, I say, down right spoil you!