Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Four

30 Oct

[high pitched, keening wail heard only by dogs]

HALLOWEEN IS TOMORROW! LET’S GET SPOOKY ALL UP IN THIS BITCH! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO INTERNET CAMPFIRE TALES!

internet_campfire_tales

 

Previously, on BEN Drowned: Our protagonist, who is apparently named Jadusable, was stalked through Majora’s Mask by a big Link RealDoll. Turning the game off is never considered once.

Ahem!

“The screen faded in and I was standing on top of Clock Tower with Skull Kid hovering over me again, silent. I looked up and the moon was back, looming just meters above my head, but the Skull Kid just stared at me hauntingly with that fucking mask.”

Ah yes, the Fucking Mask. THE MOST POWERFUL MASK IN MAJORA’S MASK! THE POWER OF DICKS WILL BE YOUR UNDOING!

One second, be right back.

skully

*whistles innocently*

“A new song was playing – the Stone Tower Temple theme played in reverse.”

“Hello, Hylians. Congratulations. You have just discovered the secret dungeon. Please send your answer to Old Sheik, care of the Deku Tree, Chalfont-“

“In some sort of desperate attempt, I equipped my bow and fired off a shot at the Skull Kid – and it actually hit him and he played an animation of him reeling back.”

Just aim for the head, Link!

[Editor's Note: Are you talking about his real head, or the giant penises' head?]

Either or.

“I fired again and on the third arrow, a text box appeared saying “That won’t do you any good. Hee, hee.” and I was picked up off the ground, levitated upwards on my back, and then Link screamed as he burst into flames, instantly killing him.”

I- I- wait, what?! Did Skull Kid just spend an hour playing peek-a-boo, then say fuck it, and just straight up goddamn immolated him?!

… Skull Kid is hardcore.

“I jumped when this happened – I had never seen this move used by ANYONE in the game and Skull Kid himself didn’t HAVE any moves.”

I choose to assume he means dance moves. In which case, there’s only one thing that could stop him now… THE NINJA STYLE DANCER!

“As the death screen played, my lifeless body still burning, the Skull Kid laughed and the screen faded to black, only to have me reappear in the same place. I decided to charge him, but the same thing happened, Link’s body was lifted off the ground by some unknown force and he immediately burst into flames again killing him.”

Man, the Human Torch has gotten weird.

“This time during the death screen the faint sounds of the reverse Song of Healing could be heard.”

“Turn me on, Linkman, turn me on, Linkman, turn me on, Linkman, turn me on, Linkman…”

“On my third (and final try), I noticed that there was no music playing this time, that all there was was eerie silence.”

Oh, thank god, I’m running out of backward lyrics jokes.

“I remembered that in the original encounter with the Skull Kid you were supposed to use the Ocarina to either travel back in time or summon the giants.”

Wait, what?! Is that a thing that happens?! … WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

“I attempted to play the Song of Time but before I could hit the last note Links body once again horrifically exploded into flames and he died.”

Yeah, the same thing happens any time try to play a musical instrument.

“As the death screen neared its end, it began to chug, as if the cartridge was trying to process a lot of something….”

Is… is that a four dot ellipsis OH YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD TO ME-

“When the screen came to, it was the same scene as the first three times, except this time Link was lying on the ground dead in a position I had never seen in the game before, his head tilted towards the camera, with the Skull Kid floating above him.”

‘Don’t look up his skirt don’t look up his skirt don’t look up his skirt- oh god is he wearing a thong.’

“I couldn’t move, I couldn’t press any buttons, all I could do is just stare at Link’s dead body. After around thirty seconds of this, the game simply fades out with the message “You’ve met with a terrible fate, haven’t you?” before kicking you out to the title screen.”

Oh, so you finally don’t have to put up with the scary bit any more! This is where you turn the game off, right?

“Upon getting back to the title screen and starting again, I noticed my save file was no longer there. Instead of “Link”, it was replaced with “YOUR TURN”. “YOUR TURN” had 3 hearts, 0 masks, and no items.”

Gee, yeah, that’s weird, but… turn the game off now. It’s obviously haunted. T- turn it off.

“I selected “YOUR TURN” and immedia-

WHAT?! WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU POSSIBLY DO THAT?! I- I don’t even know- YOU ARE BAD AT EVERYTHING! YOU ARE A BUTT MADE OUT OF SEVERAL SMALLER, SMELLIER BUTTS! 

“I selected “YOUR TURN” and immediately when I did I was returned to the Clock Tower Rooftop scene of my Link dead and the Skull Kid hovering over, with the Skull Kid’s laughing looping again and again.”

OH GEE! IT’S ALMOST AS THOUGH YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TURNED THE FUCKING GAME ON! 

Seriously, anyone who’s looking to write a gaming Creepypasta, write this on monitor in permanent marker so you don’t forget: If “not turning off the game” is a major part of the plot, do not emphasize the terror. Like this; If Judge Judy or whatever the fuck his name is is so terrified, why the hell would he keep playing?! So, if you’re trying this yourself, emphasize the curiosity and wonder of exploring something that, to them, is a once and a lifetime game glitch, with the fear being a subtle undertone. And when you do it like that, you make sure to leave the horror in to sudden burst of terror, because if they’re quick enough, the player wouldn’t be able to turn her game off!

Also, um, don’t actually write on your monitor.

Pictured: My monitor.

Pictured: My monitor.

“I quickly hit the reset button and when the game booted up again there was one more save file added, below “YOUR TURN”, entitled “BEN”. “BEN”‘s save file is right back where it was before I deleted it, at the Stone Tower Temple with the moon almost crashing.”

I feel a disturbance in the force… as though a million werewolves howled out at once… and were suddenly silenced.

“I turned the game off at that point, I’m not superstitious but this is WAY too fucked up even for me.”

Oh- oh- that’s what’s too fucked up for you?! Oh, okay, so you get haunted by a living statue wearing your face, every single person in the world vanishes, and an eldritch abomination stapled to the face of a living god burns you to death over and over again, and that’s all fine… but effective data recovery is what freaks you the fuck out.

“I haven’t played it at all today, hell, I didn’t even get any sleep last night, I kept hearing the reverse Song of Healing music in my head and just remembering the sense of dread I felt exploring Clock Town. I drove back to the old man’s house today to ask him some questions with a buddy of mine (no way I was going there alone), only to find that there’s a For Sale sign in the front yard and when I rang the door no one was home.”

Aww, darn, I really thought those two crazy kids could make it work.

“So now I’m back here writing down the rest of my thoughts and recording what happened, sorry if some of this has grammatical errors and whatnot, I’m running on no sleep here.”

Oh! Right, before I forget, there actually is a video of Day Four! It’s a nice addition, lets us see exactly what’s going on, even if it does raise the question of how he could possibly be recording the footage on a Nintendo 64 with absolutely no forethought.

“I’m terrified of this game, even more so now that I relived it a second time writing this all down, but I feel like there’s still more to it than meets the eye, and that there’s something calling to me to investigate this further.”

Yep, it’s definitely more than meets the eye. BEN is secretly a Decepticon.

“I think “BEN” is something in this equation, but I don’t know what, and if I could get a hold of the old man then I would be able to find some answers.”

Oh, REALLY. You think BEN has something to do with. Oh gee. You must be a fraggin’ genius.

” I need another day or so to recuperate before tackling this game again, its already taken a toll on my sanity I feel like, but next time I do this I’m going to be recording my footage all the way through. “

Worst Let’s Play ever.

“I’m going to stay in this thread for a little while longer before I fall asleep to answer any questions you guys might have or hopefully listen to your ideas or theories to help me shed some light into this or maybe things I should try to do, I think I’m going to play BEN’s file tomorrow to see what happens, maybe I was supposed to do that all along.”

Now, the biggest question is… where is the proper time to throw in a “B- B- B- BENny And The Drowned” reference?

“I don’t believe in paranormal shit, but this is a little fucked up, but maybe this BEN guy is just a really good hacker/programmer, I don’t want to think about the alternatives if he isn’t.”

Ooooor- and look, here’s a better idea, stop me if you’ve heard it before- Stop playing the haunted fucking game!

“That’s the end of the copy/paste, I’m hoping that maybe this is some kind of running gag the developers had and that other people have gotten “gag” or “hacked” copies of the game like this.”

Eh, certainly sounds like something Valve would do.

“This just really scares me.”

Well, as long as it’s scaring somebody.

Anyway, we’re finally finished part one! Which means we have… seven thousand words left?!

… All I’m saying, if this doesn’t start getting actually scary fast, this entire review may just turn in to drawing dicks on to things that don’t normally have dicks.

Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Three

29 Oct

Oh, hi! I didn’t see you come in! Mostly because this is a text format, and you’re not actually here! But even if you’re not here, you can still pull up chair and dig in to Internet Campfire Tales!

internet_campfire_tales

Previously, on BEN DrownedThe world of Majora’s Mask is degrading in to a glitchy hell, and everyone keeps calling him “BEN”! Can our protagonist possibly escape?! Without… you know, just turning the game off?

Ahem!

“The only way I can describe the way I felt here is having this feeling of inexplicable depression on a profound scale.”

Yeah, welcome to the world of video reviewing.

“I am normally not a depressed person, but the way I felt here was a feeling that I didn’t even knew existed – it was such a twisted, powerful presence that seemed to wash over me.”

And of course, turning the game off never even occurs to him.

“I appeared in some kind of weird twilight-zone version of Clock Town. I walked out of the Clock Tower (as you normally do when you start from Day 1) only to find that all of the inhabitants were gone. Usually with the 4th Day glitch you can still find the guards and the dog that runs around outside the tower – this time they were all gone.”

Wait, wait, no no, take it back a bit- “Twilight Zone” version? What the fuck does that meanDid you exit the Clock Tower and walk straight in to Rod Serling, eating entire buckets of cigarettes?

“What replaced them was the ominous feeling that there was something out there, in the same area as me and that it was watching me. I had four hearts to my name and the Hero’s Bow, but at this point I wasn’t even considered for my avatar, I felt that I personally was in some kind of danger.”

… YOU ARE NOT A SMART PERSON. 

“Perhaps the most chilling thing was the music – it was the Song of Healing, ripped straight from the game itself, but played in reverse.”

‘Link is a dead man, miss him, miss him…’

“The music would get louder, building up so as if you should expect something to pop out at you, but nothing ever did, and the constant loop began to wear on my mental state.”

So fucking mute it. I swear, protagonists in these gaming Creepypastas are a special brand of stupid. A very special brand. A very special soup brand. Like, bargain bin, no name, past it’s expiration date, wouldn’t prop up a table with it brand. If somebody made me this soup, I would pour it all over their head and ask them to call me Campbell.

[Editor's Note: ... That metaphor got away from you, huh.]

I don’t think it did.

Pictured: THIS VIDEO GAME. Maybe. Is it me?

“Every now and then I would hear the faint laugh of the Happy Mask Salesman in the background, just quiet enough so that I wasn’t sure if I just hearing things but just loud enough to keep me determined to find him.”

Yeah, okay, I’ll buy that, the Happy Mask Salesman is fucking terrifying.

“I looked in all four zones of Clock Town, only to find nothing…. No one. Textures were missing, West Clock Town had me walking on air, the entire area felt… broken. Hopelessly broken.”

Man, “Hopelessly Broken” is the worst porn star, I have no idea how he’s still getting work.

“As the reverse Song of Healing repeated for what must have been the 50th time, I just remember standing in the middle of South Clock Town realizing that I had never felt so alone in a video game before.”

‘DING DING DING’

‘… Right. Fuck. Tatl is still here.’

‘DING DING DING’

‘Y- yeah, sure, I love you too, dear.’

“As I walked through the ghost town, I don’t know whether it was the combination of the out of place textures and the atmosphere and the haunting melody of the once peaceful and soothing song being butchered and distorted, but I was literally on the verge of tears and I had no idea why.”

‘…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘DING DING DING’

‘GODDAMMIT TATL YOU ARE NOT HELPING.’

… Goddammit, internet, is there anything you won’t draw sexy fan art of? Also, if she doesn’t actually have genitals, do I have to censor this?

“I hardly ever cry, something had gripped me here and this powerful sense of depression that was both foreign and crippling.”

What a coincidence! That’s how I react whenever play a Zelda game too!

“I tried leaving Clock Town, but every time I attempted to zone out, the screen would fade to black and I would just zone in to another part of Clock Town. I tried playing my Ocarina, I wanted to escape, and I did NOT want to be here, but every time I played the Song of Time or Song of Soaring it would only say “Your notes echo far, but nothing happens”. By this point, it was obvious the game didn’t want me to leave, but I had no idea why it was keeping me here.”

For the surprise party, obviously.

“I didn’t want to go inside the buildings, I felt that I would be too vulnerable there to whatever I was terrified of. I don’t know why, but I came up with the idea that maybe if I drowned myself at the Laundry Pool I could spawn somewhere else and leave this place.”

Well, I’m sure the fact that this story is called BEN Drowned has absolutely no relevance to that fact at all.

“As I zoned in and ran towards the pool, that’s when it happened.”

Gasp, was it something completely impossible, like this story dramatically shortening itself so I have less to cover?!

No?

Well, a man can hope.

“Link grabbed his head, and the screen flashed for a brief moment of the Happy Mask Salesman smiling at me – not Link – me with Skull Kid’s scream playing in the background and when the screen returned I was staring at the Link Statue from playing the song Elegy of Emptiness.”

Pssh, what the hell is that? Eh, probably not that scary-

J- J- J- JESUS WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKITY FUCK?!

“I screamed as the thing just stared back at me with that haunting facial expression.”

THAT IS A FUCKING UNDER-REACTION.

“I turned around and ran out and back into South Clock Town, and to my horror the fucking statue followed me in the only way I can compare this is like the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who.”

Gasp! SCP 173, what are you doing here?!

(See, that’s a much cooler reference.)

(Oh, and also, BURN IT! BURN IT IN CLEANSING FIRE!)

Well. That helps a little.

“Every so often, at random intervals, the animation would play of the statue appearing behind me. It was like the thing was chasing me, or – I don’t even want to fucking say it – haunting me.”

… Um. Don’t you have a sword in this game? Oh, Mr. Wise And Brilliant Narrator, couldn’t you… I dunno, stab it?

“By this point, I was on the verge of hysterics, but not even once did the thought of turning off the console occur to me, I don’t know why, I was so wrapped up in it – the terror felt all so real. I tried to shake the statue, but it would literally appear right behind me every single time.”

Nice cover, but no, I’m still sticking with the “dumber than a sack of wet hammers” explanation.

“Link started to begin to make weird animations I had never even seen him do before, he would flail his arms around or spasm randomly and the screen would cut to the Happy Mask Salesman smiling again for a brief moment before I was face to face with that fucking statue again.”

But on the bright side, the Happy Mask Salesman isn’t nearly as bad at that statue, right?

… I HAVE RUN OUT OF URINE AND AM NOW PISSING BLOOD OUT OF MY BODY’S BIOLOGICAL URGE TO KEEP URINATING FROM SHEER TERROR.

” I ended up running into the Swordmaster’s Dojo and ran to the back, I don’t know why, but in my panic I just wanted some kind of assurance that I’m not alone here. To my dismay I found no one, but as I turned to leave the statue cornered me in the cubby in the back. I tried attacking the statue with my sword but to no avail.”

Freakin’ took you long enough! Oh well, I guess that’s all you could do. Not as if there are any other ways to attack people in Majora’s Mask, right?

Why do I feel like you’re all laughing at me?

“Confused, and backed into a corner, I just stared at the statue waiting for it to kill me. Suddenly, the screen flashed again to the Happy Mask Salesman and Link turned to face my screen, standing upright mirroring the statue, looking at me along with his copy.”

And then they burst in to a top tapping rendition of I Think I’m A Clone Now, right?

“Literally staring at me. Whatever was left of the 4th wall was completely shattered while I ran out of the dojo terrified. Suddenly the game warped me to an underground tunnel and the reverse Song of Healing queued up again as I was given a brief moment of rest before the statue started appearing behind me again… this time aggressively – I could only take a few steps before it would summon behind me again.”

Soooo what happens if Link gets caught? Does he die? Get smacked? Gets his data deleted? Is forced to put on real pants? Seriously, why should we be afraid of this guy?

“I hurriedly made my way out of the tunnel and appeared in Southern Clock Town. As I ran aimlessly – in a sheer panic – suddenly a redead screamed and the screen faded to black as “Dawn of a New Day” and “|||||||||” appeared again.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake, it’s looping?! That’s why this thing is so long, it’s like if Lovecraft and M.C. Escher had some kind of gay lovechild!

[Editor's Note: Is that physically possible?]

Oh my yes. I’ve made diagrams.

[Editor's Note: ... Wha-]

THERE’S A CHART.

Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part Two

28 Oct

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, and our special, multipart look of BEN Drowned to cap off this Halloween season!

[Editor's Note: Wait, is that really why you're doing this whole thing?]

Shhhhh, don’t look a gift retcon in the mouth.

internet_campfire_tales

PREVIOUSLY, on BEN Drowned: … Holy hell, we’re over 1000 words in, and our protagonist hasn’t even bought his cursed game yet? Jesus cocks, this thing is wordy.

Ahem!

“The old man smiled at me and told me that I could have it for free, that it used to belong to a kid who was about my age that didn’t live here anymore.”

‘Did… did he die?’

‘Oh, fuck no, I kicked his ass out.’

“There was something weird about how the man phrased that, but I didn’t really pay any attention to then, I was too caught up in not only finding this game but getting it for free.”

I love how in Creepypastas, whenever something really weird starts happening, their response is to pay less attention to them, not more. ‘Oh, what’s that? You sound like you’re giving me some dead kid’s copy of Majora’s Mask WELL FUCK THAT PEEPS I GOTS ME SOME ZELDA TO PLAY.’

“I reminded myself to be a bit skeptical since this looked like a pretty shady cartridge and there’s no guarantee it would work, but then the optimist inside me interjected that maybe it was some kind of beta version or pirated version of the game and that was all I needed to be back on cloud nine.”

… Ahem.

The defense rests, your honor.

“I thanked the man and the man smiled at me and wished me well, saying “Goodbye then!” – at least that’s what it sounded like to me. All the way in the car-ride home, I had a nagging doubt that the man had said something else.”

He said, ‘Please don’t turn this in to the lazy, uninspired set-up for a thousand gaming Creepypastas the world over’. No, seriously, it’s like a fucking epidemic. I’ll give one hundred bucks, no questions, to the woman who can come up with a new way to get haunted video games.

“My fears were confirmed when I booted up the game (to my surprise it worked just fine) and there was one save file named simply “BEN”. “Goodbye Ben”, he was saying “Goodbye Ben”. I felt bad for the man, obviously a grandparent and obviously going senile, and I – for some reason or another – reminded him of his grandson “Ben”.”

And yes, for all those wondering, I checked. Gamecube information was saved on the game cartridges, not any kind of memory card. … B- by which I mean I knew that immediately! I have an encyclopedic knowledge of all Nintendo consoles, o- of course!

“Out of curiosity I looked at the save file. Eyeballing it, I could tell that he was pretty far in the game – he had almost all of the masks and 3/4 remains of the bosses. I noticed that he had used an owl statue to save his game, he was on Day 3 and by the Stone Tower Temple with hardly an hour left before the moon would crash.”

Yeeeeeah, I have only the vaguest notion of how Majora’s Mask works, so this is not going to be the most in depth review.

“I remember thinking that it was a shame that he had come so close to beating the game but he never finished it. I made a new file named “Link” out of tradition and started the game, ready to relive my childhood.”

Pssh, what kind of LOSER relives his childhood?

*camera pans to vast collection of Kim Possible paraphernalia.*

… Say nothing.

“For such a shady looking game cartridge, I was impressed at how smoothly it ran – literally just like a retail copy of the game save for a few minor hiccups here and there (like textures being where they shouldn’t be, random flashes of cutscenes at odd intervals, but nothing too bad). However the only thing that was a little unnerving was that at times the NPCs would call me “Link” and at other times they would call me “BEN”.”

You know, maybe it’s my experience with Creepypastas, but the SECOND a game of mine started glitching, I would IMMEDIATELY light it on fire and purge the dark spirits.

… I have gone through a lot of copies of Fallout: New Vegas.

“I figured it was just a bug – a fluke in the programming causing our files to get mixed up or something. It did kind of creep me out though after a while, and it was around after I had beaten the Woodfall Temple that I regrettably went into the save files and deleted “BEN” (I had intended to preserve the file just out of respect of the game’s original owner, it’s not like I needed two files anyway), hoping that that would solve the problem.”

‘And now they all call me “The Artist Formally Known As BEN”.’

“It did and it didn’t, now NPCs wouldn’t call me anything, where my name should be in the dialogue there was just a blank space (my save file name was still called “Link”, though). Frustrated, and with homework to do, I put the game down for a day.”

‘Homework’ is actually just his word for ‘masturbation’. And so is ‘BEN’, incidentally, which makes this whole story really awkward.

“I started playing the game again last night, getting the Lens of Truth and working my way towards completing the Snowhead Temple. Now, some of you more hardcore Majora’s Mask players know about the “4th Day” glitch – for those who don’t you can Google it but the jist of it is that right as the clock is about to hit 00:00:00 on the final day, you talk to the astronomer and look through the telescope. If you time it right the countdown disappears and you essentially have another day to finish whatever you were doing.”

… I’ll take your word for it, chief.

“Deciding to do the glitch to try and finish the Snowhead Temple, I happened to get it right on the first try and the time counter at the bottom disappeared.”

Today is a very clippy day, huh.

“However, when I pressed B to exit the telescope, instead of being greeted by the astronomer I found myself in the Majora boss fight room at the end of the game (the trippy boxed in arena) staring at Skull Kid hovering above me.”

‘Starring… right up his skirt oh god why does it look like that.’

“There was no sound, just him floating in the air above me, and the background music which was regular for the area (but still creepy). Immediately my palms began to sweat – this was definitely not normal.”

‘Seriously, why does it look like that?! Is… is it purple?! The fuck?!’

“Skull Kid NEVER appeared here. I tried moving around the area, and no matter where I went, Skull Kid would always be facing me, looking at me, not saying anything.”

Gotta hate it when the S.O. is givin’ you the old silent treatment. Maybe you need to get Skull Kid some flowers, ask about his feelings?

“Nothing would happen though, and this kept up for around sixty seconds. I thought the game had bugged or something – but I was beginning to doubt that very much.”

Wait, you didn’t think it was a bug any more? Why? Did your mind just immediately jump to, “Welp, guess it’s the devil.”?

“I was about to reach for the reset button when text appeared on my screen: “You’re not sure why, but you apparently had a reservation…” I instantly recognized that text – you get that message when you get the Room Key from Anju at the Stock Pot Inn, but why was it playing here? I refused to entertain the notion that it was almost as if the game was trying to communicate with me.”

Soooo you don’t think it’s a bug, but you immediately discount the idea that it could be communicating? You have a very strange idea of “plausible”, sir or ma’am.

“I started navigate the room again, testing to see if that was some sort of trigger that enabled me to interact with something here, then I realized how stupid I was – to even think that someone could reprogram the game like this was absurd.”

Well, I’m certainly not going to disagree with the “how stupid you are” part!

“Sure enough, fifteen seconds later another message appeared on the screen, and again like the first one it was already a pre-existing phrase “Go to the lair of the temple’s boss? Yes/No”.”

That is the WORST metaphor for sex.

“I paused for a second, contemplating what I should press and how the game would react, when I realized that I couldn’t select no.”

Wait, you “couldn’t”? You never even tried! Or did you just figure it’s a social faux pas? 

“Taking a deep breath, I pressed Yes and the screen faded to white, with the words “Dawn of a New Day” with the subtext “||||||||” beneath it.”

Oh, fuck, you pissed off Missingno.!

“Where I was ported to filled me with the most intense sense of dread and impending fear I had ever experienced.”

… Wisconsin?

Well, I guess that was BEN Drowned! And you know, I don’t really see why- oh, what’s that? That’s STILL not the end?

How fucking long IS this?!

ELEVEN THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY SEVEN WORDS?!

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

Well, I guess I can look forward to finally finishing this around, oh, next Halloween.

Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review, Part One

27 Oct

Yeah, we’re doing this one. It’s one of the most popular Creepypastas ever made, about one of the most popular video games ever made, I’m an internet reviewer, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses.

HIT IT.

internet_campfire_tales

So yeah, welcome to Internet Campfire Tales! And… yeah, BEN Drowned is kind of a big one, to the point that even before I knew what a Creepypasta was, I had heard of it. And we’re going to be taking this one in parts, because JESUS FUCK ME IN THE EAR this one is wordy.

Ahem!

“Post #1 (Sept. 7, 2010) Okay, /x/, I need your help with this. This is not copypasta, this is a long read, but I feel like my safety or well-being could very well depend on this. This is video game related, specifically Majora’s Mask, and this is the creepiest shit that has ever happened to me in my entire life.”

Now this is a story about how my life got flipped, turned upside down…

Having said that, I recently moved into my dorm room starting as a Sophomore in college and a friend of mine gave me his old Nintendo 64 to play.”

‘But he also gave me a copy of Superman 64 so me and that stoma-sucking ass-raptor are no longer on speaking terms.’

“I was stoked, to say the least, I could finally play all of those old games of my youth that I hadn’t touched in at least a decade.”

… You’ve never heard of an emulator, huh.

“His Nintendo 64 came with one yellow controller and a rather shoddy copy of Super Smash Brothers, and while beggars can’t be choosers, needless to say it didn’t take long until I became bored of beating up LVL 9 CPUs.”

So I decided to romance them instead, and lemme tell you, nobody gives good oral like a liquored-up Zelda. Or possibly Sheik, I forget.

“That weekend I decided to drive around a few neighborhoods about twenty minutes or so off campus, hitting up the local garage sales, hoping to score on some good deals from ignorant parents).”

… WHERE DID THAT MISSING PARENTHESES COME FROM.

I HAVE TO KNOW.

“I ended up picking up a copy of Pokemon Stadium, Goldeneye (fuck yeah), F-Zero, and two other controllers for two dollars. Satisfied, I began to drive out of the neighborhood when one last house caught my attention. I still have no idea why it did, there were no cars there and only one table was set up with random junk on it, but something sort of drew me there.”

Maybe it was because of the simple, home-spun charm, maybe it was the delightful, schoolboy twinkle in the shopkeeper’s eyes, or maybe it was the entire washing machine full of used butt plugs…

Ladies.

“I usually trust my gut on these things so I got out of the car and I was greeted by an old man.”

Bootman Bill in twenty years.

“His outward appearance was, for lack of a better word, displeasing. It was odd, if you asked me to tell you why I thought he was displeasing, I couldn’t really pinpoint anything – there was just something about him that put me on edge, I can’t explain it.”

Looks like they somehow managed to perfectly encapsulated my love-life.

“All I can tell you is that if it wasn’t in the middle of the afternoon and there were other people within shouting distance, I would not have even thought of approaching this man.”

Yep, throw in some recoiling in fear, mace, and stammered apologies, and you might as well have my love life summarized to a T.

“He flashed a crooked smiled at me and asked what I was looking for, and immediately I noticed that he must be blind in one of his eyes; his right eye had that “glazed over” look about it.”

Mmm… glazed… man, can we stop for donuts after this Creepypasta? I’m suddenly in the mood for some Tim Horton’s eyeballs.

“I forced myself to look to his left eye instead, trying not to offend, and asked him if he had any old video games.”

Oh, so in other words, he looked away with his bad eye, and he looked at you straight on with his good eye and he told you that he doesn’t know nothin’ about it?

Good god, nobody gets my references. NONE OF YOU ARE HIP TO MY UNIQUE COMIC STYLINGS.

“I was already wondering how I could politely excuse myself from the situation when he would tell me he had no idea what a video game was, but to my surprise he said he had a few ones in an old box. He assured me he’d be back in a “jiffy” and turned to head back into the garage. As I watched him hobble away, I couldn’t help but notice what he was selling on his table.”

‘And I totally didn’t check out his ass or anything! … Nice.’

“Littered across his table were rather… peculiar paintings; various artworks that looked like ink blots that a psychiatrist might show you.”

Yes, after Watchmen, Rorschach retired to a life of art and Zelda games!

“Curious, I looked through them – it was obvious why no one was visiting this guy’s garage sale, these weren’t exactly aesthetically pleasing.”

Um. Considering that a Rorschach test is supposed to be an analysis of one’s own psychological profile, finding them to be unpleasant to look at is… unintentionally revealing.

“As I came to the last one, for some reason it looked almost like Majora’s Mask – the same heart-shaped body with little spikes protruding outward. Initially I just thought that since I was secretly hoping to find that game at these garage sales, some Freudian bullshit was projecting itself into the ink blots, but given the events that happened afterward I’m not so sure now. I should have asked the man about it. I wish I would have asked the man about it.”

‘Because then I would have had an excuse to look deep into those dark blue eyes, and fall in to his muscled yet gentle arms and I MEAN HE’S UGLY AND STUPID AND I HATED HIM UM OF COURSE I’M TOTALLY NOT HIDING A CRUSH OR ANYTHING.’

“After staring at the Majora-shaped blot, I looked up and the old man was suddenly there again, arms-length in front of me, smiling at me. I’ll admit I jumped out of reflex and I laughed nervously as he handed me a Nintendo 64 cartridge.”

‘… And his phone number.’

“It was the standard grey color, except that someone had written Majora on it in black permanent marker. I got butterflies in my stomach as I realized what a coincidence this was and asked him how much he wanted for it.”

‘And that’s when he started unbuttoning his pants…’

[And that's where we stop for today! I have a lot of "Sexy Scary Story" jokes left, don't want to use them all in one sitting! Come back tomorrow for part two!]

Fear The Omeglezord!

26 Oct

… G- get it? Like… like, it sounds like a Power Rangers reference? Ev- even though I’ve never watched Power Rangers…

SHUT UP OKAY I’M MATURE AND NOW WE’RE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF OMEGLE.

Ahem!

Do you meow to your cat? Does it respond? How can you not have a cat? Everyone has a cat – asshole!

Insert tired joke about how cats represent the internet.

Favorite porn star?

Trash Humper Number Four!

The man had star power.

Can I be your daddy?

If you wanna be my daddy, first you gotta get with a heart attack and die in Montreal far away from your loved ones until we burn your body and put you in to a jar oh wait oh god this joke got weird fast ABORT QUICK ABORT THE JOKE-

My first girlfriend tried to kill herself in my bathroom. I’m just going to fap for the rest of my life.

… This is the second most awkward first date ever.

“That’s what the wine bottle is for. Fapping, I mean. I keep it in there. Anyway, want a mint?”

Is God real?

Nah, but cheese is!

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

The blood of the innocents have flowed through my hands.

The mountains are ground down to the roots of their shame.

God himself weeps at the sight of my sin.

And it’s still pretty tasty.

why do girls go to clubs and then complain when guys touch them

FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.

WHY DO WE HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU.

THIS SEEMS FAIRLY OBVIOUS.

I MEAN.

COME ON.

Let’s Play Half Life 2: Part Five, “Paint Me Like One Of Your French Combine.”

25 Oct

You know, I wonder what I’m going to play once I’m done with Half Life 2Alien: Isolation, maybe?

Oh, what am I talking about. At the rate this is going, I’ll have Half Life 3 to play by the time I’m done.

The Elephant In The Room

24 Oct

People, you know me.

I don’t shy away from controversial topics. I will look an uncomfortable truth in the eye and consider it in all it’s imperfection.

And I think it’s time that this brave new world admits one of the greatest indignities this world has ever known.

Namely, the fact that they sing “I’ve Got No Strings To Hold Me Down” in the Age Of Ultron trailer is fucking ridiculous.

Oh, no no, Ultron, GO AHEAD! QUOTE ANY OTHER FUCKING DISNEY MOVIES WHILE YOU’RE AT IT! What, is it going to end with him snapping Iron Man’s spine while humming “A Girl Worth Fighting For”?! Not like that’d make it any worse! Or maybe he should have told the Avengers to “Let It Go, Let It Go”! And at the end, Thor throws him into the fucking sun while telling him to wish upon a star!

Who thought that was a good idea?!

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