Let’s Play Half Life 2: Part Four, “Pretty Generous Rounding.”

19 Oct

Apparently YouTube thought this episode was DELICIOUS, because it ate it about half a dozen times! Ah, so goes the glamorous life of Avery Strange.

HYPERVENTILATING WHY NO THANK YOU WE’RE ALL FULL UP HERE

18 Oct

EEEEEEEEEEE.

EEEEEEEEEEE.

EEEEEEEEEEE.

EEEEEEEEEEE.

EEEEEEEEEEE.

WERE YOU AWARE THAT IT IS OUR ONE THOUSANDTH POST IN LESS THAN THREE DAYS.

BECAUSE I AM AWARE THAT IT IS OUR ONE THOUSANDTH POST IN LESS THAN THREE DAYS.

I AM AWARE OF IT CONSTANTLY.

Internet Campfire Tales: Teddy Bear Picnic, A Creepypasta Review

17 Oct

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, the only web series that dug up Vincent Price’s corpse for perfect ambiance! Plus, it makes for a great post-coital conversation piece.

internet_campfire_tales

Oh, look at that! Teddy Bear Picnic? Wouldn’t that be a nifty title for a Creepypasta? Man, this is fo’ shizzle going to be creepy! Let’s roll!

Ahem!

“If you go down to the woods today you’re sure of a big surprise.”

Okay, so we’re starting with a quote from the nursery rhyme! Badly quoted and all that, but it sets the mood! Okay, now what?

“If you go down to the woods today you’d better go in disguise.”

Yep, that’s also the poem.

“For ev’ry bear that ever there was will gather there for certain, because today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic.”

I wonder what we’re leading up to!

“Ev’ry teddy bear who’s been good is sure of a treat today. There’s lots of marvelous things to eat and wonderful games to play.”

… We are leading up to something, right?

“Beneath the trees where nobody sees they’ll hide and seek as long as they please cause that’s the way the teddy bears have their picnic.”

Oh no. Oh no no no no no.

“If you go down to the woods today you’d better not go alone. It’s lovely down in the woods today but safer to stay at home.”

This… this is just the rhyme, isn’t it! There’s… there’s nothing else here, is there?! Fucking is there?!

“For ev’ry bear that ever there was will gather there for certain, because today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic.”

I’m getting punk’d, right? This isn’t actually happening, right? You guys have stuck, like, spy cams in my underwear just to film me freaking out at this right?! Right?! PLEASE TELL ME I’M RIGHT!

“Picnic time for teddy bears the little teddy bears are having a lovely time today watch them, catch them unawares and see them picnic on their holiday.”

… DUMB! THIS IS DUMB!

“See them gaily gad about they love to play and shout; they never have any care; at six o’clock their mummies and daddies, will take them home to bed, because they’re tired little teddy bears.”

That’s… that’s it?! You had nothing else here?! You went to Creepypasta with the express purpose of writing a story, and you fucking came out with the fucking Teddy Bear Picnic! MY GOD! That’s failing in entirely new directions that scientists have barely even conceived of! That’s like if you tried to play catch AND INSTEAD YOU CAUGHT SYPHILIS! 

SEE YOU NEXT TIME, I GUESS!

INCOMPETENCE UPDATE

16 Oct

[Editor's Note: So, Avery, whatcha doing?]

Um. Nothing! Nothing at all!

[Editor's Note: Didn't you say you got a drawing tablet a while back? Did you ever draw anything with that?]

YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT REMEMBERING THINGS.

[Editor's Note: Gimme! I wanna see!]

No! I’m still getting used to the new medium! It’s not ready yet!

[Editor's Note: Lemme see or I'm going to force you to re-watch Ken Park.]

Gah!

DRAFTS

[Editor's Note: ... ]

S- shut up.

[Editor's Note: That's... that's just... wooooow,]

Shut up! Shut all of the ups! All of them!

[Editor's Note: Pssh, I don't know what you're talking about! It's a totally fine Isaac Clarke, assuming you don't... you know, look at it, or anything.]

I can TASTE HATE. I shouldn’t be able to TASTE HATE.

[Editor's Note: ... You made it purple just to match the site, didn't you.]

BRAND RECOGNITION IS IMPORTANT!

Internet Campfire Tales: The Russian Sleep Experiment, A Creepypasta Review

16 Oct

Oooh, we’re tackling one of the BIG ONES today! Welcome to Internet Campfire Tales, and bring along a sleeping bag, because we’re tackling The Russian Sleep Experiment!

internet_campfire_tales… Man, I need to make a new logo for this thing. Anyway! The Russian Sleep Experiment is one of the big classics, as far as Creepypastas go, but the question remains, is it any good? Let’s find out!

Ahem!

“Russian researchers in the late 1940s kept five people awake for fifteen days using an experimental gas based stimulant.”

“They were kept in a sealed environment to carefully monitor their oxygen intake so the gas didn’t kill them, since it was toxic in high concentrations.”

Eh, still not the worst hotel I’ve stayed in.

“This was before closed circuit cameras so they had only microphones and 5 inch thick glass porthole sized windows into the chamber to monitor them. The chamber was stocked with books, cots to sleep on but no bedding, running water and toilet, and enough dried food to last all five for over a month.”

And yet, no juice boxes. THOSE INHUMAN MONSTERS.

“The test subjects were political prisoners deemed enemies of the state during World War II.”

The animators in charge of that “Daffy Duck Becomes A Nazi” were strongly reprimanded.

“Everything was fine for the first five days; the subjects hardly complained having been promised (falsely) that they would be freed if they submitted to the test and did not sleep for 30 days.”

Instead, at the end of the 30 days, they were… fed to SCP 682? WAIT NO I’M GETTING MY INTERNET SCARY STORIES MIXED UP ACK SMOKEBOMB.

“Their conversations and activities were monitored and it was noted that they continued to talk about increasingly traumatic incidents in their past, and the general tone of their conversations took on a darker aspect after the 4 day mark.”

I’m pretty sure if you threw me into that room, I’d start talking about Trash Humpers by Day 2, and be strangled to death by Day 3.

“After five days they started to complain about the circumstances and events that lead them to where they were and started to demonstrate severe paranoia.”

They started demonstrating Paranoia? Score, I love Brad Jones!

“They stopped talking to each other and began alternately whispering to the microphones and one way mirrored portholes. Oddly they all seemed to think they could win the trust of the experimenters by turning over their comrades, the other subjects in captivity with them. “

‘And then they tried to seduce the microphone, and things just got… awkward.’

‘Simon, please get off the microphone.’

“At first the researchers suspected this was an effect of the gas itself…”

‘Wait. Fuck. I forget, did we even turn the gas on?’

“After nine days the first of them started screaming. He ran the length of the chamber repeatedly yelling at the top of his lungs for 3 hours straight, he continued attempting to scream but was only able to produce occasional squeaks.”

I’ve heard people who work with Michael Bay do the same thing.

“The researchers postulated that he had physically torn his vocal cords. The most surprising thing about this behavior is how the other captives reacted to it… or rather didn’t react to it. They continued whispering to the microphones until the second of the captives started to scream.”

‘AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH GODDAMMIT I JUST STUBBED MY TOE AGAIN.”

“The 2 non-screaming captives took the books apart, smeared page after page with their own feces and pasted them calmly over the glass portholes. The screaming promptly stopped.”

Oh, okay, this isn’t a sleep experiment! It’s Salo, 120 Days Of Snoozles.

“So did the whispering to the microphones.”

That’s when they started free-style rapping!

“After 3 more days passed. The researchers checked the microphones hourly to make sure they were working, since they thought it impossible that no sound could be coming with 5 people inside.”

‘Oi! No passing notes in class- er, illegal government experiment!’

“The oxygen consumption in the chamber indicated that all 5 must still be alive. In fact it was the amount of oxygen 5 people would consume at a very heavy level of strenuous exercise.”

The masturbation in that room was legendary.

“On the morning of the 14th day the researchers did something they said they would not do to get a reaction from the captives, they used the intercom inside the chamber, hoping to provoke any response from the captives they were afraid were either dead or vegetables.”

Yep. They all turned in to radishes. Tragic.

Pictured: Pure terror.

“They announced: “We are opening the chamber to test the microphones; step away from the door and lie flat on the floor or you will be shot. Compliance will earn one of you your immediate freedom.””

And the losers will receive A NEW CAR!

“To their surprise they heard a single phrase in a calm voice response: “We no longer want to be freed.””

‘But if you could toss us some extra toilet paper, that would be super nifty. We ran out a while ago.’

“Debate broke out among the researchers and the military forces funding the research. Unable to provoke any more response using the intercom it was finally decided to open the chamber at midnight on the fifteenth day.”

Unbeknownst to them, inside that chamber was just a set-up to the best Rick Roll of all time.

“The chamber was flushed of the stimulant gas and filled with fresh air and immediately voices from the microphones began to object. 3 different voices began begging, as if pleading for the life of loved ones to turn the gas back on. The chamber was opened and soldiers sent in to retrieve the test subjects.”

They were carrying big butterfly nets to do it. Russian budget cuts, and all that.

“They began to scream louder than ever, and so did the soldiers when they saw what was inside. Four of the five subjects were still alive, although no one could rightly call the state that any of them in ‘life.'”

‘Me personally, I call it ‘schmife’.”

“The food rations past day 5 had not been so much as touched. There were chunks of meat from the dead test subject’s thighs and chest stuffed into the drain in the center of the chamber, blocking the drain and allowing 4 inches of water to accumulate on the floor.”

If the plot twist involves mermaids using the water to escape, I’m quitting this now.

“Precisely how much of the water on the floor was actually blood was never determined. All four ‘surviving’ test subjects also had large portions of muscle and skin torn away from their bodies. The destruction of flesh and exposed bone on their finger tips indicated that the wounds were inflicted by hand, not with teeth as the researchers initially thought. Closer examination of the position and angles of the wounds indicated that most if not all of them were self-inflicted.”

‘W- we only left you guys in there for five minutes!’

‘We get bored easily.’

“The abdominal organs below the ribcage of all four test subjects had been removed. While the heart, lungs and diaphragm remained in place, the skin and most of the muscles attached to the ribs had been ripped off, exposing the lungs through the ribcage.”

Well, everyone needs a hobby, I guess.

“All the blood vessels and organs remained intact, they had just been taken out and laid on the floor, fanning out around the eviscerated but still living bodies of the subjects. The digestive tract of all four could be seen to be working, digesting food. It quickly became apparent that what they were digesting was their own flesh that they had ripped off and eaten over the course of days.”

It was actually surprisingly delicious! Gordon Ramsey gave it five stars!

“I AM THE FIREWALKER, YOU FUKKIN’ DONKEY.”

“Most of the soldiers were Russian special operatives at the facility, but still many refused to return to the chamber to remove the test subjects. They continued to scream to be left in the chamber and alternately begged and demanded that the gas be turned back on, lest they fall asleep..”

I swear to god, if this turns out to be one long Freddy Kruger reference, I’m going to- actually, that’d be pretty cool. Carry on!

“To everyone’s surprise the test subjects put up a fierce fight in the process of being removed from the chamber. One of the Russian soldiers died from having his throat ripped out, another was gravely injured by having his testicles ripped off and an artery in his leg severed by one of the subject’s teeth. Another 5 of the soldiers lost their lives if you count ones that committed suicide in the weeks following the incident.”

Are… are you seriously trying to tell me that a squad of highly trainer Russian special operatives couldn’t restrain four half dead, malnourished whack-jobs?

Wow. What pansies.

“In the struggle one of the four living subjects had his spleen ruptured and he bled out almost immediately. The medical researchers attempted to sedate him but this proved impossible. He was injected with more than ten times the human dose of a morphine derivative and still fought like a cornered animal, breaking the ribs and arm of one doctor.”

JUST STOP GETTING WITHIN ARM’S REACH OF SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE, GUYS. THIS ISN’T THAT HARD.

“When heart was seen to beat for a full two minutes after he had bled out to the point there was more air in his vascular system than blood. Even after it stopped he continued to scream and flail for another 3 minutes, struggling to attack anyone in reach and just repeating the word “MORE” over and over, weaker and weaker, until he finally fell silent.”

Oh, PLEASE, that happens to everyone who hasn’t slept in a while… right? Guys?

“The surviving three test subjects were heavily restrained and moved to a medical facility, the two with intact vocal cords continuously begging for the gas demanding to be kept awake…”

Pictured: THE TERRIFYING ORIGIN STORY OF REDBULL.

“The most injured of the three was taken to the only surgical operating room that the facility had. In the process of preparing the subject to have his organs placed back within his body it was found that he was effectively immune to the sedative they had given him to prepare him for the surgery.”

‘Well, then this next bit is going to suck for you, huh? Nurse, fetch my medical chainsaw!’

TRUST ME I’M A MEDICALTRICIAN.

“He fought furiously against his restraints when the anesthetic gas was brought out to put him under. He managed to tear most of the way through a 4 inch wide leather strap on one wrist, even through the weight of a 200 pound soldier holding that wrist as well. It took only a little more anesthetic than normal to put him under, and the instant his eyelids fluttered and closed, his heart stopped.”

‘… Well. Fuck. T- that wasn’t our fault, right?’

“In the autopsy of the test subject that died on the operating table it was found that his blood had triple the normal level of oxygen. His muscles that were still attached to his skeleton were badly torn and he had broken 9 bones in his struggle to not be subdued. Most of them were from the force his own muscles had exerted on them.”

‘Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself…’

“The second survivor had been the first of the group of five to start screaming. His vocal cords destroyed he was unable to beg or object to surgery, and he only reacted by shaking his head violently in disapproval when the anesthetic gas was brought near him.”

Weirdest game of Charades ever.

“He shook his head yes when someone suggested, reluctantly, they try the surgery without anesthetic, and did not react for the entire 6 hour procedure of replacing his abdominal organs and attempting to cover them with what remained of his skin.”

‘All my years of playing Operation are finally going to pay off!’

‘Huh? Didn’t you go to medical school?’

‘Oh, yeah, that too.’

“The surgeon presiding stated repeatedly that it should be medically possible for the patient to still be alive. One terrified nurse assisting the surgery stated that she had seen the patients mouth curl into a smile several times, whenever his eyes met hers.”

It’s not because he’s enjoying the surgery, he’s just remembering a Garfield he read while he was hallucinating.

“When the surgery ended the subject looked at the surgeon and began to wheeze loudly, attempting to talk while struggling. Assuming this must be something of drastic importance the surgeon had a pen and pad fetched so the patient could write his message. It was simple. “Keep cutting.””

… Okay, that’s fucking creepy, but on the bright side, it’s not the weirdest time somebody has passed me that note! (That was a weird date.)

“The other two test subjects were given the same surgery, both without anesthetic as well. Although they had to be injected with a paralytic for the duration of the operation. The surgeon found it impossible to perform the operation while the patients laughed continuously.”

What a coincidence, people say the same thing about my sex life!

“Once paralyzed the subjects could only follow the attending researchers with their eyes. The paralytic cleared their system in an abnormally short period of time and they were soon trying to escape their bonds. The moment they could speak they were again asking for the stimulant gas. The researchers tried asking why they had injured themselves, why they had ripped out their own guts and why they wanted to be given the gas again.”

‘Dude, it tastes EXACTLY like tropical punch. Seriously, you’d want it too.’

“Only one response was given: “I must remain awake.””

Wow, that’s just like me as I’m writing this OH GOD I AM SO TIRED AND WRITING ABOUT SLEEP IT’S SO META.

… At least he has a nice set of pearly whites?

“All three subject’s restraints were reinforced and they were placed back into the chamber awaiting determination as to what should be done with them. The researchers, facing the wrath of their military ‘benefactors’ for having failed the stated goals of their project considered euthanizing the surviving subjects. The commanding officer, an ex-KGB instead saw potential, and wanted to see what would happen if they were put back on the gas.”

Said commanding officer will henceforth be known as Commander Dumbass! Here, spoiler alert, Dumbass: NOTHING POSITIVE!

“The researchers strongly objected, but were overruled. In preparation for being sealed in the chamber again the subjects were connected to an EEG monitor and had their restraints padded for long term confinement. To everyone’s surprise all three stopped struggling the moment it was let slip that they were going back on the gas.”

And I have somehow managed to keep myself from making a “gas equals farts” joke this entire time! I think I deserve a medal.

“It was obvious that at this point all three were putting up a great struggle to stay awake. One of subjects that could speak was humming loudly and continuously; the mute subject was straining his legs against the leather bonds with all his might, first left, then right, then left again for something to focus on. The remaining subject was holding his head off his pillow and blinking rapidly.”

Hmm, wait, lemme try that.

NOPE STILL INCREDIBLY TIRED THANKS FOR THE ADVICE THOUGH.

“Having been the first to be wired for EEG most of the researchers were monitoring his brain waves in surprise. They were normal most of the time but sometimes flat lined inexplicably. It looked as if he were repeatedly suffering brain death, before returning to normal.”

Mein gott! His brain is a ZOMBIE! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

“As they focused on paper scrolling out of the brainwave monitor only one nurse saw his eyes slip shut at the same moment his head hit the pillow. His brainwaves immediately changed to that of deep sleep, then flatlined for the last time as his heart simultaneously stopped.”

‘… Okay, that time, it MIGHT have been our fault.’

“The only remaining subject that could speak started screaming to be sealed in now. His brainwaves showed the same flatlines as one who had just died from falling asleep. The commander gave the order to seal the chamber with both subjects inside, as well as 3 researchers.”

Woooow, it’s not often you see somebody try THAT HARD to be a jackass, Commander Dumbass!

“One of the named three immediately drew his gun and shot the commander point blank between the eyes, then turned the gun on the mute subject and blew his brains out as well.”

I love how the whole thing is written to be as “professional documenty” as possible, but nah, “blew his brains out” is fo’ shizzle something a government organization would write, right?

“He pointed his gun at the remaining subject, still restrained to a bed as the remaining members of the medical and research team fled the room. “I won’t be locked in here with these things! Not with you!” he screamed at the man strapped to the table. “WHAT ARE YOU?” he demanded. “I must know!””

‘I’M BATMAN.’

“The subject smiled. “Have you forgotten so easily?” The subject asked. “We are you. We are the madness that lurks within you all, begging to be free at every moment in your deepest animal mind. We are what you hide from in your beds every night. We are what you sedate into silence and paralysis when you go to the nocturnal haven where we cannot tread.””

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!

“The researcher paused. Then aimed at the subject’s heart and fired. The EEG flatlined as the subject weakly choked out, “So… nearly… free…””

‘Okay, that time, DEFINITELY our fault.’

So, that was The Russian Sleep Experiment! How was it? It was really good! … With a catch.

It was well written, with a strong pace and good build up, and it’s imagery and dispassionate narration will really stick with you. But… um, no offense, but creepy dialogue is not this author’s strong point. That whole “we are the madness” schtick is far too specific and lucid to give it the kind of dramatic punch it really needed! Maybe if it was more vague, it would have been more terrifying? And for me, it kind of buggers up the whole scenario. But to be honest, it’s just a small nitpick in a very excellent story! Definitely check it out!

ANYWAY OKAY GOING TO SLEEP NOW BEFORE I BECOME A RUSSIAN SUPER-GHOUL BECAUSE APPARENTLY THAT’S HOW THAT WORKS.

 

I Feel The Pressure To Be Good Enough For Omegle

14 Oct

I swear, I should just set up a fucking Patreon for this crap. “Donate 100 dollars a month, and you can pick the next title for the Omegle Post!”

Anyway. Makin’ fun of Omegle, let’s rock it.

Ahem!

why do white males have to oppress everything that’s different?

Because oppressing everything that’s the same is really boring.

have a sex convo

OH WE’VE GOT A GREAT SEX CONVO ROCKING THROUGH THE NIGHT OH WE’VE GOT A GREAT SEX CONVO AIN’T SHE A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT.

describe the best sex ever

Hmm. Do you know that one episode of Spongebob where he teaches a jellyfish how to dance?

[Editor's Note: ... Is that what sex is like?]

Not even remotely.

It’s wetter.

is it possible to rape a little boy so hard in his butt that he enters a catatonic state and sits and mumbles nonsense all day while his mind frolics in a delusional fantasy world free of pain

Ladies and gentlemen? I present to you a man trying WAY too hard.

Any ladies care to chat with an exotically elegant, excruciatingly enchanting, ferociously fabulous, catastrophically captivating and hellaciously handsome young hunk?

DOUCHINESS HAS REACHED CRITICAL MASS.

SHOOT TO KILL.

Wanna have sex?!

ONLY IF YOU PASS MY TRIAL OF INFINITE LASERS.

And then take me out for dinner.

The World Is A Funny Place

13 Oct

Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me. Okay, so here I am, trying to write another “Internet Campfire Tales”, and I found another Creepypasta that would just be PERFECT for a review…

… So perfect for a review, that Creepypasta took it down when I was half done writing it. It was that bad. GODDAMMIT, CREEPYPASTA, YOU MAY HAVE JUST RUINED THE GREATEST REVIEW EVER WRITTEN.

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