THE HUMAN SEXIPEDE VIDEO REVIEW

29 Jan

*deedly deedly dooo! beatboxin’ a guitar solo!*

IIIIIIIIIT’S THE ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDREDTH POST! Which means that we’ve OFFICIALLY abandoned the idea of ever having an anniversary with a non-stupid title! And that also means welcome to my HUMAN SEXIPEDE REVIEW!

Yes, there’s a Human Centipede porn parody. That is… this is a thing.

I have erred.

There’s Blood On My Bed, But Here In My Head, I’m Feeling Fine: Jack And The Cuckoo-Clock Heart Review, Part Two

28 Jan

Oh. Right, I almost forgot this was a thing. Congratulations, and welcome back to the only movie that understands human anatomy less than me before my first autopsy.

That poster is pretty much MADE out of spoilers, now that I think about it.

Previously, on Cuckoo-Clock Heart: The fourteen year old Jack, and his clockwork heart, is on the hunt for Miss Acacia, the girl he’s fallen in love with. Only problem is, falling in love will actually make his heart explode. Oh, and of course, there’s the school bully, Joe, who also has a thing for Miss Acacia, but he’s a bit less of a problem. Seeing as Jack stabbed him in the eye with his cuckoo-clock. Which I assume is a perfectly normal part of human mating.

Ahem!

Jack runs all the way home, and tells the Midwife oh hi, school was fun, and I may have just killed a man, what’s for dinner? The police are coming up the hill, so while the Midwife gets ready to distract them, they make plans to fake Jack’s death. After Luna, Anna, and the man with the xylophone back, Arthur, sneak him out back, we cut to later. Namely, as Jack has his own musical number about his predicament, while he rides a completely badass steam-punk train. Seriously, it’s like if an accordion and a clock had a baby who decided it identified as a train and it’s parents were very supportive of it’s life choice.

As Jack sings, he… is suddenly confronted with a strange man on the train. Who sings about cutting women open. And confesses that he is Jack the Ripper, and proceeds to chase Jack down the train as he attempts to kill him with a knife.

Only in France can a children’s film randomly feature a world famous serial killer for ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON.

As the train comes to a stop, just before the Ripper manages to nail Jack, an inventor wanders on to the train, sending the Ripper running. Said Inventor is trying to get his new camcorder invention work, and he offers to fix Jack’s clock in exchange for getting to poke around inside it. Yes, Jack, clearly you should let the man who can’t get a camera to work perform unlicensed open heart surgery. Make sure to tell me what a great idea that was while the maggots are making sure not to eat any of your clockwork.

But of course, the Inventor gets his heart up and running, and Jack confides in him about his fears: Namely, that maybe the Midwife is right, and maybe Jack can’t love Miss Acacia without dying, but of course, the Inventor tells him to go for it. Because Jack is evidently convinced that his life is now an RPG, he invites the Inventor to join his party.

(+2 EXP.)

They travel via musical number to an eerie little carnival in the middle of nowhere, and they soon hear over the PA that Miss Acacia is performing soon. They rush to her performance, and watch as she enchants the crowd of… well, about ten people, but she’s still enchanting. So, we’re counting it. In our big book of enchanting. We have one of those.

See, says right here. And it also says you’re… on the naughty list- wait, that’s not right.

While she’s getting applauded after her song, Jack sneaks into her room, and gifts her with… a bouquet of glasses- oh, he’s good. But while she’s happy to see him, he doesn’t quite have the clockballs to tell her that he’s the boy from years ago. So instead, he says he works at the Ghost Train! And thankfully, unlike every single sit-com ever, the Ghost Train is actually hiring, so the “comical misconception” lasts for about ten seconds.

Instead, we jump to the next day, with Jack running the Ghost Train, as Acacia takes a ride. And cue a musical number, filled with animators getting to be as creative as they very well choose. I’m fairly certain at least three of them orgasmed during this musical number alone. Anywho, after the ride is over, nobody is at all frightened, and the lady running the ride is absolutely furious with Jack, but Acacia had a great time, and apparently that’s all that matters.

Acacia and Jack take a walk along the tracks, and- okay, is it weird that these two animated puppets have more chemistry than most real life actors that I see? Either humans are especially lame, or animated cartoons rock. Anyway, he shows off his clockwork heart, but just before they kiss, she admits that her heart already belongs to another: A boy she met when she was little.

Gee. I wonder who it was. I wonder if I can even hazard a guess. Oh well.

She wanders off, and Jack heads back to the Inventor, who has been romancing a pair of conjoined twins this whole time, and tells him that he’s failed. Of course, the Inventor points out that she never actually SAID who the guy was, so Jack sneaks back into her dressing room to ask.

Annnnnnd she once again never says it.

For fuck’s sake.

After the duo go to a movie together, on behalf of the Inventor, they go for a walk outside the carnival, and Jack has somehow become convinced that the boy she fell for was Joe. Because I guess he never read TV Tropes. Anyway, she explains that the boy she loved was him, but she still can’t remember what he looks like. Annnnd even worse, he doesn’t have the balls to say it.

You surreptitious, stoma-sucking, steampunk pansy.

day off

27 Jan

Today is a bit of a… you know,  a thing. If you’ve been reading for a while, then you already know what January 27th is! But don’t worry about it, it’s fine! I’ll be back tomorrow with more “Jack And The Cuckoo-Clock Heart”, and until then, here’s a song from the movie!

We Picked Out A Spot And Made A Hole: Jack And The Cuckoo-Clock Heart Review, Part One

26 Jan

Every once and a while, somebody will ask how I choose which movies to review. And you know what? I actually do have a very simple system. Namely, I pick ones who I can come up with titles for. And come on, Jack And The Cuckoo-Clock Heart?! I know like five different songs I can reference with a title like that!

FUCKING GOLD MINE!

So, does that mean Jack’s heart can tell time?

But even discounting the eye catching title, Cuckoo-Clock Heart has a pretty interesting background. Namely, it was based on a French concept album by the band Dionysos, and a children’s book written by the band’s lead singer. Which would be pretty impressive, if I had… you know, ever heard of “Dionysos”. Maybe the Greek god of cuckoo-clocks getting wasted?

Ahem!

The movie opens with a slow pan over your standard issue twisted industrial age city, a’la The Boxtrolls, Fable 3, or A Machine For Pigs. The entire city is frosting over, in the middle of a devastating winter, until a bird flies into the camera- and suddenly he turned the soundtrack on! Jesus, guys, don’t go from “tinkling cuckoo noises” to “righteous guitar solo”, you just about gave me whiplash.

Soon, the titular Jack starts singing the backstory of his birth, while we watch the events unfold. Namely, his very pregnant mother had to hike up an icy mountain on the coldest day on Earth, because the only midwife in town lives on top of a mountain and who the fuck decided that the only midwife in town should life on top of a mountain.

After she yanks the baby Jack out, she quickly realizes that his heart is cold. No, literally, his heart is literally made out of ice. And he’s still perfectly alive, oddly enough, at least long enough for the Midwife to MacGyver up a solution. Namely, blowtorch a new heart out of a couple clocks and shove it inside of his chest cavity!

… My god. It’s the best mission of Surgeon Simulator ever.

Seriously, fuck this game.

The Midwife gives the little Jack a few rules, because, you know, a new-born baby is great at following rules. Rule one is not to stop the hands on his cuckoo-clock heart, rule two is not to lose his temper, and rule three is to never fall in love, because if he does, his bones will implode, his chest will explode, and his heart will freeze forever holy shit France, this children’s movie has gotten dark in a millisecond.

That night, as Jack and his mother stay the night at the Midwife’s house, the mother… decides to leave and let the Midwife handle raising her son?! I… I don’t- DICK MOVE, LADY! So, what, you abandoned your little clock baby, because… he didn’t use a digital clock?! Seriously, what the fuck?!

Ten years later, it’s Jack’s birthday, and unfortunately the Midwife is too busy to take him down to town. She heads off with her two… daughters (???) Anna and Luna to go see the storks (?!?!), while one of the Midwife’s patients with a xylophone for a back (!!!!!!) gives him a boiled egg for a birthday present (?!?!?!?!?!).

Thankfully, the Midwife finishes up quickly, and they’re soon off to the city! Jack wanders around, ogles pretty ladies clocks, and manages to escape the Midwife long enough to hunt down the sound of a barrel organ. And of course, he also manages to find the pretty girl playing it too. They share a duet together, about how… she hates wearing glasses? Look, it makes more sense the way she sings it. Also, I know these songs were written by grown-ups, but… I’m really having trouble believing a ten-year old would sing “I want to tear your clothes off with my teeth and rip them into confetti”.

… Seriously. 

Jesus fuck, guys.

The two sing and dance, and it’s all very sweet, but just before they finally kiss, Jack’s heart gives out, and he passes out. Just like most guys before their first kiss. The Midwife runs in and manages to get Jack out of there, repairing his heart and dragging him away, admonishing him and the girl the whole time. Man, I hate it whenever get in trouble for almost kissing a cyborg to death.

[Editor’s Note: Does that happen a lot?]

Only at anime conventions.

Pictured: Me. In the back. Making out with cyborgs.

After a quick dream sequence, Jack wakes up the next morning, with the Midwife explaining how… she’s infertile? Wow, French movies are kinda hardcore. Sooooo I guess that means Anna and Luna aren’t her daughters, and speak of the devil, as they both show up and demand to know how Jack’s day on the town went. Oh, and they showed up with a gerbil in a matchbox, and flowers for him! Flowers… that they stole from a graveyard.

… What.

Jack notices that Luna is wearing the same dress as the singing girl, who says that it was her old school uniform, so we cut to him asking the Midwife if he can enroll in school. Whiiiiich he does immediately! Wow, I guess she already had all the legal paperwork ready for “tiny ten year old with a clockwork heart”.

We cut to Jack showing up to school, asking around for his singing sweetheart, and unfortunately, there’s a murderous tyrannical dictator at the school who threatens to murder Jack for merely asking about her. But, you know, he also tells Jack her name, so… he’s  a really helpful murderous psychopath?

Miss Acacia is the name, and she has apparently gone abroad, but Jack decides to stick it out. Years go by, till his fourteenth birthday, of the school yard boys constantly torturing him. Like… literally torturing him. Opening up his heart and winding up his gears until he is physically incapable of moving. But one day, as they head into class, the crazy student, Joe, drops a letter from Miss Acacia, including an address. Jack picks it up, Joe notices him, and the two start to wrestle for it.

Joe starts trying to tear Jack’s heart out with his bare hands, but he ends up leaning to close, and-

Jack’s cuckoo shoots out and STABS THE MOTHERFUCKER STRAIGHT THROUGH THE FUCKING EYE.

I NEVER KNEW FRANCE WAS SO METAL.

Internet Campfire Tales: The ‘I Love You’ Murders, A Creepypasta Review

25 Jan

Aww, a Creepypasta that loves me? Why, I’m sure this is going to be the cutest scary story around!

[Editor’s Note: So, what, did you MISS the part about the murdering?]

Yeah, I figure this should be as close to my real love life as possible.

internet_campfire_tales

… I really should pay somebody to make another Internet Campfire Tales logo- er, I mean, let’s dig in! You know, I think this might actually be the first time we’ve covered a History Creepypasta. Which is weird, because when it’s done right, a History ‘Pasta can be one of the most interesting and fascinating ones there is! I mean, they’re never really scary, but- okay, getting ahead of myself.

Ahem!

“I’m here to talk about a topic I’ve taken interest to lately that never had gotten a lot of media coverage despite how interesting it is.”

We’re barely a sentence in and already the pasta is trying to convince us it’s interesting, that’s… not a good sign.

“The ‘I Love You’ murders. They were a series of five murders. These took place in a large city in Ohio throughout 1962.”

But of course, it was Ohio, so nobody noticed.

“The first in the chain of murders took place on January 20th.”

OH MY GOD THAT IS TODAAAAAAAAAY.

[Editor’s Note: … No it isn’t, today is January 25th.]

… OH MY GOD YOU’RE A HUMORLESS FUCK WHISTLE.

“A woman had been found in an alleyway in the more sketchy part of town. She had been scalped. Not a single strand of her long dark hair had been left behind. It was definitely a very odd M.O.”

Dammit, Elijah Woods! Can you go FIVE MINUTES without scalping anyone?!

“Cause of death was determined to be a stab wound to the back that pierced right through her heart.”

Bon Jovi is prime suspect.

“The only clue left to go on was a note stuffed into her mouth that read “I loved her.” Since there wasn’t anything else to go on, it turned into a cold case.”

Our best men considered reheating the case in the microwave, but upon realization that that would render the justice wet and soggy, they decided to let it go.

“On March 3rd the next body was found. A woman had been beaten to death and was sprawled out across an old set of railroad tracks not too far from downtown.”

We won’t tell you where, but it was just… you know, not too far from downtown. You can guess. We’ve set up a treasure hunt with different murder victims, the winner gets to keep the bodies.

“She had been beaten to death and left very disfigured. She had definitely put up a fight in an attempt to get away. She was missing nails and her head had been slammed against the tracks several times leaving her skull cracked.”

But on the bright side, she’s not in Ohio any more.

“The most disturbing part of this murder is the fact that her crystal blue eyes had been gouged out while she was still alive.”

‘And I know what colour her eyes were, despite them being gouged out, because SMOKEBOMB.’

“There was a note stuffed into her mouth that read “I loved her.” just like the previous murder.”

So, what, was putting it in her pocket too mainstream?

“In mid-July a few teenagers had broken into an abandoned house to drink, but their party had been cut short when they found the body of a woman who had been slaughtered in the back room. Her heart had been literally chiseled from her chest, which was also the cause of death.”

… How could you possibly know what manner of tool removed her heart? Did the killer include it in the note, or… are you saying that she is literally a statue?

“Yet again the now infamous note had been left in the mouth of the victim, but still nothing to go on.”

‘Quick, check all the chisel stores in the city!’

The ultimate in horror?

“Four months later the police were starting to think the killings had finally died down, but their wishful thinking had been put to an immediate halt when the next victim had been found. Two teenagers had broken into an abandoned factory and found the body of a woman who’s face had been carved off.”

This is shaping up to be the weirdest sequel to Face-Off.

“She had also been raped and stabbed several times in the abdomen. She had died from the blood loss. But same as always, nothing but the note left behind.”

Plot Twist: The killer is actually the note.

“The 5th and final murder took place on December 1st. This murder wasn’t like the other’s though. There only things that had been left behind were two green eyes, red hair, a heart, the woman’s face, and that same unsettling note.”

And I’m guessing the cops didn’t pick up on the obvious theme? I mean, come on, guys. The only things left over from the last killing are all the stuff that were missing from the previous murders? He’s obviously putting together some kind of zombie, or possibly a note-golem! Jesus, I haven’t seen such incompetent police work since LA Noire.

I am a dreadful cop.

“In 2007 the killer was finally found but not exactly caught.”

Turns out, we lost him down the couch cushions the whole time.

“The, now old, man had been found dead of natural causes in his home. Months later while his children were clearing out his house in the process to put it on the market they found an old wardrobe with a padlock on it. Thinking it would be filled with nothing more than guns or paperwork, they carelessly cut the lock. The three of his now fully-grown children stood around in awe at what they had found.”

Just… just so many buttplugs…

” A perfectly preserved woman”

Yeah, unless he was a taxidermist, I’m calling bullshit.

“Although it was more like bits and pieces sewn together to make a woman. Taped to the doors on the inside of the wardrobe were pictures that looked to be of their father in his teenage years with a gorgeous woman of about the same age. She had long dark hair and bright blue eyes.. just like the woman in front of them.. –but it didn’t exactly look like the same woman.”

‘My god, she’s made out of chisels.”

“Some features were close but not dead on. At closer examination the words “I Love You” were cut into her lips.”

You could ask why on earth he would do that, but then I would have to break some kneecaps. Anyway, that was The “I Love You” Murders! How was it?

Eh?

The premise is very cliched, there’s no real emotional connection to our narrator, nor any sense of mystery or danger. But it’s… you know, not terribly written? It’s just kinda… you know, bland, and under-described and doesn’t take advantage of it’s plot points and it’s boring and-

Wait, wait, goddammit, I was trying to be nice to this pasta.

Sprang Straight From Zeus’ Forehead

24 Jan

Soooooo guess who just finished Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel? And guess who thought it was totally fucking awesome?! And guess who just made Athena fan art because she is the best ever?!

athena

set the time machine to review

23 Jan

Another day, another video review script! You know, exactly who’s bright idea was it to have a three year anniversary, and the 1100th post within a week of each other?! Dammit, this is what we have time travel FOR, people.

“And before you people start in the comment section, yes, am a dickbag for reviewing this film. I’m also a cock-weasel, an ass-bandit, and a candle-fucker.”

“And yes, do realize how unfair it is to judge an amateur production as though it’s a big budget film. I also realize how every film is an automatic treasure and marvel and the sheer fact that this film was made to begin with is a miracle in it’s own right, and any other fucking platitudes that I need to review this without you people LYNCHING ME. ROLL THE FILM!”

A story, years in the making… of a world, torn apart by a lust for power. A mad despot, driven to bring humanity to it’s knees, using the ultimate magic power at his disposal. And the only people who can possibly oppose him are a collection of pathetic misfits with a dark past, with a bond forged through the fires of battle and loss. I am speaking, of course… of Suburban Knights. But I don’t have a copy of that, so instead, let’s review some cruddy student film that nobody’s heard about.”

“We open to what sounds like somebody forging swords, while our camera pans over a lake. Presumably the fish have a hobby in blacksmithing.”

“… Do you want a cookie?”

“And again: Right on my keys.”

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