Can You Feel Omegle Tonight?

28 Jul

Ladies and gentlemen, I am very proud to unveil… the greatest thing I’ve ever made!

Where the hell is it?!

[Editor's Note: There was a problem with the buckets of fish guts and the strippers needed to dry clean their outfits, so it won't be hear till tomorrow.]

Well, fuck. Erm. Time to make fun of Omegle!

Ahem!

I want to be your sex slave ;)

Annnnnd congrats, my penis is officially an innie.

Quit sucking my dick you meanie! Let me go!

Let me go! Let me go! Don’t suck me off any more! Let me go! Let me go! Turn away and suck my cock! Here I stand, in a truck stop bathroom! Let the pants pull up… oral gratification never bothered me anyway!

Guys need underwear for support. What do girls need panties for?

Wait, guys need underwear? Somewhere, a man in a kilt is crying.

Probably this man.

I’m female please entertain me

Gotcha, so nothing involving Family Guy.

i love you

Great, not only has Omegle gained sentience, it’s trying to boink me.

I think I still like my ex

I still like my X-Men, does that count?

lets have sex here

GODDAMMIT I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS OMEGLE.

(Besides, trying to fuck a computer is not nearly as fun as it looks. I’d assume.)

penis penis

I don’t know about you, but the new presidential slogan just isn’t doing it for me.

my mom is the best mom in the world

Hmm. There’s only one way to find out… LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO MUMDER DOME!

Oh, come on, can’t we just get BEYOND Mumderdome?

*Thunderdome jokes: 2!*

In The Dark Of The Sewer: C.H.U.D. Review, Part Four

27 Jul

I think C.H.U.D. was really just an educational film about the rules of proper sewer maintenance! Lesson one, don’t raise an army of angry unstoppable mutants. Lesson two, don’t feed hobos to your army of angry unstoppable mutants. Lesson three, trying to stop said army of angry unstoppable mutants by pumping explosive gas through the entire city’s sewer system is THE WORST PLAN.

I MEAN.

COME ON.

THERE IS NO POSITIVE OUTCOME HERE.

And somewhere, Mario is weeping at such shoddy plumbing.

Previously, on C.H.U.D: I got tired of typing down the full acronym every time, and meanwhile, StiffNeck McJackass has decided pumping gas through the entire sewer is the best plan to solve the Chud problem. I remain moderately incredulous.

Ahem!

Down in the sewers, George and Banana Man get ambushed by a Chud, who yanks Banana Man in to a pipe and has his way with him. Aww, young love. George runs off, the smartest thing he’s done so far, and we cut to the Reverend, crawling down in to the sewers. And what does he find, but a gang of Chuds, hanging out with their big pile of nuclear waste that… appears to be spinach! My god, run! They yam what they yam!

The Reverend runs away, and we cut to Lauren wandering down in to the sewers for really no good reason, and finding a dead dog hanging from the ceiling. Worst. Piñata. Ever. We cut over to the Captain, taking his men along to investigate a dead body somebody found by the docks. Annnnnnd it turns out to be his wife, and to show why he is such a likeable character, we immediately cut to him at a bar! I like the way you think, sir. I too have crawled inside the bottle after seeing something horrible! God, Trash Humpers alone had me in that thing for a week.

Lauren calls the cops to come check out the dead dog, and then goes for a shower. But because this is a classier horror flick than usual, we don’t actually see her naked, which I’m sure is disappointing at least one of you in the audience. The pipe clogs up, so she reaches for a coat hanger and stabs it in to the train, which… causes a fountain of blood to shoot out over her! Because… I guess there was a tiny Chud in her shower drain?

We cut over to two cops at a diner, making lecherous comments to the lady behind the counter, until the Chuds attack! My god, no! Not the John Goodman impersonator! Back with Lauren, she’s showered off and gotten dressed, and we get to watch her screw around in her apartment for a bit before cutting to a Chud breaking down the door to her basement. Annnnnd there goes the security deposit.

Down in the sewers, George is still running around with a gun, and he finds his way back to Victor, who has apparently gone feral after such a long period of time down here, and George guns him down. But then, the Old Lady knocks him over! And then, the Reverend knocks her over and saves George! And then Megatron knocks him over- wait, no.

… I suddenly desperately want to see Megatron Versus Chuds.

Over at the diner, there’s a media circus after the murders, and the Captain is furious at TightNecked McJackass for letting the Chud situation get this far. So McJackass decides to solve a problem caused by reckless endangerment… with more reckless endangerment! Yes, it’s time for Operation “That’s Not Air You’re Breathing”! Bring your own terrible fucking ideas!

As the Reverend and George try and escape the sewers before everything is locked up, Lauren gets attacked by a Chud and barricades her apartment. Which works surprisingly well! For her, I mean. For the cops who show up to try and help, they lasted about as long as it takes to read this sentence.

The Reverend and George find the nuclear waste, which is just terrible healthy, and realize that they must have been storing this crap down there for years. And on the less crappy side of the equation, they find the equipment left by the survey team and send out the “Captain Moustache Signal” to try and get some help!

Back with Lauren, she turns off all the lights as the Chud breaks down the door, presumably in a vague hope that he’s actually terrified of the dark, and when he finally gets in, she lures him in to the dark room and tosses chemicals in to his face! So she grabs a sword and gets ready to slice the fucker’s head off, but he bursts through the wall behind her and… starts twisting and elongating his neck like a goddamn snake?

But with more neck, that just means more to slice, and Lauren goes all Red Queen on his ass! She runs off and steals a cop car, and we cut to the Captain giving instructions to the Reverend and George. And while they run off to get out, the Captain talks to McJackass and lets him know that he’s on to his little secret. Soooo McJackass pulls a gun. Yeah, good luck, I’m pretty sure the Captain’s moustache could kick your ass, never mind the rest of him.

The Captain nabs the keys to let the Reverend and George out, and while he’s trying to pry the manhole off, McJackass sneaks up behind him and straight up shoots him! Wow, as long as you’re not cartoonishly evil or anything. He hops in to the truck and tries to run the Reverend and George down, but the Reverend shoots him, and that’s the magic code word to blow up the entire truck! And while George and Lauren have their tearful reunion, so does the Captain and the Reverend! Aww, I really think those crazy kids are going to make it!

Soooo what about the Chuds? I mean, great, you killed that jackass, but… but there’s still an evil army of mutants beneath the city. Plus, with a flaming truck currently parked on the sewer, isn’t that going to… you know, ignite the gas you have running beneath the entire city? Oh, wait, the credits are coming, never mind.

So, that was C.H.U.D! How was it? Holy hell, I can see why it’s a cult movie!

I mean, yeah, it’s pretty cheesy, but it’s so fun! The acting is spot on, the writing can really get you invested in these characters, and the effects were awesome! Definitely check this movie out if you’re looking for something fun and cheesy!

Just… just stay away from Bud The Chud. 

Nobody needs to see that movie.

… That is so not a goddamn Chud.

Journey To The Centre Of The… Er, Sewers: C.H.U.D. Review, Part Three

26 Jul

Alright, after such an important break yesterday, we’re finally back to the delightfully cheesy wonderland of C.H.U.D! 

[Editor's Note: What the hell do you mean, "important break", you took a night off to marathon Borderlands 2!]

*blam*

I have spent several hours trying to come up with an alternate acronym and just no. Just… fuck you.

Previously, on C.H.U.D: The homeless populace beneath New York are disappearing one by one, George and his girlfriend Lauren are celebrating her pregnancy, the EPA are trying to cover something up, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses.

Ahem!

Captain Moustache and the Reverend break in to George’s apartment to grab photos of the homeless folks, and find pictures of Victor’s bloody leg. Be careful with that thing, that’s like six different fetishes right there. So the Captain and the Reverend head down to a meeting with the commissioner and somebody from the Nuclear Department of Stiff Upper-Lips. I think he’s just down there to provide the mandatory monocle popping.

They don’t believe a word of this whole “monsters from the sewers eating people” business, until the Reverend threatens to take the pictures they have to the newspapers, and we cut to George and Lauren having a picnic in the park. But suddenly, up walks a man in banana yellow, or as it’s otherwise known, nature’s target practice. He’s an investigative reporter who’s been popping up in the background of the police station, which I did not mention before now in the vague hope that I wouldn’t have to mention this walking lump of starch.

Banana Man tells George about the tail the other day, and we cut back to the meeting. Or, as it’s otherwise known, “Explaining The Plot”. The Nuclear Department (don’t ask me what the actual name is, the guy is so white he’s practically invisible) was going to move nuclear waste through the tunnel systems beneath New York, but somebody found out and put a court order out to stop them. Which means that there’s tons of nuclear waste down there, just sitting there, and being vaguely naughty like all radioactive materials do.

Back with George, Banana Man is using the standard investigative routine of being a colossal asshole until the target tells you things out of pure annoyance, but George is the Alpha Male of being a colossal asshole, and he just hops in a cab and heads off. Presumably while gangster rap plays in the background.

Meanwhile, at the meeting, the Reverend loses his temper at the association of officially registered tight asses who refuse to admit the existence of the monster, and storms out. But when he throws the Nuclear Jackass’s stuff across the room, the Captain finds a document with the name “C.H.U.D” on it. Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller, motherfuckers! Accept no substitutes!

The Jackass explains the name, and after a phone call, tells them it’s dead! Oh yeah, sure, that’s totally why there’s half a movie left and then a sequel. Meanwhile, the Reverend tries to use a pay phone to contact the newspaper, only for some muscly asswad to walk over and… eat the quarter?

I think I dated a girl like that once.

The Captain and the Jackass and the Commissioner all run off to go check out the dead Chud, donning full hazmat suits to keep them safe from residual hobo germs, and we get to see it reflected in the helmet. Now that the thing is dead, Jackass is sending his men down to finish cleaning the tunnels. (Metaphorically, I mean.) And the Captain wants to send some men down too with flame throwers to make sure there aren’t any more Chuds.

“No no no, I positively can’t let you send anyone down there! We can’t afford the attention!”

*one cut later*

“Are… are those fucking flame throwers?”

Yeah, despite the warning, the Captain went ahead and sent his men down too, and now we’ve got a team full of eggheads to do some science, and a team of cops to light said science on fire! IT’S THE BUDDY COMEDY OF THE YEAR! The Captain and the Jackass are watching over the screens, but when the radiation levels start spiking and the cops start burning everything in sight, the camera feeds still end up getting cut off! Wait, an entire squad of Pyros couldn’t stop one Chud?! You’re a disgrace to your TF2 class!

YEAH MAYBE PYRO IS MY FAVOURITE CLASS WHAT OF IT.

After Operation Vast Incompetence has resulted in a… less than favourable success rate, we cut to Jackass and the Captain discussing their options. “Hmm. Okay, I’m going to make a note here. ‘Plan… needs… work…’, and maybe a fatality rate less than 100% would be slightly optional.” Back with George, he realizes that all of his photos have been taken, and calls up the Banana Man. Down in to the sewers to solve the police cover-up they shall go!

(Geez, this Dead Rising origin story is weird.)

The Captain runs in to the Reverend at his soup kitchen, and gives him the lowdown on the Chuds. Oh, and he explains that the Jackass wants to flood the entire tunnel system with gas to kill the Chuds. It’s… wow, it’s amazing, this is officially the dumbest plan anybody has ever had ever. I mean, good god, the best case scenario with that plan is that you drive an army of angry mutants to tear apart the populace of New York, and the worst case scenario, involves… well, you know, BLOWING UP THE ENTIRE CITY!

You are great at problem solving.

Anyway, while the Banana Man and George are skulking around the sewers with a gun and the Jackass starts flooding the gas, the Reverend gets locked in to his cellar by that muscly asshat from earlier. Oh, and Crazy Ron is here again! Why, hello, Ron, how’s tricks?

“AND WHEN THE LORD OF THE MUTANT FLIES SHALL STRIKE HIS PITCHFORK AGAINST THE ASS OF HEAVEN ITSELF, A CROWN OF THORNS SHALL REACH THROUGH OUR COLONS AND SWAP OUR GENITALS!”

I’m going to assume that’s a good thing.

… Well, now that’s just fucking terrifying.

I Am Terrible At My Job

25 Jul

Quick, I need to think of an excuse not to write a post today!

[Editor's Note: I... wait, what? What are you talking about?]

I got busy, working on some side projects, trying and failing to accomplish anything in Baldur’s Gate 2, and I so don’t have time to write a post today!

[Editor's Note: Well, who's fault is that? Wait, does that mean you're starting to write a post... five minutes from your deadline?]

… I will neither confirm nor deny.

[Editor's Note: Oh, wow. You are roundly fucked. In each orifice. In alphabetical order. Starting with the ear canal, and progressing counter-clockwise.]

YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

[Editor's Note: No lube, either. Or condoms. Just fuckin'. They probably have an STI too. Just sayin'.]

STOP TALKING NOW.

Six Feet Under The Septic Tank: C.H.U.D. Review, Part Two

24 Jul

God, that title is so fun to say. Seriously, try it: C.H.U.D. Chud. Chud chud chud! Chuuuuuuud! CHUD!

Don’t you goddamn judge me.

And if you try to tell me to pronounce it letter by letter, I will fucking gut you.

Previously, on C.H.U.D: The homeless population beneath New York are disappearing one by one, and the Captain of Moustaches is on the case! Oh, and somewhere, some jackass named George is trying desperately to be the most unlikeable character in film history. And succeeding.

Ahem!

Crazy Ron screams some more bible references and tries to shank the Captain, which is pretty on key for the last time I went to church, and the Captain runs off. Back at the police station, George is picking up the Crazy Old Lady from custody, but when they leave, one of the guys behind the desk starts to secretly tail them. Yes, because his ginger 80’s ‘fro and pants pulled up to his belly button is totally inconspicuous.

The Old Lady and George head down in to the sewer tunnels, with ‘Fro Man deciding that following creepy people in to dark tunnels is not in his job description. The Old Lady takes George to her brother Victor, who is in serious bad shape, with a huge gash torn out of his leg. While he’s squatting in a sewer. And coated in filth. Dude, by this point, you are so full of infection that even Osmosis Jones is sobbing in the corner, taking up self harm and please tell me that I’m not the only one who remembers that show.

They showed it in science class all the time, which was… really confusing, actually.

At the soup kitchen, the Reverend and the Captain are going over the missing person lists, and trying to see if the Reverend can recognize anyone from George’s photos, but the Reverend snaps and demands to ask why the Captain even cares this much. And the answer is, because the Captain’s wife disappeared too!

… Awkward. Um. Conciliatory handjob?

The Reverend awkwardly changes the subject, and points out the Old Lady and Victor in the pictures, before he starts asking about the EPA probe. And no, that’s not the name of a really bizarre sex move you can only legally perform in Arkansas, it’s when the Environmental Protection Agency heads down in to the tunnels to inspect everything. The thing is, it usually only goes on for one week, and this time around, it’s been going on for four.

Easiest. Fucking. Reference.

The Reverend shows off his Big Box Of Crap And Stuff that he pulled out of the sewers, including a little gizmo the EPA carried around to measure radiation, and when they get down in to the tunnels themselves, they actually FIND a Geiger Counter! Jesus tapdancing cocks, what is it with the EPA leaving their crap everywhere? Do we need to attach them to you morons with idiot strings?

The Geiger Counter starts going nuts, and the Captain and the Reverend hear a big roar, and we cut to George arriving home. “Oh, hi, honey! I hung out with mortally wounded hobos today!”

“I’m pregnant!”

“… Okay, I think you won.”

George actually manages to win some sympathy points back with his gleeful reaction to the news, and after they’re done… er, “celebrating”, we cut to an old man and his little girl sidekick in the buddy comedy classic of the 80’s!

… And by that, I mean they get attacked by the C.H.U.Ds. (Okay, seriously? Do I need to spell out the acronym every time? Goddammit.)

The little girl arrives at the station the next morning, and when the Captain hears that her grandfather was pulled in to the sewers by monsters, he’s finally had enough of this crap. He has men stationed on every street corner, picks up the Reverend, and they head off to go blow the lid of the cover-up of… whatever the hell the EPA has been doing. Erm. Ghostbusting without a license?

(I’ll be done with those references soon, I swear.)

In The Sewers, No One Can Hear You Scream: C.H.U.D. Review, Part One

23 Jul

Ladies and gentlemen, today we’re going to review C.H.U.D!

[Editor's Note: But what about the Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter review?]

*blam*

Anyway, on with the review!

I guess it’s a good thing they’re not staying down there, the rent is OUTRAGEOUS.

Ah, yes, everybody loves C.H.U.D! (Supposedly.) Released in 1984 to predominantly negative reviews, C.H.U.D. very quickly became a cult classic, presumably because everyone loves acronyms! And hey, I’ve never seen it before, lets give it a whirl!

Ahem!

Today’s cult classic opens with a lady walking her dog through a dark New York street. Literally through the street, she’s walking straight up the centre of the road. I guess traffic doesn’t exist in this universe, but it’s all for moot when a slimy hand reaches out of a manhole cover and drags her and her little dog too in to the sewers. Damn, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cartoon has gotten dark.

(Easiest. Fucking. Reference. Ever.)

After the title card, we cut to the next morning, with a street cleaner doing it’s job while a bunch of homeless people stare at it and judge it. Yep, it’s certainly New York. We cut to George Cooper, taking pictures of said homeless people out of his window, as he gets a call from Derek. I know because they insist on saying all of their names over and over again, like I’m talking to my elderly relatives or something.

George and Derek are working together, I guess, and Derek needs pictures of subterranean hobos from George, but George refuses to pick up and instead lets it go to message. He also proceeds to be a snarky fuckhead to the answering machine, because making the audience want the characters to drop dead is a big responsibility!

He checks in with his girlfriend Lauren, who says that they’re off to do a perfume photo shoot, because… I guess they invented smell-o-vision in the 80’s. She heads down to their apartment building’s basement, stopping to say hi to their neighbour and telling her that Lauren is the model and George is the photographer. (And if this information turns out to be useless, I’m going to shoot myself for writing it.) She hears some scrabbling sounds in the basement, and we cut to huge heaps of garbage!

… On a related note, has anyone seen Transformers 4 yet?

The neighbour accidentally triggers a jump scare in the heap, and finds huge smears of blood and a hole at the bottom. We cut to the standard issue busy police station, with the standard issue over-worked Captain calling the standard issue business man, and inform said business man that he “can’t keep it quiet any more”. And then he confiscates the badge of cop who doesn’t play by the rules and screams that he is THE LAW. Presumably.

We see the Captain start to interrogate a homeless lady who tried to steal a cop’s gun, which I’m pretty sure would have resulted in a no-hold-barred beat-down if anybody who wasn’t a little old lady tried it, and we cut to George and Lauren’s photo shoot. And by that, I mean we cut to George being a colossal asshole, screaming obscenities at the perfume! Ah, yes, I think we’ve finally reached the Alpha Douchbag! All bow to him, his dickiness!

He checks his messages, and apparently the little old lady used him as her one phone call. We cut to the police station, with the Captain researching all the arrest reports in a single area of town. He finds a missing persons report, and we cut to him investigating at the soup kitchen that filed it! Take note, there’s going to be a fucking quiz later!

Anyway, at the soup kitchen, the Captain talks to the Reverend who runs the place. See, homeless people keep going missing, but only the ones who live underground. “Hmm. Do you know anyone I can talk to about this?”

“Oh yeah, Crazy Ron used to live down there.”

“LOCUSTS! DEMONS! GOG AND MAGOG SHALL SING A DIFFERENT SONG WITH EACH OF THEIR SEVEN HEADS, AND THE THRONES OF THE DECIEVERS SHALL DANCE!”

“I think he just teaches Sunday School now.”

It was either this or a picture of Sunday School, and this was mildly less depressing.

Sexual Assault And You

22 Jul

… Jesus, that is a dreadful title.

We’re putting the on-going review on hold for a bit, to go over something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time: Namely, rape. (And if you take that quote out of context, I’m shoving a golf club in you sideways.)

I think we can all agree that sexual assault is a terrible, inhuman thing. And if you don’t agree with that, feel free to leave now. I’d really feel better not having somebody like that reading what I write, I’d have to start scrubbing my view count with steel wool just to get the “oh god no” out of it.

So yeah, we’re not here to talk about how bad sexual assault is, or how people should be punished over it, but to go over something that has been a thorn in my side for a long ass time. Namely, how should a reviewer react to this?

Here’s an example: In one of my earliest reviews (or at least, the earliest one I can remember), Nazis At The Center Of The Earth, there was a scene where the women of the group were taken to the shower and gang raped by Nazi zombies. And I only spent a paragraph on it. REALLY, past me?! These women have their bodies repeatedly and messily violated by inhuman monsters, and you can barely spend nine fucking words on it?!

Oh, here’s another one: In the Gacy House review, I mentioned how one of the leads died from getting raped by the ghost of John Wayne Gacy, and instead of sputtering and screaming in horrified indignation, I turned “ghostrape” in to a running gag?! (Also, upon reading that review again, I was WAY too lenient on that piece of garbage.) Hell, it isn’t until the 100 Ghost Street review that I finally started reacting with the proper indignation!

(This is your friendly neighbourhood reminder that I used to suck way more than I do now.)

Rape is a standard part of horror films, for better and for worse, and so it’s natural that somebody who reviews horror films in his spare time would run into it way too often. Nazis At The Center Of The Earth, Gacy House, 100 Ghost Street, I Kissed A Vampire, Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter, The Human Centipede Two, Maniac, Lovely Molly (?), and I’m sure I’m missing more!

And what’s even more, I’m not just a critic, I am a comedian, more or less. So, I’ll bring it back to my thesis statement: How should I react to all this?! Do I crack jokes, to try and make the audience laugh and maybe forget about how terrible the events are? Do I react with disgust and horror and decry the director for stooping so low? Do I admit it’s an effective means for making the audience uncomfortable in a genre that thrives specifically with an uncomfortable audience?

… Oh, I hope you weren’t expecting some grand statement at the end of this. I am legitimately asking you what I should do here. Any thoughts?

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