Sexual Assault And You

22 Jul

… Jesus, that is a dreadful title.

We’re putting the on-going review on hold for a bit, to go over something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time: Namely, rape. (And if you take that quote out of context, I’m shoving a golf club in you sideways.)

I think we can all agree that sexual assault is a terrible, inhuman thing. And if you don’t agree with that, feel free to leave now. I’d really feel better not having somebody like that reading what I write, I’d have to start scrubbing my view count with steel wool just to get the “oh god no” out of it.

So yeah, we’re not here to talk about how bad sexual assault is, or how people should be punished over it, but to go over something that has been a thorn in my side for a long ass time. Namely, how should a reviewer react to this?

Here’s an example: In one of my earliest reviews (or at least, the earliest one I can remember), Nazis At The Center Of The Earth, there was a scene where the women of the group were taken to the shower and gang raped by Nazi zombies. And I only spent a paragraph on it. REALLY, past me?! These women have their bodies repeatedly and messily violated by inhuman monsters, and you can barely spend nine fucking words on it?!

Oh, here’s another one: In the Gacy House review, I mentioned how one of the leads died from getting raped by the ghost of John Wayne Gacy, and instead of sputtering and screaming in horrified indignation, I turned “ghostrape” in to a running gag?! (Also, upon reading that review again, I was WAY too lenient on that piece of garbage.) Hell, it isn’t until the 100 Ghost Street review that I finally started reacting with the proper indignation!

(This is your friendly neighbourhood reminder that I used to suck way more than I do now.)

Rape is a standard part of horror films, for better and for worse, and so it’s natural that somebody who reviews horror films in his spare time would run into it way too often. Nazis At The Center Of The Earth, Gacy House, 100 Ghost Street, I Kissed A Vampire, Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter, The Human Centipede Two, Maniac, Lovely Molly (?), and I’m sure I’m missing more!

And what’s even more, I’m not just a critic, I am a comedian, more or less. So, I’ll bring it back to my thesis statement: How should I react to all this?! Do I crack jokes, to try and make the audience laugh and maybe forget about how terrible the events are? Do I react with disgust and horror and decry the director for stooping so low? Do I admit it’s an effective means for making the audience uncomfortable in a genre that thrives specifically with an uncomfortable audience?

… Oh, I hope you weren’t expecting some grand statement at the end of this. I am legitimately asking you what I should do here. Any thoughts?

Though I Walk Through The Shadow Of The Valley Of Lesbians: Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter Review, Part Two

21 Jul

… Holy hell, that title is a mouthful.

EXCUSE ME, movie poster, but Jesus already shaved off his beard and hair. PLOT HOLE.

Previously, on Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter: Holy hell, how do I even TRY to summarize this movie. Um, Jesus Christ is back in Ottawa to save the population of lesbians from vampires, before getting ambushed by a gang of roving atheists. Oh, and it’s a kung fu musical.

… And if any of that made sense to you, I’m sending you to the Learning Cube until you’re fit to re-enter society.

Ahem!

So, a gang of muscley atheists pile out of the jeep, and Jesus fights them all off with his mastery of kung fu. Unfortunately, he’s not wearing a crown of thorns, so he can’t pull off the most devastating headbutt attack ever.

It really is amazing, more and more goddamn atheists just keep on coming and coming out of the stupid jeep. It’s like one of those video games where you can’t pass the level till you break all the spawn points. Well. Either that, or atheists breed asexually.

Finally, he’s gotten down to the woman and the man in the suit. The man, of course, starts his fight by pulling off his suit jacket, and the woman… gropes her tits? Unless you’re planning to shoot milk in to his eyes, I don’t see what use that’ll have in a fight.

He kicks their asses, including some truly “brilliant” stop motion, walks through the veritable sea of unconscious atheists, and picks up his lumber. So Jesus-

“JEEEEEESUS!”

Oh, right, I forgot to mention. Every once and a while, it changes scene with a cut to a spinning cross, and somebody screaming ‘Jesus’. It’s about as stupid as it sounds. “Holy crucifixion, Batman!”

Jesus saunters down the street to the funkiest soundtrack in the last ten years, before we cut to Jesus entering his apartment to find a woman in a camo dress and wielding a gun. Oh snap, she’s going to pop a cap in his- where does one traditionally pop things on a Jesus?

Anyway, they tussle for a bit, until she tells him that she’s on the church’s side. The name? Mary Magnum.

… I see what you did there.

To try and relax Jesus, they decide to have their discussion in… the sauna! You know, like all churches have! Magnum tells Jesus that the branch of the church that she follows has been researching vampires for years, and starts listing off technobabble. Look, movie. You’re a kung fu musical about Jesus Christ stopping vampires from stealing lesbians. You don’t need to explain anything. It’s not going to help. Besides, everyone already knows about vampires, so this isn’t helping anyway! If you’re going to explain anything, explain how Mary Magnum brought a functioning laptop in to a sauna.

Can Jesus walk on water damage?

Magnum is in Ottawa to talk to an expert of vampires, and when Jesus tries to leave, she stops him and tells him that they’ll have to find him some new clothes. Annnnnd then she flirts with him. Um. Please don’t fuck Jesus, movie. Stigmata and sex do not go together well.

We cut to-

“JEEEEEESUS!”

… Gee. Thanks for that. Anyway, we cut to a clothing store, where Jesus goes on a clothing montage while Mary Magnum… is in a bright red catsuit for some ungodly reason. Yeah, sure, you’re gonna blend in to the freakin’ background in that ensemble. Pssh, where’d the camo go!

Suddenly, the lead vampire shows up, and Jesus and Magnum hide in a changing room. She’s asking the shop keeper for Johnny, and leaves when she doesn’t find him. Or maybe that’s just because the shop keeper is annoying as fuck, either or.

Jesus and Magnum follow the vampire on a motorcycle to the hospital (… my life), and when they get to the hospital, they sneak in through the vents.

“Mary, if I’m not back in five minutes… call the pope.”

Oh, you’re just mad because he has a better car than you.”

In the vent, they eavesdrop on an insane surgeon who is reciting the Bible while hacking skin off an unconscious vampire and espousing on the glory of science. Geez, this is the weirdest episode of Bill Nye, The Science Guy ever.

Oh, and also, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

WHERE DID MY LIFE GO SO WRONG?!

See, Dr. Insano here is hackin’ skin off the vampires and implanting new skin on so they can walk around in the sun. Hey, it’s a cool idea on the writer’s part, so I’ll let it slide. Just… just don’t open your mouth, ladies, because we can’t actually replace the skin there. And also, keep your eyes closed all the time, because I can’t put skin on your eyeballs. And wear earmuffs.

As the doctor monologues to the corpse, he suddenly starts… tonguing the corpse. Um. Nice of the movie to get rapey as fuck all of a sudden. And a vampire, the one who they said was the first to disappear, the one who worked with TV, walks up for a progress report.

“Well, she still hasn’t accepted my request for a date, but she stopped flinching when I make out with her corpse, so I think I’m getting some serious signals here.”

“… I meant the skin. How is the skin going?”

“Oh, the skin hasn’t accepted my request for a date either.”

How Do I Even Find These Movies?! Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter Review, Part One

20 Jul

Ahem.

Today, we’ll be reviewing a kung-fu comedy horror musical about Jesus Christ fighting vampires.

WHAT?!

“The Power Of Christ Impales You”? Damn, there goes the title of my autobiography.

So… yeah, this is a thing. A 2001 flick which of course it was made in Canada. Why am I even surprised. God, I’m starting to think I need to pull this entire country over and give everybody a stern talking to. Annnnnd yeah, I’m just killing time, because I can’t find anything about this movie. Well, at least now I which deity this film pissed off enough to get wiped away from history.

Ahem!

Today’s oh-god-why-am-I-watching-this opens with a montage of streets and people carrying Jesus signs while the sounds of people yelling about God and the Second Coming is dubbed over. And all of a sudden, some guy in a big bushy beard hops out of a bush and starts telling the audience how we’re going to die! Oh hey, Alan Moore, how’s that workin’ out for you.

Crazy preacher guy talks about how this film is going to change our lives and it might kill us and blah blah blah, until the camera man walks through the bushes and into the house that he kept gesturing at. And cue the credits, which… come complete with a synthesizer reading the credits aloud. Um. This was made in 2001, right? Or is the 80′s one of the vampires that we’ll need to kill?

Anyway, with that over with, we cut to a car driving around at night, until it opens and the girl with a little blue dress and an apron is suddenly jumped by a vampire. Or at least, I think it’s a vampire, all she does is nibble on the girl’s earlobe. And cue a jumpcut later, and the girl is suddenly covered in blood! Annnnd so is the car. And lightning keeps flashing. Okay, what the fuck happened in that jumpcut?!

The vampire steals the car, and in the morning, steps out in to the bright sunlight. (… Gotcha, we’re just making vampires up as we go along.) She looks like a gender-swapped Marilyn Manson, and she pulls out her bulky 2001 era cell phone.

“Where have all our lesbians gone?”

Wait, WHAT?!

Have you checked the couch cushions? That’s where they usually turn up.

We cut over to a bad knock-knock joke, playing out in real time. Quick, why did the priest cross the road? To get to the… punk rock guy reading a newspaper, I guess. Man, I’m bad at knock-knock jokes. Oh, and said newspaper has an… interesting headline.

“NCC REPORTS CRITICAL LESBIAN SHORTAGE, FRINGE FESTIVAL IN JEOPARDY.”

… You know, I’d make a joke here, but I’ve known people who perform at Fringe festivals, so yeah, that’s pretty accurate.

So, the priest makes it to the punk rocker, who it turns out, is also a priest! You know what, I am perfectly fine with that, I would respect way more priests if they showed up to work in fucking mohawks. The two priests discuss who tragic it is that the vampires have been killing Ottawa’s supply of lesbians, until they decide they must use their super special plan to stop them, and to do that, they enlist the help of Scooter Priest! 

… Look, I’m not the one making this up.

Anyway, they drive through a montage until they make it to a beach, and they find Jesus, givin’ some lady a swirly in the lake and offering the priests lemonade out of a water bottle embedded in the sand. And I hope you took those acid tabs when I told you to, because then that sentence will make perfect sense to you.

The priests try to convince Jesus to fight off the vampires, but he tells them that he can’t come out and fight evil until he’s done building his holy kingdom, and he gestures to a sand castle that Jesus apparently made in his spare time. Which would be hell with those holes in his hand, lemme tell you.

Suddenly, three vampire women show up and stomp on it! Wow. Pure evil is such a dick, and speaking of which, they then kick Jesus in the nads, which means that Jesus is officially done screwing around. KUNG FU JESUS IS ENGAGED! 

Jesus tries to hold them off with some awkwardly stilted choreography, complete with over-the-top punching sound effects, while the priests run off to bless the lake. The lead vampire manages to kill the two priests, but the other two vampires get their asses tossed in and killed. Because of God, apparently. Geez, even Buffy remembered to throw some CGI steam around to make it actually do something.

But now Jesus is PISSED, and he steals the scooter and rides downtown while the soundtrack just whispers buzzwords from the Bible. He first stops for a haircut, because the beard and long flowing hair look is so dated, and then he grabs some piercings because fuck you, that’s why, and decides that the only way to defeat the vampires is… a musical number!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

He dances and sings with the population of Ottawa, heals the sick and injured, hangs out with people in pastel stripper outfits, and generally, just makes everybody’s day fantastic! Fuck, he even raises the dead at one point. Okay, you know all those student films I’ve reviewed, where I completely tear into how terrible and amateurish it is? This is how you should do something terrible and amateurish! Just make something so insane and fucking awesome that it’s impossible not to love!

The musical number suddenly breaks up, and Jesus runs in to yet another priest. Holy hell, this city is just swarming with them. He takes him to the church, where he gets his own little apartment, and we cut to Jesus explaining to that Priest-Who-Crossed-The-Road what happened to the other two priests. In… in a diner, for some ungodly reason.

[Editor's Note: Does that count as sacrilegious if you're watching a movie that already fucks over Jesus in every possible way, or do they cancel each other out?]

I think it’s like crossing the streams, but with crosses.

Father Chicken (heh, get it?) pulls out some photos of people in his congregation who’ve disappeared, thanks to the vampires. A guy who made public service announcements for the church, and a girl who was a concert promoter, who Jesus recognizes as the lead vampire from the beach. They wonder if the fact that the vampires have mostly been taking lesbians might be why the vampires can walk around in the day, because you know, lesbians are actually a form of sunscreen.

Jesus gets a wad of cash from the collection plate, and walks down to the hardware store to pick up some woods for steaks. But suddenly, a car drives over and a man in a suit and a redhead woman get out and cross their arms, Team Rocket style.

“Hello, Jesus. You don’t know us because we’ve never talked to you before. We’re the Atheists.”

*dramatic dropping of lumber*

“Look, Jesus, we’re taking your Second Coming ass down. Consider this the Thirteenth Station of the Cross.”

“Oh yeah?! Well, lets get on with the conversions.”

WHAT?!

For A Good Time, Take A Left Down At Tombstone Number Eight: Nekromantik Review, Part Three

19 Jul

I’m sure that somewhere in the audience, there’s some well meaning necrophiliac who are just so offended right now! Hey, no offence, corpse-canoodler, stick your wang wherever you want, I’d just really prefer that I didn’t have to watch.

… Is it wrong that this is the most stylish poster we’ve had on this site?

Previously, on NekromantikRob and Betty fucked a corpse, while we watched somebody skin a real bunny! Annnnnd yeah, that’s about it. I’m starting to think this movie was banned because it’s dull.

Ahem!

Rob comes home to Betty and tells her that he’s been fired, or at least, that’s what I think after I ran the dialogue through Google Translate. She’s pissed at him and starts yelling at him in German, and when he comes home later with a cat… for some reason, he finds a note telling him that she left him. Oh, and if that wasn’t bad enough… she took the corpse with her! 

German rom-coms are weird.

So, he loses his temper, burns a picture of her, and oh yeah, BEATS THE CAT TO DEATH IN A GARBAGE BAG AND HANGS THE CORPSE ABOVE HIM WHILE HE BATHES AND TEARS IT INTO PIECES TO RUB THE BLOOD ALL OVER HIMSELF.

Dude. BUY A STRESS BALL.

(And don’t worry, I checked, it wasn’t a real animal this time.)

And it is so fucking weird that I have to even MAKE that distinction.

With that… freaking insane part of his day done, Rob decides to head out and go watch a scary movie! And… he does! I think the movie just looped itself. And it’s totally awesome, because apparently German theatres get to sell beer to everyone who shows up! Man, at the theatres in my town, all they get to sell are bitter recriminations.

So, while Rob watches the movie, we watch it too! We see some buxom blond run from an axe murderer, find a dead body, until she’s finally caught by the moron. What, did the director get tired of the movie he was making, and decided to make a completely different one? Well, I’ll give it this much, at least it’s not fucking Nekromantik!

The killer ties the poor girl up and starts molesting her, most of which is off camera, because it’s apparently far more important that we focus on the bored expressions of the people watching, I don’t have to tell you that. Eventually, Rob gets so bored of all this, he up and walks out! I think the movie is trying to tell us what we should do.

Rob heads home, and drinks for a bit, until he starts pullin’ out some pills and washing them down with whiskey. Either he’s trying to kill himself, or he figures Tic Tacs would taste better if they were soaked is hooch. AND HE’D BE RIGHT.

Annnnnd cue trippy dream sequence, go! There’s a body bag in a field, somebody with a skeleton face crawls out of it, buxom blond hands him a box, it has a dead head in it, she picks him up, romantic piano music starts up, and they… start playing fetch with it?

… Well, it’s nice of the movie to go batshit insane all of a sudden.

“There’s children throwing snowballs instead of throwing heads…”

We cut to three women, who Wikipedia identify as prostitutes, as Rob drives up! Um. Look, ladies, I don’t judge, but having sex with the man who mere days ago was fuckin’ corpses is going to leave you with EVERY KIND OF DISEASE, including a couple that I just made up. Oh, but I’m sure I’m just weird, there’s no reason for her to suspect that Rob gets turned on by corpses, and we cut to Rob taking her to fuck on top of somebody’s grave!

I should put a space between those two sentences.

Anyway, they make to do the nasty, but it seems Rob can’t get it up if the girl’s breathing, but it seems he has a solution to that: Kill ‘er, and then fuck ‘er! Always thinking, our Rob! But apparently she was so good that he dozes off, and only wakes up when he gets interrupted by a gardener in the morning. And he does what I think we all would: Chop the fucker’s head off with his own shovel!

Rob decides that the best way to spend the day after a morning like that is doing some yoga in a field, before we cut to him and his apartment, nailing a crucifix with Jesus on it… to a cross… while he wears a crown of thorns.

MOVING ON!

We cut back to the field, where he runs around and okay, who the fuck said this man was allowed to frolic?! I already used up my Inky Dinky Doo Dah Morning joke last time!

At his apartment once again, Rob takes a random knife and starts cuddling up with it, until he decides to go out of this movie the way he entered: Disgustingly. He zips down his pants, pulls out his raging erection, and as he stabs himself in the gut over and over again, ejaculates all over himself while he dies in terrible agony as he flashes back to the killing of the bunny.

Well, congratulations. I will never maintain an erection again. Thanks for that.

Our movie ends with a shot of Rob’s grave, which looks appropriately seedy and abandoned, until we finally close out with a shot of somebody in high heels and stockings digging up the grave. And you might think, oh, that’s just a set-up for a sequel that never happened, but… oh. Oh, you would be so wrong. Ladies and gentlemen? NEKROMANTIK TWO!

Heh… heh… heh heh… hah hah hah hah ahha hah hahah hah hah hah ehh aha heha heh ahehah hahah HAHAHAHAHAH AHH AHA HAHHAHA AHHAHAH FUCK THIS MOVIE!

When There’s No More Room In Hell, The Dead Will Get Down: Nekromantik Review, Part Two

18 Jul

Hmm. You know, this movie about having sex with corpses raises some very important questions. Namely, WHO CAME UP WITH SUCH AN AMAZING TITLE PUN AND WHY WASN’T IT ME?!

YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD, I READ YOUR BOOOOK.

Previously, on Nekromantik: We met Rob and Betty, a young couple who enjoy pickling hunks of dead people, bathing in blood, and sleeping on beds made of bones! Gosh, I really think those crazy kids are going to make it.

Oh, and they killed a real bunny.

Yaaaaaay.

Ahem!

After we’re done flashing back to the bunny murder, we cut to Rob performing surgery on a corpse… before cutting back to the killing. What, did you think killing a real live animal on screen would be the worst this film does? Fuck no, because they immediately top it by hanging up the corpse and peeling the skin off.

I ask, dear audience, with heartfelt and well chosen words: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

So yeah, we cut between the rabbit getting gutted and Rob hackin’ off body parts from a corpse, before finally settling back to him drinking beer in his bed full of bones. Well, THAT flashback sequence was certainly important, I can see why they fucking kept that. If I didn’t know what a rabbit looked like with no skin, this movie wouldn’t make any sense at all!

We cut to a beautiful, bright summer day! The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and some jackass with a gun accidentally shoots somebody picking apples!

It’s an inky dinky doo dah morning…

Our redshirted jackass does what I think we’d all do when we accidentally murder somebody in broad daylight, and that is, cart the body away in a wheelbarrow! What?! How despicable! Doesn’t he know how heavy wheelbarrows are?!

We cut to the German Corpse Patrol, where they get a call to head out and fight for truth, justice, and also retrieving a water logged corpse- nay, skeleton, out of a pond. And, despite the fact that the body is rotted enough to be completely unrecognisable, it’s still wearing fashionable jeans! Damn, you know what isn’t dead? Fashion.

The rest of the Corpse Patrol clears out, because of… erm, “German German German German”, and leave Rob to drive the car around. And naturally, he steals the rotted corpse and stuffs it in his trunk! Because I guess bringing his girlfriend home flowers is just too passée.

Rob brings it home, and Betty grins like a kid in a candy store. Aww, it’s love at first WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. And, you know, credit to whoever did the special effects, but this is a nice lookin’ corpse! As shown while the couple stroke it lovingly…

Excuse me while I throw up forever.

Now, you might be thinking, “Oh god, why are you watching this?! AND WHY AM I READING THIS?!”. But after I drug you and tie you to a chair, you’re probably just thinking, “If it’s so rotted, how are they going to fuck the corpse?”. And here’s your answer, you poor bastard: They saw off a length of pipe and impale it through the corpses groin!

You know, I don’t even have a vagina, and that looks like it hurts.

Also, on an unrelated note, AAAAHHHHHHH!

Also, on an unrelated note, AAAAHHHHHHH!

So, here they are, with Betty and Rob and their corpse, all cuddled up in bed together, annnnnd they put a condom on the steel pipe.

… Well, of course. I understand zombie AIDs is the worst kind.

And finally, cue the sex scene! A threesome between Rob, Betty, and their corpse! Which is shot in artsy blurry vision, presumably to make it less clear what was going on, kinda like the cinematic equivalent of beer goggles!

The entire affair is set to some very gorgeous piano music, which is just… surreal. It’s like… it’s like… sorry, this whole thing is just melting my critic brain. Um. They suck on the corpses eyeball and even put it in their mouths for a bit, if that helps.

[Editor's Note: How could that POSSIBLY HELP?!]

I don’t even know any more.

And afterwards, the duo engage in a standard post coital steak! Yeah, fuck cigarettes after sex, the Germans do it hardcore. Actually… now that I think about, you could probably blame this entire movie for the whole “German porn is incredibly freaky” stereotype!

Over at the Corpse Patrol, they’re yelling in German to each other, which I’m sure would be vital plot information if I spoke the language! And we cut to Betty, having… story time. With the corpse.

WHAT?!

Oh, wait, never mind, she fucks it afterwards. Okay, that, I understand a bit more. I mean, you know, slightly. I’m still a bit lost on the part where she makes the skeletal head… er, give her head. I mean, it’s a corpse. Unless getting a skeletal ridge scraped across your pelvis is secretly a fetish, I don’t think-

Oh god, what am I talking about, that is totally a fetish.

“Ladies.”

Happiness Is A Warm Corpse: Nekromantik Review, Part One

17 Jul

Today, we’ll be looking at a movie about humping corpses!

MY LIFE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

She’s looking for a BONE, huh? Eh, eh?

Nekromantik, king of replacing ‘c’s with ‘k’s before Mortal Kombat came along, is a 1987 West German horror film. About necrophilia. See, the director was having a discussing with the writer about connecting the idea of orgasms and death, and thus, this movie happened, and we should all feel a little ashamed about this fact! And yes, this controversial movie about sex and death has been banned in several countries. As if that wasn’t freaking obvious.

(Oh god, none of you can look at me in the eyes after this review is done. Seriously, people below 18 who don’t want to know about having sex with a dead body, turn away now. Also, anyone who ever hopes to look at me without shame.)

Ahem!

The film opens with a disclaimer, telling us that “this film should not be shown to minors”. Oh, really?! Darn, and here I was, about to show it as a double feature with Monsters Inc.

After some confusing quote that I couldn’t possibly begin to translate, we truly open on… somebody pissing in the woods!

Oh dear lord, what have I gotten myself in to.

Holy fuck, the shower I just took needs to take a shower!

Holy fuck, the shower I just took needs to take a shower!

Said pisser in the woods gets into his car, and drives off with his companion until they drive straight into a train. And, bit of a disclaimer here, I couldn’t find a copy of this movie in English, so I’ll probably be a little lost on the plot!

(… Well. As much plot as you can find in corpse-fucking, anyway.)

We get our title card, and somehow, the poor bastard is still in one piece after his crash! I mean, yeah, he’s dead, but the body is still all together! He DROVE IN TO A FUCKING TRAIN! He should be in jerky sized chunks spread through truck stops all over Germany by now!

The companion, meanwhile, is definitely bisected, and we get out credit sequence. Complete with… actually, surprisingly awesome music. Seriously, this is epic “going to storm the castle” music. Damn, the German “Lord Of The Rings” is weird.

The German Corpse Patrol rides out and starts cleaning up the mess, starting by stuffing the lady in a garbage bag (… pretty sure that’s not how they do that, unless Oscar the Grouch secretly boinks corpses in his off hour), and buzzsaw the poor bugger out of his mangled metal coffin. You know, like a Pinto.

We cut to… some place with a very long name, but it has “Joe” before it and that’s good enough for me! Anyway, at Joe’s, we see somebody… pissing in a urinal! Wait, WHAT?! Again?! Do I seriously need to start a “pissing counter”?! Is this a running motif?!

One of the Corpse Patrol argues with his boss in German, and we cut to him at home in his apartment, still in his bloody jumpsuit. I’m… pretty sure you’re not allowed to wear that home, but hey, maybe the Germans are just kooky that way. We see some pickled jars of god-knows-what, and this guy… pulls out a fresh eyeball and stuffs it in a jar?! And then does the same to a fresh heart?!

The German “Repo: The Genetic Opera” is weird.

No, I’m not going to translate a lyric from Repo into German. Fuck you.

Okay, according to some quick google searches, this fellow’s name is Rob, and he’s quickly greeted with a kiss from his girlfriend, Betty. I… wait, this guy has a girlfriend?! Oh, please, tell me how they met! Were they at the same organ transplant clinic, she stuck a kidney up her ass, he fucked a heart, and it was love at first squelch?

Betty goes for a bath, and either the bathtub is filled with blood, or somebody cut the bathtub’s jugular, because the whole mess is smeared with blood, and the water is dark and murky.. And either way, GAAAAH! That is not going to make you clean, lady! Unless you think AIDs is the perfect soap, I guess.

In the other room, Rob sits on his bed covered in bones, which is weird enough, but he starts flashing back to his childhood and we get to see his father, beating and killing a tiny rabbit on film!

Oh, what’s that? You think I’m joking? No no no, that part’s real. They had actual footage of somebody beating an adorable bunny rabbit over the head and then slitting it’s throat as it bleeds to death, and they thought it would look nice in the film.

Holy fuck. This film has PROBLEMS.

A Portal To My Groins

16 Jul

Chell entered the A.I. Containment Chamber and leaned against the door frame (of science) with a low whistle. GLaDOS, super computer and psychotic monster extrodinaire, spun around in her cradle to observe the intruder.

“Oh. It’s you.” GLaDOS glared her optics. “What a joy, the generous mute lunatic is back. Are you here to murder me again, or just destroy the facility? Because, oh, here I was, thinking about how nice it was to get shot with my own rocket turret, so it’s great that you’re here to help. Maybe if I’m lucky, and you can tear my head off and stick another mo-”

“GLaDOS. I need you.” Chell’s voice was strangely alien.

GLaDOS broke off her diatribe. And then she blinked.

“Well. That was… novel.”

Chell started to stalk towards the massive, omnipotent A.I.

“I would strongly advise… not doing that. Um. You don’t have a gun in that skin tight jumpsuit, do you?”

Finally, Chell stopped in front of her previous tormentor, and wrapped her hands around her head.

“This is not science! What are you doing?!”

And finally, Chell pulled GLaDOS in to a deep kiss, letting loose 9999999 years of sexual tension in a single desperate moment-

[Editor's Note: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!]

Oh, hey, you’re back! How was your vacation?

[Editor's Note: INVOLVED A HELL OF A LOT LESS PORTAL FAN FIC, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!]

Look, it’s not my fault. See, I was running the numbers, and it turns out, Portal slash fic attracts WAY more readers!

[Editor's Note: Well, to be fair, any readers would qualify as "way more".]

… I’m going to let that fly, but only if you read the scene I wrote where Wheatley watches Chell and GLaDOS masturbate.

[Editor's Note: *inarticulate rage*]

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