Bustin’ Makes Me Feel Good: The Apparition Review, Part One

21 Aug

Oh, it’s been a while since we’ve spotlighted a ghost movie on here! Which is fitting, because according to the box office records, The Apparition was dead on arrival!

Pictured: A group hug gone terribly wrong.

The Apparition was released on 2012, which I’m guessing you didn’t actually know, because this movie just disappeared. Which I guess is kind of a blessing. Seriously, when your Wikipedia page features the phrase “box office bomb”, “hauntingly inept”, and “hilariously non-scary”, you should just count yourself lucky that you somehow avoided becoming a notorious bomb.

Ahem!

The film opens with an up-close shot of film reels for about, oh, five seconds longer then it needed to be, before cutting to old footage of a bunch of poorly dressed people performing a seance. And suddenly, it cuts to college students totting shelves of high tech equipment through their university at top speed! Oh god, the “wacky shenanigans” music is playing, get the gun.

After they get it there, we get a rapid montage of setting up equipment, before our three university students and their camera man begin the experiment. Essentially, they’re going to think really, really hard about creating a ghost, and then a ghost will happen. Damn. Tenure must rock.

Eventually, the table starts shaking, knocking over their little ghost figurine, and then the entire basement starts shaking. And then the figurine explodes, the lights flicker, and things progressively fall to shit. Well, it’s nice to know that they only had to think for about, oh, ten seconds to warp the fabric of reality around them. And somewhere, the Ghostbusters just shake their head and sigh.

The girl of the group gets spirited away, and we cut to the title card, before cutting to the domestic life of two of the dullest people around. I had to go back over and over again, trying to figure out if this Harmony Korine look-alike was one of the college students from earlier, and… yeah, I don’t have a clue. This is what happens when you cast your movie with nothing but generic looking white people! They all look the same!

[Editor's Note: ... Wait, is that racist?]

Hey, some of my best friends are white! … And me! Mostly me, actually- amend that first point, me being white was really the more important point there.

[Editor's  Note: Shouldn't you get back to the movie?]

“Hey, honey! Lets go cactus shopping!”

“Yaaaaay!”

… I don’t think I’m missing anything.

… The face of terror?

Yeah, we’ve spent about 7 minutes here, just watching Korine-Clone and Perky Girlfriend just… hanging out. Going to work, eating dinner, buying cactus’, driving to the suburbs, watching YouTube videos, unpacking their stuff, and finally, finally, we get a plot point! Namely, the new cactus they bought? IT DIED.

So, is there… any plot here? Any at all? I’d take bits of other movie’s plots, at this point. Maybe staple on something from Casablanca? “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful haunting”? No?

Okay, so… yeah! Korine-Clone and Perky are renting in the suburbs for her parents, they only have one other neighbor in the whole suburb, and they’re playing Street Fighter together, annnnnd that’s about it. Oh, and there’s a stain on the counter. So… that’s cool.

While they sleep (on the couch, for some reason that is not made clear), they suddenly wake up and notice that every door in the house is wide open. Which, for some reason, did not set off any of the alarms, because I guess the ghost is an amateur electrician. Or they just own a really bad security system, either or.

They call the security company, who just kind of shrug their shoulders, and the duo go to sleep. Oh, and if you thought the “opening doors” trick was scary, wait till you see this. The next morning, while Perky is putting laundry in the drawer, the ghosts… move the drawer slightly to the right.

So, what was that bit about “hilariously non-scary”? Yeah, yeah.

The next day, after they replace all the locks and install new security cameras, the neighbor’s dog walks in to the house, growls at the laundry room for a while, and then just dies.

Wait, what?!

Yeah, I’m not selling that short or anything! She didn’t get hit, or hurt, or stabbed, or poisoned, or literally anything, she just… died! I’m pretty sure if you checked, the cause of death would have literally been death! “Sir, it is my professional opinion as a doctor that you have died. Just fix that and you’ll be all better.”

After getting the owner to come pick up the dead dog, they notice that the linoleum where it died was cracked. And underneath it, the floor is completely riddled with mold! Which then leads to a completely pointless scene as Korine-Clone crawls underneath the house to check on the mold, which is neither interesting, or scary, or enhances the plot in anyway. It just kind of… exists. It takes up space, uses up several minutes of your time, then leaves, leaving absolutely no impression on the viewer at all. You know, kinda like Stephen Harper.

Oh, Canadian buuuuurn.

While Korine-Clone- well, okay, he doesn’t look exactly like Harmony Korine, but the soulless eyes, sweaty skin, and strange grizzled peach fuzz are kinda distinctive. Hmm. Maybe Elijah Wood clone instead? Anyway, while Perky goes for a blatant shower scene, Cloney opens his email to find dozens of emails from his old university buddies. Yes, it seems Cloney was one of the students from the beginning, and now years later, his friends are trying the experiment again to try and trap the entity. And the footage they send of the experiment aren’t exactly… stellar.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE DID! WE BROUGHT IT IN TO OUR WORLD! IT’S LOOSE! IT’S FREEEE!”

Yeah, I’m markin’ this a C-. “Could… use… some… improvement…”

Internet Campfire Tales: The Rake, A Creepypasta Review!

20 Aug

Oh, I am looking forward to this! Welcome, you degenerate bastards, to Internet Campfire Talesthe only web series to share with your friends around a router-fire!

internet_campfire_tales

Anyone here a fan of Creepypastas? They are, essentially, just scary stories shared and written over the internet! Ergo, “Internet Campfire Tales”! See, see? I’M CLEVER! SHUT UP!

So here, ladies and gentlemen, is my brand new segment where I’ll spotlight, review, and indeed, mock said Creepypastas! And after my review of the Rake’s major motion picture debut, it seems very fitting that his big Creepypasta debut is the first segment that’ll kick us off!

Ahem!

During the summer of 2003, events in the northeastern United States involving a strange, human-like creature sparked brief local media interest before an apparent blackout was enacted.”

Yeah, the government managed to blackout the entire northeastern United States back in 2003. You probably never heard about it, everyone in 2003 was pretty busy with… with… listening to Shake Ya Tailfeather by Nelly?! Jesus, is that seriously the only thing that happened in 2003? You guys were lucky to get blacked out.

“Little or no information was left intact, as most online and written accounts of the creature were mysteriously destroyed.”

Incidentally enough, the same thing also happened to Shake Ya Tailfeather and Nelly! Seriously, am I the only one who remembers that garbage?

“Primarily focused in rural New York state and once found in Idaho, self proclaimed witnesses told stories of their encounters with a creature of unknown origin.”

Don’t worry, everyone, it’s just Nick Nolte.

Emotions ranged from extremely traumatic levels of fright and discomfort, to an almost childlike sense of playfulness and curiosity. While their published versions are no longer on record, the memories remained powerful.”

Yep, definitely Nick Nolte. People, listen, if you find a Nick Nolte in your house, don’t be scared. Just call your local authorities, they have a very humane trap that they use just for him and they’ll release him back in to the Hollywood Hills.

Pictured: A Nick Nolte, being drawn stage right by some off-screen peanut butter.

“Several of the involved parties began looking for answers that year. In early 2006, the collaboration had accumulated nearly two dozen documents dating between the 12th century and present day, spanning 4 continents. In almost all cases, the stories were identical.”

Just like those “Lost Episode” Creepypastas? Boo yah, surprise burn!

“I’ve been in contact with a member of this group and was able to get some excerpts from their upcoming book.”

What’s the title, “Lies This Creepypasta Told Me”?

A Suicide Note: 1964. “As I prepare to take my life, I feel it necessary to assuage any guilt or pain I have introduced through this act. It is not the fault of anyone other than him.”

I heard people who worked with Michael Bay say the same thing.

“For once I awoke and felt his presence. And once I awoke and saw his form. Once again I awoke and heard his voice, and looked into his eyes.”

So, that’s, what, three times you woke up in five seconds? Does your alarm clock have a fucking stutter?

“I cannot sleep without fear of what I might next awake to experience. I cannot ever wake. Goodbye.””

Monsters Inc, The Terrifying True Story.

“Found in the same wooden box were two empty envelopes addressed to William and Rose, and one loose personal letter with no envelope: “Dearest Linnie, I have prayed for you. He spoke your name.””

Well, to be precise, he beat-boxed your name, but same dif’.

A Journal Entry (translated from Spanish): 1880. “I have experience the greatest terror. I have experienced the greatest terror. I have experienced the greatest terror.”

Oh, what, have you experienced the greatest terror? I HADN’T NOTICED!

“I see his eyes when I close mine. They are hollow. Black. They saw me and pierced me.”

And the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss, they’re perfectly aligned…

“His wet hand. I will not sleep. His voice (unintelligible text).””

Yeah, they fight.

But the sex is fantastic.

A Mariner’s Log: 1691. “He came to me in my sleep. From the foot of my bed I felt a sensation. He took everything.”

Even… oh, come on! He took my shoelaces! Who even does that?!

“We must return to England. We shall not return here again at the request of the Rake.””

Yeah, that’s how I get people to leave my house too. Coming to them in their sleep, perching on the foot of the bed and taking everything? Gets ‘em every time.

From a Witness: 2006. “Three years ago, I had just returned from a trip from Niagara Falls with my family for the 4th of July. We were all very exhausted after a long day of driving, so my husband and I put the kids right to bed and called it a night.”

After taking the mandatory time away from the kids for kinky sex, of course. Break out the whips and sex-tridents!

“At about 4am, I woke up thinking my husband had gotten up to use the restroom. I used the moment to steal back the sheets, only to wake him in the process. I apologized and told him I though he got out of bed.”

Wait, you ‘though’ he got out of bed? Great, a spelling mistake, you totally killed the mood. Now I have to work to get my horror boner back up…

If he ever tried to scratch an itch, it’d be a reconstructive surgeon’s wet dream.

“When he turned to face me, he gasped and pulled his feet up from the end of the bed so quickly his knee almost knocked me out of the bed. He then grabbed me and said nothing.”

Honey? I want a divorce.

“After adjusting to the dark for a half second, I was able to see what caused the strange reaction. At the foot of the bed, sitting and facing away from us, there was what appeared to be a naked man, or a large hairless dog of some sort.”

Hey, that’s no way to describe your husband- oh, wait, you mean the Rake. Never mind.

“Its body position was disturbing and unnatural, as if it had been hit by a car or something. For some reason, I was not instantly frightened by it, but more concerned as to its condition. At this point I was somewhat under the assumption that we were supposed to help him.”

… You are bad at decision making.

“My husband was peering over his arm and knee, tucked into the fetal position, occasionally glancing at me before returning to the creature.”

Way to spring in to action, jackass. Is “curl in to the fetal position” your reaction to most problems, or do you usually add “urinate submissively” to your itinerary?

“In a flurry of motion, the creature scrambled around the side of the bed, and then crawled quickly in a flailing sort of motion right along the bed until it was less than a foot from my husband’s face.”

And then the threesome happened. Right there. It was pretty hot.

“… Baby.”

“The creature was completely silent for about 30 seconds (or probably closer to 5, it just seemed like a while) just looking at my husband. The creature then placed its hand on his knee and ran into the hallway, leading to the kids’ rooms.”

In retrospect, hiring the Rake for a baby sitter was probably not the best idea.

“I screamed and ran for the lightswitch, planning to stop him before he hurt my children. When I got to the hallway, the light from the bedroom was enough to see it crouching and hunched over about 20 feet away. He turned around and looked directly at me, covered in blood. I flipped the switch on the wall and saw my daughter Clara.”

Oh, I get it now! So this is the real origin story of Clara Oswin Oswald!

“The creature ran down the stairs while my husband and I rushed to help our daughter. She was very badly injured and spoke only once more in her short life. She said “he is the Rake”.”

And she knows this because… fuck you, that’s why.

“My husband drove his car into a lake that night, while rushing our daughter to the hospital.”

… Wait, what?! 

“They did not survive.”

OH REALLY GOSH I’M SO SURPRISED I JUST FIGURED THEY COULD BREATH UNDER FUCKING WATER. Seriously, what the hell was that? No build up, no foreshadowing, just ‘oh, by the way, they tried to fuck with Aquaman’?

“Being a small town, news got around pretty quickly. The police were helpful at first, and the local newspaper took a lot of interest as well. However, the story was never published and the local television news never followed up either.”

Well, sure, but in all fairness, it wasn’t very interesting anyway.

“For several months, my son Justin and I stayed in a hotel near my parent’s house. After we decided to return home, I began looking for answers myself.”

Wiki-Answers said that the Rake was actually a lizard who runs the government, so I guess they’re right. Since when has Wiki-Answers EVER been wrong?!

Wiki-Answers: We’re Sorry. We’re So, So Sorry.

“I eventually located a man in the next town over who had a similar story. We got in contact and began talking about our experiences. He knew of two other people in New York who had seen the creature we now referred to as the Rake.”

Wait, they’re New Yorkers? Are you sure they weren’t just talking about starring in Rent?

“It took the four of us about two solid years of hunting on the internet and writing letters to come up with a small collection of what we believe to be accounts of the Rake.”

We also found, like, six thousand petabytes of porn, but that was unrelated.

“None of them gave any details, history or follow up. One journal had an entry involving the creature in its first 3 pages, and never mentioned it again. A ship’s log explained nothing of the encounter, saying only that they were told to leave by the Rake. That was the last entry in the log.”

Y- yeah. We know. We… we already read that part. Mind moving on?

“There were, however, many instances where the creature’s visit was one of a series of visits with the same person. Multiple people also mentioned being spoken to, my daughter included.”

He’s climbin’ in yo’ windows, rakin’ your people up…

“This led us to wonder if the Rake had visited any of us before our last encounter.”

And THIS is how I met your mother.

“I set up a digital recorder near my bed and left it running all night, every night, for two weeks. I would tediously scan through the sounds of me rolling around in my bed each day when I woke up. By the end of the second week, I was quite used to the occasional sound of sleep while blurring through the recording at 8 times the normal speed. (This still took almost an hour every day)”

You are officially the dullest motherfucker around.

“On the first day of the third week, I thought I heard something different.”

I farted in my sleep! Astounding!

“What I found was a shrill voice. It was the Rake.”

I know that it was him because shut up.

“I can’t listen to it long enough to even begin to transcribe it. I haven’t let anyone listen to it yet. All I know is that I’ve heard it before, and I now believe that it spoke when it was sitting in front of my husband. I don’t remember hearing anything at the time, but for some reason, the voice on the recorder immediately brings me back to that moment.”

Yep, that’s totally what happened, and there’s definitely no sloppy writing involved here!

“The thoughts that must have gone through my daughter’s head make me very upset.”

I won’t elaborate on what KIND of thoughts, just… you know. THOUGHTS.

“I have not seen the Rake since he ruined my life, but I know that he has been in my room while I slept.”

Yeah, she knows because he keeps hogging the sheets.

“I know and fear that one night I’ll wake up to see him staring at me.””

Can they make this marriage work?

So, that was The Rake! How was it?

… Meh?

I mean, it’s not bad, I don’t want to make it seem like it’s bad. It’s pretty well written, bar a couple spelling mistakes here and there, but the main problem is the complete lack of emotion with any of the personal accounts! I mean, you’re being tortured by some crazy eldritch abomination, could you put a little effort into it? Especially that last one! This thing has MURDERED YOUR DAUGHTER AND HUSBAND, could you at least pretend to give a damn?

And the Rake is really just a weak concept for a monster. It has all of the vagueness and disappointment of Slender Man, but none of the flavor. (Not that Slendy has a lot of flavor to begin with, but we’ll get to that later.) So, what, he’s some kind of naked dog man who drives people crazy just with his massive B.O? There is, quite frankly, nothing here to latch on to! No personality, no interesting quirk, he just shows up, stabs you, and leaves. Whoopdy doo.

What did you think of the story? Feel free to let me know, and while you’re at it, let me know what you think of Internet Campfire Tales!

And On The Third Day, Omegle Will Rise

19 Aug

Lemme tell you a story all about how, Omegle got flipped turned upside down, and I’d like to take a minute on my summer vacation while Omegle tries to sell you discount penis medication…

Ahem!

What is the best TV show ever? Discuss.

Candle Cove, duh! My favorite episode is the one with the screaming!

Oh, Pirate Percy, you’re a RIOT.

what has a single eye but can’t see? no its not your butt or your dick

… Why, hello, Ten-Year-Old Version Of The Riddler. Either that, or somebody Rule 34’d the Sphinx.

decent places to fuck in a high school?

Sorry, man, but the only people fucked in a high school are the teachers.

Is it raping time yet? I want a good struggle this time!

You seem like a charmer.

I need help coming out as transgender to my friends and family.

Okay, I’m game! Now, we need some candy stripper uniforms, a organ grinder’s monkey, and I have a whole musical number written…

how do you know if a girl is a lesbian without asking?

Draw some of her blood and expose it to an open flame. See, each cell of the lesbian is a fully aware being, and will react with self preservation…

“You have got to be fucking kidding me…”

Who agrees we should have an international blowjob day every month?

And everyone without a dick for a hundred miles just got tremendously pissed off, and they have no idea why.

Role play?

I roll for initiative.

The answer to the ultimate question Of life, the universe and everything is…

Wait, wait, wait, I know this one! 12!

Wait, FUCK!

how do you tell someone who is very clingy and sorta boring that thinks they’re your best friend that you don’t like them w/o being rude?!

Hmm. Have you considered arson?

I wonder how your friend is, locked up in jail, curled up with his shower buddy. While you’re out here. Free.

… Wait, I have A FRIEND?!

… I Regret This: Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family Review, Part Two

18 Aug

… So, just to be clear, none of you are ever allowed to look me in eyes again after this review.

The alternate title is “Pornhub, The Major Motion Picture”.

Previously, on Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family: Romain isn’t getting laid, Pierre and Marie are getting laid, Grandpa Sudoku is hiring a hooker, and Mom and Dad are dull as dishwater! There we go, now just stretch that sentence over half an hour while somehow making it more awkward and yet less interesting, and you have this movie in a nutshell.

ZERO PERCENT, LEMME REMIND YOU!

Ahem!

We cut to Grandpa Sudoku hiring his hooker, and… oh, yeah, this was just the perfect fucking place to jump back in. Yep, totally what I wanted on my website: grandpa fucking! 

… And if I get any traffic because of it, I am burning Google down and collecting on the insurance money.

Anyway, with that over with, we cut to the Mom calling up Pierre to schedule dinner together! And after a quick cut to establish that yep, Romain is still whiny, and that Marie is apparently getting a tattoo on her nethers, we cut to them having dinner! But uh oh, Pierre has to leave in an hour!

“Really? How come?”

“… Um. A friend of mine hurt themselves… biking. Yes, that’s it. No, wait, his BROTHER hurt himself biking. And I need to go… bike away the pain. And it totally has nothing to do with the orgy I have scheduled tonight.”

“…”

“Hey look! This restaurant has soup!”

And while they’re doing that, we have some double strength awkward over with Romain and his Dad, who are also having dinner. And Romain has apparently burst down sobbing because his Dad lost his virginity earlier than Romain did! Oh, good god, you French prat, you need to actually grow some balls before you have anything to do with them.

Back with the Mom and Pierre, the conversation is going well!

Did I say “well”? I meant, bone crunchingly awkward.

So yeah, the Mom starts interrogating Pierre about his sex life, before he has to run off to go… repair bikes. With his wang. Well, that conversation was awkward. I certainly hope Romain and his Dad are having better luck!

“Are you cheating on my mother?”

… I am going to sit this entire cast down and teach them how to talk like a goddamn human being.

But yeah, the answer is no, if you’re actually curious. The reason that the Dad keeps buying condoms is to keep from having any more kids with his wife. Annnnnd then Romain starts sobbing again. But… you know, it keeps him from opening his fucking mouth, so it all works out.

While Marie gets some wine from a bar, we cut to Pierre and his little threeway party. Why, hello, two other people who I know absolutely fuck-all about, sure I’d love to see you bang! You know, it’s actually kind of weird. Because no matter how many sex scenes there are, they always block out all the gory details. So yeah, we can watch a girl getting banged five ways from Sunday, but as long as we don’t see actual penetration, it’s just fine! Throw it on Spongebob for all we care!

Anyway, we cut over to the Dad and Mom discussing their findings for the evening. “Romain thought I was cheating on you.”

“Maybe he’s right!”

“You’re cheating on me?”

“You bet I am. Didn’t you know? I can even pick and choose! Lots to choose from!”

“What’s he like?”

“He’s… auburn hair, brown eyes. You wanna know what we do?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, so lie on the floor naked.”

… THIS IS NOT HOW PEOPLE TALK! THIS IS NOT HOW CONVERSATIONS WORK! YOU COULD NOT MAKE THESE PEOPLE ANY MORE LIFELESS IF YOU PUT A STAKE THROUGH THEIR HEART AND BURIED THEM IN THE FUCKING CROSSROADS!

NOT THAT KIND OF CROSSROADS!

ANYWAY! In case you’re actually curious, the Mom tells the Dad that the guy does nothing, and she’s in control the whole time, and lifeless sex scene is go! Over with Romain, he’s a ticking time bomb of hormones and is going out of his damn mind. Not that that’s anything new for Romain, of course. Annnnnd cue five second cut of Marie having more sex! Gee, those five seconds were surely important to the plot.

And back to the parents, and I swear to god, you could not find a more lifeless sex scene if you just cut it out of Nekromantik! In fact, that’s probably what this movie is! There we go, I’ve decided. This movie is secretly “Nekromantik 3: Somehow, We Made It Worse”.

And back with Marie. I’d ask what this has to do with the plot, but I think it’s wildly clear at this point that there isn’t a plot. It’s just… fuckin’. That’s… that’s all this is. Awkward conversations about sex, followed by awkward sex. Do we have anything here that isn’t awkward? What’s that? Romain is making out with Coralie in the next scene? You know what, I’ll take it! Cute and awkward trumps boring and awkward every day of the week!

After they’re done smoochin’, Romain’s narration cuts in again. Seems after Coralie made it clear that everyone in school was masturbating in class, they dropped all the charges! Um. I don’t… I… I don’t think that’s how the legal system works. But more importantly, now that Coralie and Romain have kissed, it’s time for their awkward teenage sex scene!

Well, how cute! It’s the scene they show on all of the posters! And… yep, they’re… they’re making out alright. Still… still making out. Awkwardly. And slowly. And stripping their clothes off. And… okay, how long is this scene?

TEN MINUTES?!

… This is… this is… oh my god, this is Cinematic Purgatory. This is the seventh level of film hell. Screw the fire and the red-hot pokers, this is the greatest goddamn suffering. You know how porn gets people in the mood for sex? Yeah, this is like the exact opposite of that. This is anti-porn, it makes sex look really unappealing and degrading. No, no, not even that, just… lifeless. Just pain and quiet desperation and sad expressions and pasty man-ass and OH MY GOD, IS THIS SCENE STILL GOING ON?! END! IS IT IN FUCKING REAL TIME?! JUST END! YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYONE ANY FAVORS HERE!

It’s still not over, by the way. I’ve been writing this in real-time, haven’t paused it once, and they’re… just… still… fucking. Okay, it’s official, I’m hacking my damn cock off once I’m done here. Anything that can get me as far away from this garbage as possible! 

“One year later…”

Wait, is that a cut, or is that how long the scene lasted?

Apparently, a year later, Grandpa Sudoku had a heart attack while he was bangin’ his prostitute. Which really, is the way we all want to go. And thankfully, we don’t have to watch it! Not because the director has a sense of mercy, mind, they just used up all their spare run-time on the pedophilia thing.

While they all sit around in lifeless mourning, Pierre says that he’s bisexual, and then Mom talks about how everybody alive absolutely loves sex! Annnnd all the asexuals in the audience are officially pissed off.

I really hope this is the official symbol of the Ace community, or this is going to be REALLY offensive.

Apparently nowadays, Coralie is a regular member of the family, and Marie no longer constantly thinks about sex! Well. Okay, we cut to her talking about masturbation with her boyfriend, who proceeds to demonstrate for her, but… you know, baby steps.

And back with the Mom and Dad, they- okay, really, it doesn’t matter any more. There’s no story, no character arcs, absolutely nothing to pay attention to- just BORING ASS CONVERSATIONS!

Okay, we cut over to- END! WHY WON’T THIS END!

Erm. Sorry, I don’t know what happened there. Anyway, we cut to Romain and Coralie filming themselves fucking and uploading it online. Great, now you’re peddlers of child pornography. Charming. Can we move on? I think I am officially out of ways to say that I loathe this. Blah blah blah, family photo, everyone is happy, roll credits, AND WE’RE DONE!

So! That was Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family! How was it?

A ZERO PERCENT SCORE WAS TOO FUCKING GENEROUS! 

I’m Too Sexy For My Foreign Film: Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family Review, Part One

17 Aug

Oh me, oh my, what have I gotten myself in to. Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family has, get ready for this, 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Lemme repeat that. From a reviewing site that gave The Human Centipede a 49% score, Ken Park a 43% score, and Trash Humpers a 58% score, this film has gotten ZERO.

… This is going to go WELL.

OH, GODDAMMIT, IFC! Not you again! Where’s the fucking quality control?!

Um… Yeah, nothing more I can really bring to this table, so let’s get right in!

Ahem!

Today’s foreign film opens with a close up of some blond woman’s face. Until the camera pans down and shows us her masturbating!

… Lemme guess, the punchline is “The Aristocrats”?

We cut to a pale faced teenager as he narrates his life story. Depressingly, of course, because he’s a pale faced teenager. I’m pretty sure that’s the only mode that they have.

[Editor's Note: Wait, aren't YOU a pale faced teenager-]

SAY ANOTHER WORD AND I WILL CUT YOU.

So, we’re introduced to the titular French family! Ol’ pale face is named Romain, the adopted sister with a boob job is Marie, the “cool brother” is Pierre- oh, of course he’s named Pierre. They’re in France after all, being Pierre is required by law. And I heard if you don’t, they abandon you in the Cheese, Wine, And Jerry Lewis Gulag.

Romain thinks about sex for a while at dinner, because he’s a teenage boy, and we cut to him filming himself masturbating… in the middle of class. Um, first of all, ew. Second of all, fucking ew. And third of all, WHY DID YOU THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?! THERE WAS NO POSITIVE OUTCOME THERE! WHAT, WERE YOU GOING TO STICK YOUR DICK IN A THREE-RING BINDER TO CLIMAX?!

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

Anyway! The Mom gets called in, and the principal breaks the news to her that her son is secretly a cast member of Ken Park, and he gets suspended. Which is really surprisingly light, actually. Pretty sure if you tried that in a Canadian school, they’d take you out back and take your genitals off with a belt sander. Very politely, of course. Probably while drinking Tim Horton’s.

IT’S NOT STEREOTYPING IF IT’S TRUE.

The Mom picks up Romain from the infirmary, and gets him to explain himself. Apparently, it was a dare, and all the kids are doin’ it, he’s just the only one to get caught! Um. Okay. I guess we can add “French people are sexual deviants” to the “Foreign Stereotype Super Powers” list.

Because of all this, the Mom and Dad realize that they haven’t spoken with their children about their sex lives, and discuss how they’ve failed as parents. And meanwhile, Romain is… texting with somebody who is reviewing his video?!

Okay, just putting this out there now, that is the one thing I will never review.

After a cut to Marie making out in a parking lot, and then a cut to some old man doing Sudoku (… alrighty then), we cut to Pierre masturbating to porn. And then back to Marie, now fucking in a car. I’d complain, but really, I don’t know what I was expecting from something called “Sexual Chronicles Of A French Family”.

The next morning, life is all awkward for Romain around his parents, which, come on, are you really surprised here? You stuck your dick out in the middle of biology class! 

… Everyone knows you save that for math class!

The Mom asks about where Marie was last night, then asks what happened to Pierre’s ex, then asks if Romain has a girlfriend, and basically just makes everything incredibly awkward and difficult to make a joke about. And then she asks their live-in grandpa, Sudoku Man, about- wait, I think I have a clip for this.

There we go!

The answer is, he hires a prostitute! And then they have a long… drawn out… lifeless… boring… conversation… about it. Holy tapdancing cocks, this is the first movie I’ve ever seen that can make prostitutes boring. (Other than Citizen Cocks, of course.)

Romain is talking with Coralie, his friend and reviewer of dick pics, and then he gets invited to lunch with Sudoku Guy! And meanwhile, while you’re busy wondering why this scene is so goddamn lifeless, we cut to Marie fucking in the woods! Well. It’s always nice to intercut boring dialogue with boring sex! Seriously, can anyone in this movie even pretend like they care?

While Romain and Sudoku plays cards, Romain wonders whether or not his Dad is cheating on his Mom. And then more Marie sex scene, which is truly wondrous. Not the sex, of course, I mean the blanket they’re fucking on. It looks really soft!

After some more Romain whining about not getting laid, we cut to… I don’t even know. Um. Two guys, one of whom is Pierre, masturbating over some woman in nylons before she gives them oral sex? And after cutting around to see Romain sleeping, while Coralie texts him and tells him she misses him, we cut back to their weird threesome thing!

Wait, wait, I think I just figured out the movie’s theme song.

And yet, those bunnies are still sexier than these damn sex scenes.

If You Go Down To The Woods Today: The Rake Review, Part Two

16 Aug

Ah, yes, welcome back to the Found Footage Film Drinking Game, where livers go to die!

Oh, and the Rake review too, I guess. You know, if you’re in to that.

Did I forget to mention you could watch this yourself on YouTube? Well… you can. So there.

Previously, on The Rake: Three entirely stupid teenagers decided to go traipsing off in to the forest to live there for a month, and naturally, one of them vanishes about five minutes in. Color me surprised.

Ahem!

The two schmucks are taking a break from their search, and of course, mention that there’s no cell reception out here. Take a shot! They manage to find an empty journal in their friend’s knapsack, which includes a spooky description of the Rake, and spelling out his dark and troubled past with the monster. Damn, if you listen closely, you can hear it trying desperately to become Marble Hornets. Two more shots!

The two head off in to the woods again, blathering about how they need to find their friend, and wonder if Andrew, the friend that they snubbed and refused to let him come, is behind this. Which they very quickly decide he isn’t, ten seconds later. Well. That was an important scene. What, is this Andrew guy blackmailing you to show up in the movie? I’m pretty sure he’s been mentioned more than the fucking Rake!

Pictured: An optometrist’s wet dream.

Next scene, we’re forced to sit here and watch these two dumbasses set up a tent!

Riveting.

(Edit: Okay, having watched it more closely, I’ve figured out while this scene is here. You can actually see the Rake in the background, just… kind of hanging there! Which means, yes, TAKE A SHOT!)

After, oh, a straight goddamn minute of that passes, they stop for food, and decide to… eat peanut butter. And discuss what happened to their friend. Again. Goddammit, this movie is a damn Mobius Strip! They walk. They talk. They make a tent. They walk. They talk. They make a tent. Oh, and bring up that Andrew guy again, because that’s such bold new ground!

That night, they wake up in the middle of the night to find something pushing on the tent from the outside, so they switch the camera to night vision and start looking for their friend again! Yes, because it was totally your friend who decided to say absolutely nothing, walk up to your tent, poke it, and run off.

While they search, the camera guy takes a stumble and his camera starts glitching out. Take a shot, and while you’re at it, take a shot for the night vision! Camera guy manages to run across the Rake, who screams at him and runs off. I… wait, what?! He just leaves? What kind of stupid ass monster goes RUNNING from the dumbass teenager who is sprawled and stunned in a pitch black forest?! WHY?!

“Um. Look, I’m sorry, but I’m just not feeling it today. Maybe if you and your victim friends started makin’ out or something, maybe I could get it up…”

“It happens to every man! Well, it happens to you. A lot.”

After staying up all night, watching for the Rake, the duo head out hiking the next morning, trying to find the abandoned mine shaft in the woods. Because, you know, they have to have their dramatic final encounter somewhere. But while they walk, they hear the scream of the Rake echo through the woods again. Either that, or a chainsaw just gave birth to a squalling baby woodchipper.

They try sneaking through the woods after that, which really only accomplishes making this stupid hiking scene take even longer. And if you’ve gotten the rhythm of the movie down yet, then you know what’s coming! Yes, now they’re setting up camp again! Thankfully, we don’t have to watch them actually set up the tent, lest I have to kill again.

We cut to them waking up in the middle of the night, when they hear the Rake screaming his pansy head off again. And of course, one of them decides that the best possible solution is to… step outside the tent to see if anything is there!

“Well, sure, I’ll step outside into the pitch black forest to check for the monster that we already know is out there- oh god the monster grabbed me how could I possibly have seen this coming.”

That just leaves the camera guy, who, rather amusingly, decides that the best solution to the encroaching monster is to build a pillow fort to protect himself! You know what, yeah, I’ll pretty sure that’s what most of us would do. But he needs to check to see if his friend is alive, so he runs out of the tent… and then hides, two feet away.

You know, I’d make fun of that, but it actually works. He spends the entire night like that, huddled in a bush, and the stupid Rake still can’t find him! Wow, you are the WORST monster. The camera guy stays awake all night, and once the morning comes, he heads up the hill in to a big field to try and find the mine. Oh, and the Rake is still screaming his head off every five fucking seconds. You know, murdering people isn’t a fucking game of Marco Polo!

The screen flashes to “the video cuts out for 33 minutes”, which is weird, because when it cuts back in, it’s completely dark out! Um. Why is it night again? Wasn’t it dawn five minutes ago? Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because literally two seconds later, the Rake jumps him! Annnnnd the end!

… Take one shot for the abrupt ending, one shot for the dead protagonist, one shot for the wildly fluctuating time frame, and take five for a monster with absolutely in background or explanation whatsoever! Which, I believe if you tally it all up, equals to 26 shots! Or, in other words, completely fucking sloshed!

So, that was The Rake! How was it?

*awkward cough*

It’s… well, okay, it’s not GOOD, that part is obviously. It’s unbelievably cliched, as I hope I’ve made clear, but to be fair, I’m fairly certain there was… no budget here. Like, none at all. This just screams student film. And hey, the acting is pretty good, and the effects on the Rake, especially that cool scream, is pretty cool!

So, I think that’s my conclusion: It’s not good, but for what it is, it’s not that bad! Check it out, if you too are a student film maker and are looking for some tips!

… Or, you know, if you need your stomach pumped.

Rake Up And Smell The Roses: The Rake Review, Part One

15 Aug

[... I would like to apologize in advance for that title pun. Rest assured, I've already been whipped.]

… I am really having trouble taking something called “The Rake” seriously. I mean, how am I supposed to react to that? Eee, that’s the scariest gardening implement!

“Oh, hey. Sleeping well?”

Okay, according to my google searches, the Rake is a supernatural bastard, born off a Creepypasta and wrapped up in to the Slender-Man mythos, and far more importantly for our purposes, the subject of a found footage film I ran across on YouTube! Because… you know, things I find on YouTube always end well.

Ahem!

The films opens with… oh god, your standard “this is all totally real, fo’ shizzle” disclaimer. Which, according to the Found Footage Drinking Game that I just made up, means you have to take a shot! And then we truly open with our collection of bland teenagers who make up the protagonists, driving along in a car as they film! Annnnnnd take two more shots.

The trio introduce themselves, then they take the time to explain the plot. That’s nice of them. See, the three are heading out in to the woods to live out there for a month with absolutely no contact with the outside world. Awkward exposition to the camera? Big scary woods? A suicidally stupid plan? Three more shots.

(Oh god, we’re not even three minutes in and we already have six shots. This is going to be a problem.)

They exchange small talk with each other while they drive, and hey, credit where credit is due, the three young men are actually pretty good actors! I totally believe that they’re three teenagers talking about boring shit that nobody cares about!

Anyway, they make it to the store, and start shopping for supplies. Oh god, three morons trying to live in the forest for a month, for absolutely no contact with anybody else, and no prior survival experience? We don’t even need the Rake, these idiots are going to be swimming around a bear’s digestive tract before the week is out.

But then again, I always hope for a happy ending.

As it turns out, survival stores hate it when you try and film them, so the trio are tossed out on their asses before they can buy anything, and they decide to just grab supplies from the dollar store. Because, eh, you know, cheap Pez dispensers, survival supplies, same difference.

And next thing you know, they’re in the woods! Annnnnd yep, they’re still yammering like utter morons about crap nobody cares about. God, I get enough of this crap from high school, I don’t need it in fucking stereo! Take a shot for people discussing mundane crap nobody cares about. Only one shot, of course, because if I made you take a shot every time it happened, you’ll be getting your stomach pumped before the second act.

So, they hike in to the woods, and take a shot for over-exaggerated shaky cam! And while they hike, the guy totting the camera around tells a spooky story about when his grandfather was in the woods and ran across the Rake. Hmm. Spooky story about the plot, and it featured something that happened to a grandparent? A little bit of Marble Hornets, a little bit of Tribe Twelve… yeah, take a shot.

(By the way, you can’t blame me for any problems this causes with your liver.)

The three of them find a spot to set up their tent, and proceed to do so once night falls. At least, I think that’s what’s going on. Shaky cam and complete darkness go together like Tabasco and contact lenses. Oh, and then we get an almost minute long break of… a black screen, while they sleep! Gee. How exciting. And once they wake up, one of their party is nowhere to be seen, and his clothes are scattered across the campsite.

… Dangerously erotic?

The guy with the camera seems incredibly worried about their missing member, to an almost… alarming degree. Aww, I’m sure those crazy kids are going to make it. So, they pack up the tent and wait for what’s-his-face to get back. And to be fair, camera-guy is doing a great job at acting completely terrified. He… legitimately sounds scared and worried. Either he’s a good actor, or they actually kidnapped that kid!

So, the search for what’s-his-face begins! And we’re walking, and walking, and walking, until they suddenly hear an ear piercing shriek echo through the forest. Which they… for some reason think is their friend. Um. Unless your friend has a scream like a buzz-saw stubbing his toe, I don’t think you’re having any luck here.

They run off the path, trying to find where the scream came from, and after a cut, camera-guy explains that they’ve been walking up this hill, trying to find him, for eight miles. Okay, you know what, if I had a friend who made me run an uphill fucking marathon to try and find him, I’m pretty sure I’d just run off and find a new, better friend.

Oh, and take a shot for “mysterious sound in the distance”, and now that I’m thinking about it, take a shot for “white guy protagonists”, “bromance”, “screaming somebody’s name as you try to find them”, and “nature hike”. Thirteen shots in! That’s… that’s lucky, right?

Your cricket-filled silence is not appreciated.

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